Last week we learned that the best way to reunite with your estranged teenage daughter was to try and mow her ass down in your car. No wonder those Teen Mom girls turned out so good. Meathead’s dead. Last season, Professor “Bad Touch” Branson freaked out Bitchy Brooke but not before giving her plenty of A+ face in the classroom. Bleh-mma solved her problems by visiting a flashback dock and getting a deep dicking. Suck it, psychiatry! Shut Up! Noah was hot on the trail of Peeping Piper’s accomplice, but little did he know that it was his best friend, the Sapphic Sensation Audrey, who I think we all agreed needs to come clean already. However, Audrey’s attempts to clean up her mess lead her to the mess of guts that was Meathead.
Audrey is freaking out, as any normal person would when confronted by gore. However, she didn’t wear her ninja hoodie for nothing tonight, and inspects Meathead’s rotting corpse. New Coke 2: Electric Boo!galoo has impeccable timing and calls Audrey. She didn’t want Meathead dead. New Coke 2 says she won’t go to the police because of the deep dark secret that she was…PEN PALS with Peeping Piper. GASP. Lock her up, your honor. Audrey wrote letters. I’m sorry but it’s ridiculous that Audrey won’t just fess up at this point – she didn’t actually do anything so this just puts her and her friends in more danger. Audrey pulls the note that New Coke 2 left for her off of Meathead, and hauls ass out of the storage place.
This is the best acting that Meathead has ever done on this show. He could really make a career out of Corpse #1.
Bleh-mma is giving Cool Coroner Mom the deets on her run-in with That Thing You Dad! I notice she doesn’t mention that he CHASED her in his car. Cool Coroner Mom just looks constipated and warns Bleh-mma to be careful because her dad has had his “problems.” His inability to hit the brake pedal? Anyway, Bleh-mma is going to breakfast with That Thing You Dad! because bacon solves everything, even abandonment issues.
Audrey is lying in bed staring at the bloody note bits from Meathead’s body. All that’s missing from this scene are some candles, and Bauhaus. Bleh-mma calls to talk about the return of That Thing You Dad! Apparently, Audrey is the only one of Bleh-mma’s friends who actually knew her dad before he peaced out. Audrey is pretty jumpy and quick to cast suspicion on his sudden reappearance in town. Bleh-mma doesn’t like being challenged, and wanted her friend to back-up her technicolor bullshit version of That Thing You Dad! Audrey admits that there was something off about him even back when they were kids, and says he was super damaged. Hey show, when are you going to actually fill us in on WHY Audrey and Bleh-mma stopped being friends? Like, they were super antagonistic at the beginning of last season, and I get that murder brings people together and all, but a little backstory wouldn’t kill you. Or maybe it would. The monkeys with typewriters that work on this show aren’t good at multitasking or remembering plot points. Bleh-mma is pissed, and Audrey is incredulous that her well meaning advice just got shut down. Shut Up! Noah bursts into Audrey’s bedroom all ready to go check out the storage locker of dead Meathead. Wow, I would be pissed if one of my friends burst into my room like that. Lay off the Fruity Pebbles, Noah, that sugar is making you hyper (annoying).
That Thing You Dad! and Bleh-mma are at the only coffee house in town. He makes a joke about how hip it is. Don’t be coy, That Thing You Dad! tell Bleh-mma all about your band back in Erie. We know That Thing You Dad is damaged because he has restless finger syndrome. Run, Bleh-mma, he gots the damage! Dad also blows Cool Coroner Mom’s spot by revealing she told him not to come back, so that’s another thing for Bleh-mma to be irrationally angry at her mother about. HOW DARE EVERYONE TRY AND PROTECT ME. Caring about people’s well-being is so gross. Bleh-mma has just one question: She gets why TTYD! bailed on Cool Coroner Mom (jelly spine and serial killing love child) but how could he leave behind the perfect little hothouse flower that is Bleh-mma? He can’t explain. I got this, That Thing You Dad! Bleh-mma, your dad left because you are a solipsistic little asshole. Feel better? Nope. Bleh-mma bails. Boo hoo. Not. Bleh-mma calls Cool Coroner Mom to bitch her out. She’s so tired about the secrets. I’d like to point out that last week’s secret about going to the pig gut barn was not a secret. There are lots of places that my parents took me when I was a kid that I don’t remember. I don’t yell at my dad during the holidays about his “lies” because I don’t remember something from when I was five. Shut up, Bleh-mma. Twit.