Last week, Bethenny broke all of the noise ordinances in the Berkshires. Jules placed 2 billionth in the coffee making Olympics. Ramona and Luann dressed in their finest furs and tablecloths and Ramona ran fast, like Kenyan fast, out of Ramona’s holiday party. The only one to run faster was Bethenny who didn’t want to face her tipsy, fat future.
Sonja and Luann are discussing how Sonja can humiliate herself in order to get into Bethenny’s good graces. Sonja says she’s wanted to do a Prosecco forever. She’s also wanted to do a toaster oven, movie and jewelry line but only the drink made it to fruition. Sonja insists that she is not competing with Bethenny because she wants fat, tipsy bitches to buy her stuff. Ehmagawd, it’s like she’s talking right to me!
Sonja is still upset that Dorinda excluded her but Luann defends the decision because if she angers anyone and this gig disappears so will her new boo, Tom. Yes, Tom and Lu are soulmates on the soul plane of love. Sonja is confounded by this information because she just had sex with Tom a few weeks ago. Luann is aware that they hooked up before but brushes it off as a one time thing. Luann says they’ve been together about six weeks and Sonja had no idea about any of this. I was semi-joking but yeah, Luann totally excluded Sonja from the dinner because she banged Tom. Are there only twelve rich men in NY? That’s the only way to explain the cross-pollination level on this show. Luann is so excited that she says she’s “pinching” herself…as she pokes herself. Leaving a room after a good poke? Old habits die hard.
Bethenny, Jules, Carole, Dorinda and Ramona meet for responsible drinking and irresponsible handling of Sonja’s feelings. Jules arrives in tears and is stressed about her dad. Plus, Michael was pissed that their kid needed milk and he yelled at Jules. It’s not his fault! He hasn’t given the kids anything not packaged in plastic and coated in sugar in over five years. Bethenny invites all of the women to Mexico for a tequila tasting. Ramona makes a slight pitch for Luann to be invited so she can shadow her in the dark arts of getting porked by super rich guys. Carole makes the anti-pitch and refuses to attend if Luann is invited.
“I refuse to be entertaining!”
Ramona thinks she should “get over the past because the past is so past”. If you ever doubted she lived through the 70’s, doubt no more.
Bethenny doesn’t want to take Sonja on the trip and the other women back it up by claiming that it wouldn’t be healthy for her. This is such crap. We’ve seen all of these women at their drunken and high worst. Sonja probably committed the cardinal UES sin of banging non-wealthy, non-White guys and they’re calling it a drinking problem.
“Leave Sonja alone!”
Yes, that was a 2007 reference. It was a simpler time when we only knew of the Orange County housewives and Bethenny was just a glimmer in our skinny liver. Speaking of, Bethenny and Carole meet in their contractually mandated, per episode scene. Bethenny’s new guy is smart, passionate and wants to get married. I bet it’s Tom. Adam and Carole hung out with them in the Bahamas and she’s starting to think she could have a longer term relationship with Adam than she initially thought. She’s always gotten out of relationships quickly and easily and even married her husband right after he was diagnosed with cancer. All of this changed when she fostered a kitten and had a breakdown when she had to turn him over to the adoptive family. She now realizes that she can only love when it’s temporary and the kitten revealed that to her. This boys and girls, is how spinsters are born. Please, save your feminist hate mail and donate to someone less fortunate. I’m well on my way to threatening College Hunks Hauling Junk when they try to remove my 37 dogs on Hoarders 2053 A.D.
“I once had a proud dog.”
Sonja and Dorinda meet for manicures and discuss why she’s on the outs with the whole group. Dorinda says Ramona has picked Team Frankel-stein which apparently consists of chain-smoking, weave wearing, champagne spilling monsters who don’t want their reps tainted by a simple woman with a toaster oven. Dorinda tells her that there’s a trip to Mexico coming up and neither she nor Luann are officially invited. Then she tells Sonja to take Tipsy Girl off the table and apologize but Sonja is in a contract. This woman just finished a decade long bankruptcy case. The last thing she needs is to get sued by her business partners. Dorinda finishes up by telling her she adores her, they have a lot in common and by the way, she was right about the Berkshires. Dorinda is giving me a serious Trump vibe with this speech.
“It would have been dreadful. And I know dreadful. I did the right thing and I made it nice. The nicest you’ve ever seen. Well, you didn’t see it cuz you werent’t invited cuz you’re a slob. You’re like a tipsy Rosie O’Donnell.”
Carole and Adam are at home baking a cake. Well, he’s trying to make her bake but she’s reading the book proposal. Adam is always avoiding reading and discussing books. Countdown to the inevitable, very special illiteracy episode.
“God made Adam and Eve. Not Adam and read.”
Luann meets with Ramona who’s getting extensions. If anyone needs a new hairstyle it’s Luann but, spoiler alert, there’s no noticeable difference this episode. Luann texted Carole and Bethenny “Happy New Year” but never got a response. Naturally she interprets this as getting through to them and being on good terms. Luann, who’s riding the perpetual mechanical bull of giddiness, says that a fortuneteller predicted she’d meet the love of her life within two weeks and now she has Tom. Creep points for pointing out to Avery that Ramona “knows” him. Ramona is hesitant to speak and poor Avery is sitting their all Leia’d up and nowhere to run.
Fifteen bucks says her professor approved RHONY filming as a psychology externship.
Ramona says she’s going to be a girl’s girl and reveals that he calls his ex every day and gave her a gold bracelet for Christmas.
“He told me that on our 6th and a half date.”
Luann doesn’t believe it and can’t believe Ramona would burst her bubble. Avery agrees and Luann thinks this justifies her position. When you’re using a 21 year old to validate your security in your relationship, you’re not ready to get married. Of course Avery is embarrassed! Ramona just pulled a Ramona but it doesn’t make Ramona wrong. Had she not told Luann and it came out later, she would have been reamed for keeping a secret. Kinda like when the countess attacked her for assaulting Jill’s senses with the sight of Bethenny to force a makeup sesh….but I digress.