I have a confession to make. I had no idea The Real Housewives of Dallas Reunion was airing on Sunday night. Did you all know about this? I’m no Bravo prophet or anything, but this does not look good for a second season. Not only was the reunion aired Sunday night instead of the show’s usual timeslot on Monday, but it was only 1 part. Not since the reunion for the first season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta (2008) have we seen a single part reunion. Even the train wreck that was The Real Housewives of D.C. managed to squeeze out a 2 part reunion. I’m assuming LeeAnne Locken will threaten Andy Cohen’s life, and perhaps there will be a season 2. All that said, it was nice to watch a reunion that seemed to get right own to business and spared us hours of filler content that no one cared about. In my eyes, this was basically a long segment of Cary crying/pretending to cry (still unclear), but there were so many good reaction shots from all of the ladies (except Brandi who was rarely seen) that I throughly enjoyed this reunion episode.
Let’s talk about it!
The reunion starts off with shots of some of the ladies getting ready. I’m not sure why Bravo thinks we need/want to see this, but I guess they’re just trying to fill time wherever they can. We rejoin the ladies on their respective couches, and Andy Cohen was wearing glasses.
I don’t know if he thinks this is, like a hip look he’s rocking, but I really wasn’t a fan. So, on one side we have Tiffany, LeeAnne, and LeeAnne’s noticeably less pink cheeks.
On the other couch, we have Stephanie, Cary, and Brandi.
Andy starts off the show by asking a question that is asked at, I’m willing to bet, every first season reunion. So and so says that you ladies don’t represent the city this show is set in. I am so tired of people asking this question. LeeAnne actually made me chuckle when she said that the people who represent the city of Dallas are elected politicians. These ladies are just here to entertain us.
We then move on to Stephanie and her many, many lists of chores. Before I go on, I just want to point out that LeeAnne and Tiffany (Couch 1) are without children, while Brandi, Cary and Stephanie (Couch 2) all have kids. This information will become relevant soon, I promise.
Anyways, some woman writes in about how could Stephanie allow Travis to treat her like that by giving her lists of chores to do etc. etc. My internal monologue was, “have you seen the house they live in? I’d pick up a little dog poop and change a lightbulb for that life.” Andy must have been on the same page as me, because he quickly transitioned to the very expensive bracelet Stephanie got for their anniversary.
The lovely and shady editors shot right to LeeAnne who looked like she was about to explode with jealousy.
Stephanie tells us that she and Travis own the “largest wood manufacturing locker company” in the world. I guess they build all the lockers in all the Soul Cycles and Equinoxes around the country, as well as many professional sports teams’ locker rooms.
Then, because Andy loves some shock value, he asks Stephanie is Travis gives her chores to do in the bedroom.
LeeAnne and Tiffany act so shocked as if Andy asked Stephanie to demonstrate some of her favorite sex positions in the middle of the stage.
We also find out that Brandi used to work for Travis when she was fresh out of college, but he was an ass hole, so she quit. SHOCKING.
Then Andy asks Stephanie and Brandi about all of their poop jokes. Stephanie says that when you have kids, especially young boys, all they talk about is poop. Now the editors do this thing, and they do it for most of the episode, where whenever any of the ladies with kids talk about having kids or a family, the camera cuts to LeeAnne or Tiffany throwing a major stink face.
Then, we find out that Brandi’s kids were expelled. Officially, the school chose to, “no longer do a partnership with their education.” Brandi’s kids went to a Christian school, and they didn’t think that Brandi dancing with male strippers and referring to wine as Jesus Juice reflected well on the school. I’ve often heard about snooty private schools pulling stuff like this. I’m pretty sure Avery Singer from RHONY had to change schools, and I know that the kids of NYC Prep (throwback) received major backlash from their schools for participating in the show.
Then Andy asks Tiffany about her past acting in elicit (?) films. Basically Tiffany did some movies for Cinemax, but there was just lots of boobs. It’s not like Camille Grammer (love you by the way) who had pictures of her vagina that were easily accessible on the internet. I’m not going to link to them, but you guys know how to use Google.
Then Andy asks LeeAnne if it’s harder being a carnie or a Real Housewife. In answering this question, LeeAnne reveals to us that she only spent her summers as a carnie kid. The rest of the time she was living a seemingly normal life being raised by her grandparents.
Then Andy asks the question I’ve had since episode 1. Why won’t Rich marry you, LeeAnne?
A viewer believes that Rich won’t marry LeeAnne, because he never knows when she will go carnie on him, but LeeAnne assures Andy that Rich is a carnie whisperer. (gross)
At this point, we get a shot of Cary shooting dagger eyes at LeeAnne, and I can tell Cary is just waiting for her turn to lay into LeeAnne.
Before Cary gets a chance to drag LeeAnne through the mud, Andy asks LeeAnne about her charity work. Does anyone still care about this? Couch 2 throws some jabs at LeeAnne about devoting her life to charity because she doesn’t have a family of her own (ouch).
Then we get into the most ridiculous argument – I don’t even know how long I can discuss this, but let’s see what happens. Someone wrote in saying they loved when Cary threw LeeAnne off her high horse for saying that she wasn’t a socialite, because she wasn’t born into one of the great families of Dallas. Is it 2007? Is being a “socialite” still something people lust after? Do a quick Google search of Tinsley Mortimer, and let me know how that whole socialite thing worked out for her.
Cary says that she thinks LeeAnne is so active in the charity world as a way to social climb her way through Dallas Society, but LeeAnne claims she doesn’t need to climb her way to the top, because she’s already friends with the who’s who of Dallas. I am literally exhausted writing this.
Cary makes a seemingly innocent comment about LeeAnne’s charity work being her “job,” and LeeAnne quickly fires back that she “don’t cut on titties,” she raises money for people who need help.
Then there is some weird discussion about old Dallas families. While LeeAnne isn’t a member of one, she claims to be very close to D’Andra Simmons who is apparently a member of one of the great families of Dallas.
I found a pic of them online.
LeeAnne says she was her maid of honor at her wedding (according to Google, she’s now divorced), and Cary claims to have also been at the wedding, but LeeAnne claims Cary was only at the reception and not the ceremony.
Honestly, I’ve heard 4 year olds argue over more important things.
Same.
After they fight about that bullshit some more, Andy asks LeeAnne about the fiancee who tried to kill her. LeeAnne says that she was going to leave him, but he had an, “if I cant have you, nobody can,” attitude. As he got home and tried to close the garage door to lock her in, LeeAnne rolled under the garage door (is this a James Bond movie?), and started running down the street screaming for help.
I guess he eventually caught up with her, because as he was bashing her head into the pavement, a neighbor came out and saved LeeAnne, but because he was so well connected in Austin, he didn’t even spend a night in jail. Honestly shocked LeeAnne doesn’t bring this story up more often to justify her behavior.
We come back from a commercial break, and we’re joined by the 6th housewife, Cary’s husband Mark.
Cary recently celebrated her 40th birthday, and as a gift Mark got her her first Birkin bag.
Okay. The next 20 or so minutes are all a bit of a blur, but I’m going to try my best to muddle through them. Literally almost all of my notes are about these next few segments, so buckle up.
We get a viewer question for Cary asking about the comments she made about Mark being a “fixer upper.”
It takes about 9 seconds before Cary starts to cry, and she will continue to spontaneously cry throughout the remainder of the episode. Cary felt bad, because she was trying to be funny, but she never meant to insult her husband and his former aesthetic. Mark is quick to defend Cary, and says that he was in an unhappy marriage, and as a result he began drinking a lot, and he really let himself go. Honestly, the amount of sugar and calories in alcohol is criminal.
LeeAnne wasn’t so sympathetic.
Cary starts to lose it, and she is crying like I have never seen anyone cry at a reunion.
She had the tissues, she was sniffling, I mean it was all happening in terms of emotions for Cary.
Then we get to the rumors LeeAnne was spreading about Cary being a home wrecker. I must tell you, I was fascinated by all of this. Cary was on WWHL “recently,” and LeeAnne tweeted out “At least I didn’t take my man from a well respected woman.”
(Even if Cary did steal him, she still got him to marry her which is more than you can say sweetheart.)
Andy asks LeeAnne if that’s proof that she was talking shit about Cary and calling her a home wrecker, but LeeAnne claims that is just proof that you shouldn’t drink and tweet. Thanks Brandi Glanville.
Okay. So, now we get into the main rumor that LeeAnne had been spreading all around town. Apparently Cary and Mark had an affair while Mark was still married. Mark refused to leave his wife, so Cary married someone else. After seeing Cary marry someone else, Mark left his wife, and he and Cary got married.
If these two don’t sign a contract with Lifetime Movie Networks in the next 6 months, they’re idiots.
Basically, that reveal didn’t go over too well.
We find out that the man Cary married left her after 3 months, she claims because he was engaged 5 other times and was just “one of those people.”
Not exactly sure what that means.
Then we somehow circle back to this socialite conversation.
Anyways, we discuss the lunch where Heidi Dillon brought up the blowjobbing that Cary apparently did under Mark’s desk to land him.
Mark claims that the day after the episode where Heidi Dillon claims Cary was blowjobbing Mark under his desk, she was quoted in the newspaper (believe me I tried to find it) as saying that she does not know Mark’s ex wife, and she has never met her. LeeAnne planted that information for Heidi to drop.
Let’s take a moment to see Brandi, because thus far she’s brought nothing to this reunion.
Now I’m gonna serve you with a short transcript:
LeeAnne: ” I don’t wanna hurt anybody. That’s not really what I do.”
AC: “What do you do?”
LeeAnne: “Charity.”
AC: “Is spreading trash about her marriage charity?”
LeeAnne has gone full looney toon at this point, because she is claiming that she didn’t spread this gossip, because spreading gossip is going up to every person you meet…
Before she could finish Stephanie screams across the room, “YOU TOLD AMERICA.”
Then LeeAnne circles back around to this fucking socialite/social climbing conversation. Ughhhhhhh.
Then, because it’s a Housewives reunion, Cary walks off stage.
Then we move on to Heidi Dillon asking Cary to deepthroat a corndog at her gothic state fair party. Come to find out that Heidi’s son and Cary’s stepson attend the same school, and Cary feels Heidi asking her to do that was a setup to try and embarrass her family.
In order to try and make peace, and not look like a complete monster to the viewing public, LeeAnne gives Cary a hug…
…but not before scolding Stephanie and telling her not to try and turn LeeAnne offering Cary a hug into something negative.
Anyways, thank goodness that’s all over (for now).
Next, Tiffany looks like Lindsay Price (really?), and her husband looks like Keith Urban (duh).
Then Andy circles back to LeeAnne’s comment, I believe in episode 1, about things getting a little “Plano,” which I took as a synonym for ghetto, but apparently Brandi lives in Plano? Still a bit to unpack there.
Then we move on to Brandi. Brandi says that her husband Bryan wasn’t against her being on the show, but that time he left her sitting along at the mall restaurant, she wishes she would have told him she was going to be confronting him about being a human piece of trash. I’m smelling a bit of a Shannon Beador situation with their marriage. Anyone else? Bryan, like David, seems constantly annoyed with Brandi. I’ve always thought he had a secret family stashed somewhere.
Then the lady of the evening, Marie, joins the couch, but Tiffany wants nothing to do with her.
Then we move on to a segment of The People vs LeeAnne Locken, and we get a montage of every fight LeeAnne has had over the course of the season.
Let’s refresh:
LeeAnne v Brandi
LeeAnne v Stephanie
LeeAnne v Tiffany
LeeAnne v Marie
LeeAnne v Cary
LeeAnne v Cameraman
LeeAnne v Trolly
Then we get to the text messages Marie was sending to Tiffany about LeeAnne, and Marie tries to play down all the negative things she was saying about LeeAnne, and tries to play it off like she was just being a concerned friend. Tiffany was not having it. Marie claims she was concerned about LeeAnne who wasn’t eating or bathing (ew).
Then Andy asks the group who thought it was right of Tiffany to show LeeAnne the text messages.
Yup, just LeeAnne.
Then we’re discussing the Austin trip.
During the flashback, we see the moment when Marie’s friend Taylor told Brandi and Stephanie about LeeAnne pooping herself, and the look of pure glee on Brandi’s face makes me chuckle every time.
To make an EXTREMELY long story short, LeeAnne doesn’t care so much that Marie told Taylor the story. LeeAnne cares that Marie lied about telling the story and has continued to lie about it.
If you were wondering though, LeeAnne didn’t poop in a bag, she pooped in a basket that was holding her birthday gifts. Thankfully she removed the gifts first.
Then LeeAnne and Tiffany kind of shadily imply that they continue to hold a lot of secrets for Marie, and Tiffany claims that she has kept her mouth shut to protect Marie and her daughter.
I’d LOVE to know more about that.
Then we revisit the infamous night in Austin when LeeAnne threatened to kill Marie. LeeAnne’s explanation, honestly to me, made sense. I’m gonna kill you aka you’re dead to me. Threatening to gut her carnie style may have been a bit of a reach though.
Then we find out that LeeAnne continued to threaten Marie over text, but only after Marie hired a company to “destroy” LeeAnne and Tiffany on Twitter (LOL), and wrote a bedtime story about the night LeeAnne pooped in a basket.
Then we get some closing words from each of the ladies.
Stephanie has found her voice in her marriage, and has grown more in the past year than she has her whole life.
Tiffany is still a work in progress.
Cary knows she and Mark are weird, but she thinks the show has been an interesting self study.
LeeAnne is in anger management, and Rich still hasn’t proposed.
Brandi looks at the show as a great healing process, and she’s happier than ever.
What did y’all think of this reunion? Do you think The Real Housewives of Dallas will see a second season?
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