Previously on Game of Thrones..
- Sansa and Jon don’t have enough men.
- Shireen was burned up by her daddy (Happy Father’s Day!)
- Theon and Yara made a run for it from their evil uncle Euron.
- Tyrion makes a stupid deal to give the Slaver’s Bay cities seven years to stop trading in human flesh, and they attack.
- Daenerys is back and she don’t look happy.
Meereen
Last week, we discovered that Tyrion’s incredibly stupid deal with the slavers predictably failed. He promised them seven years of free slavery in exchange for.. well, not very much. In exchange for the slavers stopping their bankrolling of the Sons of the Harpy. We all wondered why Tyrion, supposedly a political genius, would make such a dumb move, and hoped he had some kind of secret backup plan. Well, he didn’t, and now flaming balls of pitch are being hurled from the slavers’ ships at Meereen. Undentified everymen are getting torched.
Daenerys is finally back from her second (and superfluous) Dothraki adventure, and she is not pleased with Tyrion’s deal. She has her own plan: kill literally every slaver plus women and babies plus destroy their whole cities, slaves included. Ooh, very Mad King! Tyrion agrees, filling Dany in on a little bit of Westerosi history: the Mad King was going to destroy King’s Landing with wildfire, and Dany’s ready to do the same to the whole damn bay.
In the end, Dany sucks it up, takes Tyrion’s advice and chooses another way: bring out the dragons. You see, Tyrion calls a meeting with the heads of the slavers so they can discuss surrender. Not Dany’s, as they so arrogantly assume; the surrender of the slavers. Mid-discussion, Dany summons Drogon (is that a thing now? He hasn’t seemed very obedient before), mounts, and flies off to burninate the attacking ships. Meanwhile, the other two dragons break out from the pyramid to join the carnage. (Was there some kind of signal? Does a bat signal work on dragons?)
Meanwhile, the combat on the ground is brutal, with the Sons of Harpies slashing the throats of former slaves. It only gets more brutal when the Dothraki army, with Daario at its head, rides in and starts taking names and chopping heads.
The soldiers protecting the slavers ditch at Greyworm’s suggestion, leaving them undefended. Tyrion claims the task of choosing which of the slavers to kill and which to let live to tell the tale. Two of the slavers throw the third under the bus, saying he started out as a dirty poor. Greyworm swipes off the heads of the rich ones instead, and sends the final slaver to spread the message of Daenery’s domination.
There’s lots of blood and even more charred flesh, but I have to say, I’m quite desensitized. First of all, we’ve seen all of this before. Second, some of it is relatively obvious CGI – we live in a spoiled time. Third, we don’t know any of these people. This show rests on killing those we love and hate, not randos on the field.
Anyway, the battle is over, we won, hoorah. The next thing we see is that Theon and Yara have arrived in Meereen. Hmm.. they didn’t run into that other giant fleet of ships?
Tyrion is not thrilled to see Theon again. Remember when he was just a horny little jackass? We all miss those days. Except for Tyrion.
Tyrion assumes that Theon is the one stepping up for the throne, but Dany is pleased when she realizes Yara wants to be the first female ruler of the Iron Islands. After doing the math – 100 Greyjoy ships + the leftover slaver ships minus having to bone Euron Greyjoy – Dany is in. She’ll grant the Iron Islands independence, in exchange for the ships and loyalty. However, there are going to be some changes. Dany makes another great father’s day comment about how Papa Greyjoy, Papa Targaeryn, and Papa Lannister were all evil, and their kids are not going to continue that tradition. For one thing, the Greyjoys can’t rape and reave any more.
NO MORE REAVERS
Winterfell
Jon and Sansa are riding to have a little pre-slaughter chat with Ramsay. (Lady Mormont is there too! Yay!) Ramsay asks Jon to return Sansa to him and surrender his army. Jon responds with a counteroffer: one on one combat. Ramsay pansies out and turns him down. After all, Jon has a sweet reputation with his sword.
Jon tries to needle Ramsay by implying that he’s a coward, but Ramsay really has the trump card here (and yes, I mean that in the douchiest, Trumpiest way possible): Rickon. He proves it by tossing out Shaggydog’s head. WILL THE DIREWOLF INDIGNITIES NEVER END? One real life gorilla dies and everyone freaks out, but half a dozen imaginary dire wolves and nobody lifts an eyebrow? This world.