Holy shit, Trashies! It seems like it’s been forever since we were last here. What did we all do with ourselves last week? As I’m sure you remember, we left off with Chad coming back to the house after being eliminated on a 2-on-1 date with Alex. And that’s where we pick up this week!
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Clik here to view.The men have a funeral for Chad’s protein powder.
Meanwhile, Chad is making his way back to the house doing his creepy whistle thing. Nothing major happens. Chad tries to make the elimination to be a flaw with JoJo and Jordan tries to turn this moment into a chance for Chad to apologize. That, of course, doesn’t happen and Chad just continues to defend his behavior. Evan tries again to get Chad to pay for his $10 Old Navy shirt that was ripped. For fuck’s sake, Evan. Let it go. The other men just walk away and Chad leaves whistling. Also, if you don’t know, he’s dating Robby’s ex girlfriend now. I guess that means he doesn’t last long on Paradise. Thank God.
With that, we are reminded that Alex is actually still on a date with JoJo. That lasts all of a few moments because the men have to throw a party for Alex still being here.
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Clik here to view.I wonder if they made those cupcakes out of the remaining protein powder.
Oh, hey, there’s still a cocktail party and rose ceremony to be had. Chase has some of those weird plastic balls from the football date that happened ages ago and he and JoJo just run around in those for a bit. Robby takes JoJo outside to make a wish in a fountain and talks about them getting engaged at the end of this show. Also, does Robby ever blink? Ugh, James F. is our poet this season. Does every season have to have one of those? After that, there’s just a montage of Daniel being creepy and Luke being way too intense. While that’s going on, Wells, Chad, and Derek are talking about how people are becoming “mini Chads.” I guess that’s how they’re referring to any guy who makes an effort to actually talk to JoJo.
While that’s going on…
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Clik here to view.It’s a good thing Jordan finally gets some time with JoJo.
OK, rose ceremony time! Luke, Alex, and Jordan all have roses. The rest of the men staying are:
Derek
Robby
Chase
Wells
Grant
Vinny (who?)
James Taylor
Evan
Daniel’s exit is weird. He flat out says that if JoJo were only basing this on looks, he’d still be there over a lot of the guys. I mean, at least he admits that his personality is shit. “The chances of her falling for me…I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning while, you know, shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaving my face.” Never change, Daniel. Never change.
Back inside, everyone is excited to leave Pennsylvania and go somewhere “exotic and romantic”…Uruguay. Also, we learn that Vinny doesn’t know how to pronounce Uruguay. And that’s pretty much all we know about Vinny at this point.
When they all arrive in Uruguay, JoJo tells us, “I hold every guy I’m interested in to a standard.” Keep in mind, she didn’t say a high standard. Just “a standard.”
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Clik here to view.Aim high, JoJo. Aim high.
After that, we get the obligatory plug for the hotel. Evan tells us that they have a 360° view of the ocean. See, that doesn’t work when you’re not on an island, Evan. Why don’t you stick to helping guys get their dicks hard and leave the thinking to people who can handle it? Anyway, there’s a date card waiting and it’s for Jordan. It says, “Jordan, let’s seal the date. <3 JoJo.” There’s a lot of awkward silence while Jordan gets ready. I guess the guys are just pissed that it’s so obvious that he’s the front runner. Why are all the guys turning on him now? Seriously, he seemed to get along with everyone up until Chad left. We don’t really see anything of the date. Jordan and JoJo sail past some seals while the men bitch about it back at the house.
Speaking of the men back the house, how the fuck do they have tabloids in Vinny’s makeshift barbershop? It was hilarious following Twitter while this was going on. Basically, everyone who had been on the show said that the producers won’t even let you look at magazines in the airport. There’s no way these magazines weren’t just planted here to cause drama. So, the magazines contain an interview that was done with JoJo’s ex Chad (the one who sent the flowers last season). It’s just your typical, “We got back together then she dumped me to be on the show. I bet she’s doing this just for fame” bullshit.
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Clik here to view.Nope. Not staged. At all.
I’m not sure why the guys get all pissy about this. Seriously, does anyone think this show is actually about love? Even Kaitlyn – one of the few people still with her final choice – admitted that she came on the show to make a name for herself and build a brand. While the men are still whining about a stupid tabloid article, a date card arrives for Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex (“I can’t sand to be away from you <3 JoJo”). The guys aren’t even happy to go on the date. Alex even calls the article slander, so I’m not sure why he’s pissed. Slander, by it’s very definition, is something that isn’t true. Also, in written form, it’s called libel, but I don’t expect Alex to know how words work.
Oh, hey, Jordan and JoJo are still making out and he says that he’s falling in love. There’s a pause in the tonsil hockey while JoJo confronts Jordan about his cheating past. Simply, she met his ex girlfriend and found out he really wasn’t the best boyfriend in the world. Ya think? Also, when did JoJo meet this girl? She was announced as the Bachelorette and then filming began like two days later.
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Clik here to view.“The producers told me that literally everyone in the world knows you’re a cheater.”
Anyway, Jordan tries to blame football again for his breakup. Also, he says that he never physically cheated, but he spent time talking to girls he shouldn’t have. You know, cheating. Of course JoJo forgives him because I’m pretty sure there’s no way he’s not winning this thing. We’ve all pretty much realized that since night one. There’s more making out, a rose, and hen a performance by a band we’ve never heard of. I do laugh when Jordan asks if the band is a mariachi band. He does realize that Uruguay and Mexico aren’t the same thing, right?
JoJo comes back to the hotel, and while she’s giving an ITM about how great she’s feeling, a producer gives her the article about Chad. While that’s going on, the guys fill in Jordan on the situation. We get a lot of ranting from JoJo about how Ben was the truest love she’d known, but Chad just wanted to disrespect her. With that, she goes off to talk to the guys about it. Despite all the guys saying they weren’t sure how JoJo felt, they’re all super quick to forgive her. I mean, the minute they say they doubt her, they lose their free vacations. They’re more than willing to stay.
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Clik here to view.“If I get kicked off now, I lose my chance to be the next Bachelor!”
Before seeing any of the group date, we have a shot of Robby and Jordan having a spa day.
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Clik here to view.Classy.
The date is just sand surfing on the dunes. While watching this, my boyfriend said to me, “How long before Evan bleeds all over the place?” He’s becoming one of us! Yeah, we see very little of the date before a date card arrives for Robby. It says, “Love is within our reach. <3 JoJo.”
The evening portion of the date just takes place back at the hotel. Luke takes JoJo away first to tell her that he doesn’t care about the article. On another note, does Luke always keep his intense stare set at 11? Seriously, he keeps that look even when he talks about his feelings for JoJo warming his heart.
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Clik here to view.It’s OK to smile, bro.
Then there’s another montage of the guys telling JoJo they don’t care about Chad’s interview. Meanwhile, Derek is falling to the first date curse. He’s feeling all types of insecure because he’s seeing other men have a connection with JoJo that only he (well, and Jordan) had for a little while. I do give him credit for just straight up admitting that he’s jealous.
While that’s going on, Alex has decided to make Derek his new enemy. Where the hell is this coming from? All we’ve seen of Derek is him being super mature when confronted by Chad and just admitting that this situation is tough for him. How does this make him a bad guy? I’m not sure what Alex even talks about when he spends time with JoJo. At the end of it all, JoJo says she wants to give a rose to someone she feel needs some reassure and then hands it to Derek. Alex tries to make it seem like this was a “pity rose” because JoJo said she wanted to give some reassurance to Derek. Or, you know, it means she likes Derek and she wants to make sure he knows it. Whatever works for you, Alex. “I don’t need a group date rose to feel OK,” says the man who is pissed off about another guy getting the group date rose.
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Clik here to view.Alex almost makes me wish Chad had stayed.
I love that the next day’s date opens with JoJo declaring “I love dogs!” Yes, JoJo. We can see that based on the guys you keep around.
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Clik here to view.Cuter than anyone on the show.
The date is the just the obligatory walk-around-town-and-look-at-stuff date. It’s super boring, so we have to watch the guys complaining about Derek having a rose for a minute. Then it’s back to the date where Robby admits to us that he loves JoJo. Keep in mind that this is their first real one-on-one time together. Yep, Robby is this season’s creepy soon “I love you.” Anyway, they turn the date into a metaphor by jumping off a cliff into the ocean. I almost choke on my beer when JoJo feels safe because Robby is “an Olympic swimmer.” No, he’s not, JoJo. He swam for Florida State back in the day. He made it to some national level tournament, but only got an honorable mention award. So, yeah, Robby got a participation medal.
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Clik here to view.And the show’s interns used MS Paint to cover JoJo’s butt cheeks.
Ugh, we have to still talk about why Derek got the rose. Dudes, get over it. Derek said that he was feeling a little bit jealous and that things were getting tough. JoJo wanted him to know that she still likes him, so she gave him a rose. Why is Alex being such an ass about this? Go home, Alex.
The nighttime portion of the date is kind of uncomfortable. Robby’s friend was texting his girlfriend (who he was about to propose to) and he drove off a bridge. As a result, Robby decided to do whatever he has to in order to be happy – moving, getting a new job and leaving a relationship where he wasn’t happy. With that, Robby admits that he loves JoJo. Her response? “Thank you so much.” Yep, that’s what you want to hear after saying “I love you.” Anyway, Robby gets a rose and they go outside and watch fireworks.
Holy shit! We’re getting two rose ceremonies this episode! Yay! I’m sick of the whole cliffhanger stuff. Anyway, Derek is annoyed that Robby, Alex, Chase, and Jordan have decided to gang up on him. Like the adult he is, Derek declares to calmly talk to them about the situation. Of course, the other men get defensive and act like Derek is taking away their time with JoJo…who isn’t even there. It’s hilarious that Alex keeps calling Derek insecure. Pot meet kettle. It doesn’t even matter that Derek used this time because JoJo has made up here mind, there will be no cocktail party, and three guys will be leaving. With that, let’s get to it!
Jordan, Derek, and Robby all have roses. The men staying are:
Luke
Chase
Alex
James Taylor
Wells
That means Evan, Grant, and Vinny (who?) are gone. Why is Vinny (who?) crying so much? Did he ever actually speak to JoJo?
Anyway, that’s it for this week, Trashies! What do you think about all the guys ganging up on Derek? Do you think Jordan will emerge as the new villain? Sound off in the comments below!
Until next week, Trashies!
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