Greetings, Trashies! It feels like it’s been forever since there’s been a new episode of The Bachelorette. I think that’s because I’ve never been so bored on this show. Do you think Chris Harrison will say “most dramatic season yet” with a straight face at the “After the Final Rose” special? Lord knows I can’t. Anyway, let’s get right to this week’s episode.
We star with Alex whining about getting a rose and not wanting a “pity rose” when Chris Harrison appears. He basically just says that JoJo wouldn’t keep someone she doesn’t want to keep. What he really means to say is, “JoJo sent home two guys before the rose ceremony so she had to keep everyone in order for the numbers to match up. As usual withe episode before hometown dates, there are no roses given out on the one-on-one dates, but there is one on the group date.
Robby should get sent home just for his hair.
Before he disappears for the rest of the episode, Chris Harrison leaves a date card for Alex that reads, “I gaucho on my mind. <3 JoJo.” Seriously, the interns need to work on their pun game. That was weak. The other guys are just happy that Alex can finally shut up about not getting a one-on-one date. We all know this is pretty much Wells all over again, right? JoJo can barely keep a straight face when she tells us that she’s excited to go on a date with Alex.
That is not the face of a woman who wants to be on a date.
Meanwhile, this is how the other guys travel…
Still better than having to hang out with Alex.
The bus ride is probably exponentially more interesting that JoJo’s ride with Alex. The highlight of their trip includes eating Pringles and wondering if wheat is planted in a nearby field.
Literally the most interesting thing to happen this entire season.
JoJo tells us that she feels comfortable with Alex, but she’s not sure if they’re connecting romantically. First, didn’t she say that about Wells just before dumping him? Second, if she hasn’t had a romantic connection with Alex, why has she been making out with him since like episode three?
We cut back to the bus for the second cringiest rap I’ve ever heard in my entire life. The first being Alex’s “Yo, yo/JoJo/Gots ta go/To the liquo sto.” Can she please eliminate him now? Apparently, that’s his “go-to line.” How is that his go-to line? How many women named JoJo is he meeting on a regular basis? The guys on the bus talk about how much more fun JoJo would be having with them and that’s juxtaposed with an awkward silence in the car with her and Alex. That silence is broken by the most painful audible sigh I’ve ever heard. That sign sums up pretty much everything I’ve thought about this season.
JoJo an Alex finally arrive to their date location. It’s just a ranch and JoJo says the word “gaucho” a lot while she reads the definition off Wikipedia.
Alex’s hat is somehow worse than Robby’s hair.
And the pants are even worse.
The guys who aren’t on the date, get to go to a tiny roadside barbecue stand. I’m sure Chad is super upset that he missed all the free meat. Their conversation is nothing special – just discussing how likely it is that JoJo is going to send Alex home.
Speaking of JoJo and Alex, they’re going to ride horses in their fancy new outfits. JoJo has a hard time mounting the horse.
This does not bode well for the Fantasy Suites.
And then some horse cuddling happens.
That’s not a metaphor.
Alex and JoJo have more chemistry with the horse than they have with each other.
While that’s all going on, the other men arrive at a polo club. I love that Luke describes it as one of the most beautiful polo clubs in the world. I’m sure he’s been to so many to compare it to. Also…
Can one of these guys teach James Taylor how to dress himself?
I get that you’re on a long bus ride and want to be comfortable. Hell, I make the four hour drive to and from my boyfriend’s house in pajama pants and an old kickball t-shirt. However, I’m not on national TV. Get some sleeves, James!
Ah, it’s finally time for Alex to get dumped the nighttime portion of the date. Nothing really happens – they just recap their day and Alex tells us that he’s ready to bring JoJo home to meet his family. Since that’s super boring, we cut back to the house where a date card arrives for Jordan. I don’t really care about that because I’m too focused on James Taylor’s tattoo.
‘MERICA!
So, yeah. Jordan gets a one-on-one date two episodes after his first one. Gee, I wonder who JoJo’s favorite is.
Back on the date, JoJo is asking about who she would meet if Alex somehow gets a hometown date. After some brief talk of family, Alex tells her that he’s falling in love with her.
And JoJo makes this face.
For some reason, Alex can’t pick up nonverbal cues. He just keeps talking.
And JoJo’s expression just gets worse.
JoJo tells us that she never expected Alex to say he’s in love with her…on a show that is designed to make people think they’re in love. As Alex keeps going, we see JoJo actually wipe away a tear and clear her throat. Why is he still talking?! Look at her expression, moron! The moment finally ends when JoJo says that she’s not excited to hear Alex say that he’s in love with her (you know, because he’s not Jordan). And with that, Alex is sent home.
I do feel a little bit bad for Alex. He and JoJo were making out and being cuddly all day. Then she dumps him the moment he says he’s in love with her. We all know that the two of them weren’t going to end up together (again, because he’s not Jordan), but I see why he thought this date was going so well and was caught of guard by the dumping. He was cold but polite in his exit and I’m glad we were spared him crying or raging in the limo.
Let’s move on to actual contenders, shall we? The next morning, Jordan arrives at an airport for his date with JoJo. I’m kind of jealous that they get to go wine tasting. That’s pretty much my favorite thing ever. Oh, but first, they have to do the cliche crush-the-grapes-with-their-feet thing. Can this please happen?