Hey, dorks. This episode made me just terrifically sad this week, and Eugene didn’t even appear. This show might be a little too good. That or I’m overly invested in a fictional universe the events of which have literally zero impact on my life.
Nah.
I will say the pathos was laid on a bit thick this week. It felt like everyone with the exception of Odin had their own very special scene that lanced you right in the feels. Sheriff Root came to the tiniest, but most poignant realization that he likes his kid and wants him around. Emily finally found the courage to admit like, ten percent of her feelings for Jesse only to have him cruelly rebuff her. The origins of Tulip and Jesse’s relationship are revealed to have started in innocent, but tragic circumstances. And the preacher himself takes self-hatred to a whole, new level climaxing in a desperate and fruitless search for the boy he sent to Hell. Each of these stories are affecting and beautiful on their own, but strung together, they made for one downer of an episode.
Except for this part. This part made me titter.
We begin almost immediately where we left off, the camera zoomed in on the empty spot that Eugene left behind on Jesse’s orders. Jesse stares at the spot for a moment, his face inscrutable, but then doubles down on his decision and smiles, sickeningly satisfied. He moves to open the church doors, and the camera pans up to reveal Cassidy standing in the choir loft having witnessed the entire thing.
You know you’ve gone too far when a vampire’s all, “That’s fucked up.”
I expected the sermon that follows to blow the roof off that church. I expected Jesse to make a divine proclamation force-inspiring the people of Annville to be good, faithful Christians for the rest of their days. I expected him to make them go Gospel Flash Mob and start speaking in tongues. But, alas, it would seem the incident with Eugene shook Jesse’s faith in his own power enough that all he does when the time comes is greet the congregation and normal-voice, “Serve God.” That’s it! Then he introduces some Church Lady to start the first reading. BORED.
The general feeling in the church is one of rapt confusion, which is probably only making Jesse feel worse. Hey, Jesus was fond of the sheep metaphor for a reason–they need to be led. However, what Jesus conveniently forgot to mention was that sheep will generally follow anything. So while Jesse may be telling himself that he’s pursuing the Agenda of the Great and Powerful, the fruits of his labor are pretty rotten.
BAAAAHH
After the sermon, the congregation files out and Sheriff Root discretely asks around about Eugene. Because, of course, now that Eugene is gone, the sheriff will undoubtedly realize just how much he loved the little guy. So, some more tragedy for us all to look forward to. Tulip was in church, too, but she doesn’t stay to talk to Jesse. From the church we cut to a confusing sequence with a great payoff. Tulip runs through a neighborhood in Annville at top speed, barefoot, jumping fences, cutting through backyards all the while looking fabulous in her killer Sunday best. Girl cleans up GOOD. She finally alights on the hood of a truck, pauses, sets her wedges down and waits. Then two kids bike around the corner and she cold cocks one of them right as they pass! Is it bad that I had zero problem with that without knowing the context? Probably. I’d be a terrible judge. She orders them to “Give [her] the pants,” and the boys sheepishly hand them over. THAT’S RIGHT! NO ONE STEALS PANTS FROM TULIP O’HARE! My love for Tulip is so,very, very blind I’d cheerlead her for ordering a latte.
Prize in hand, Tulip returns to her Uncle Walter’s house to find him passed out on the front porch… pantsless. She tries to get Walter up and into the house, but his dead weight won’t budge. Defeated, she takes a cigarette out of his pants, lights up and cradles him between her legs as passersby look on, judgy judge judging.
Rly, dude? That’s a high horse for someone wearing a fucking prairie dog suit.
No one thought Tulip had it good growing up, but the subsequent flashbacks this episode prove just how hard a battle she’s had to fight her entire life. We cut to PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE, which is my favorite title card to date. Tulip and Jesse are sitting on a bench outside when John Custer and the principal emerge from the office. Jesse looks nervous to face his father, but Tulip just looks pissed and unapologetic… with blood on her face. Can’t wait to hear about that! Jesse and Tulip are there for beating up a bunch of kids, and Jesse tries to explain to his father that the boys were making fun of Tulip, and didn’t John always preach standing up for people? That shuts him up real good.
Don’t worry John, your son’s not any better at this than you are.
In shock, the principal reveals that someone bit Donny Schenk’s nipple off and HAHAHAHHAAAAA!!! I really, really want to be Tulip when I grow up. Then I want to clone myself and make another Tulip to hang out with. Little Tulip is fresh out of fucks, so she barely plays along when Jesse comes up with an elaborate explanation for why that particular bit was an accident. It’s truly hilar. When it’s time to go home, Tulip has no place to go. Her uncle’s drunk, her mother’s in jail so John sighs and brings her home with them. Tulip and Jesse are elated, as I would be. I loved hanging out with my friends so much at that age that I literally cried when I had to go home. PERMANENT SLEEPOVER WAS FOREVER MY DREAM.