We pick up right in the middle of another one of Callum and Brandi’s fights. I don’t understand why exactly they are drawn to each other- am I alone in this? Is it because they are both blonde, tan, and older than everyone else in the house? So much in common. The other girls go to help Brandi, (listen to the drama) because they’re all friends (dying for camera time). The first few minutes of this episode basically turns into Summer Lovin’. Jessica tries to be the voice of reason and Brandi replies “this wine needs some ice in it”.
Any time any conflict arises, Callum screams “HOW AM I THE BAD GUY I AM NOT A BAD GUY?!!!” You know who says that? The bad guy. This fight is so stupid I don’t even want to go into the actual problem, because it’s irrelevant. They like each other. That’s what they are fighting about.
The camera zooms out and reveals Willis has been there the whole time, hand down pants.
Time for The Bad Guy to have a therapy session with Doctor Darcy. She asks him to explain the Brandi drama, and he does. So Friend Darcy is like “do you want my take?”. That’s not what therapists do???? That’s what your friends dooo!!!! I should be a tv therapist. Seriously. After recapping this show and Mother/Daughter Experiment? I could for sure do it. If anybody knows a hook up, let me know. Only thing I need to work on is making my wardrobe less boring. I think anyone could pick up on the fact that Callum gets angry and defensive. Or maybe I am a genius. Or maybe it’s that weird lump in the back of his head, sending me signals.
Willis has now floated over to the porch to talk to Jessica about how she’s a loner. Yes, hand still down pants. She says she isn’t a loner, she’s just always in her room because she’s afraid Aubrey will lock eyes with her and steal her soul. Also, gluing all those rhinestones to your face takes time (And it is worth it, Jessica. I am a fan). Willis tells us that he does have feelings for Jessica, because they vibe.
Jessica has her one on one with Friend Darcy, talks again about being a loner. Friend Darcy hints that there might be a connection between Jessica living with 13 siblings, to her now keeping to herself. Again, seriously, how do I get this job. I want to tell Brandi Glanville to get her shit together. Friend Darcy then asks her to tell her the story of how her dad passed away and literally FOAMS AT THE MOUTH????
Josh asks Jessica for a hug and she says no. The Bad Guy is apparently in the room and immediately hugs Jessica. Feels like that could have been edited a little better. Hey hey, I’m not calling anyone the bad guy here, editing crew. Just curious. Friend and Narrator Darcy clues us in to the fact that Somaya has a crush on Jessica as well. Even though the next scene is just Somaya showering Jessica with a thousand too many compliments.
Tonight’s “challenge” is just going out to dinner. Going on a date. Josh and Willis met girls at the party to go out with. Josh’s date is very annoying, I hate her, but she reminds me of myself. Mostly just when she laughed at her own joke and turned into a bird.
Willis’s date is so late he ends up taking selfies with random people walking by the restaurant. He waits for her much longer than he would have had he not been on a tv show. To be fair, he waits way longer than I would have. And the date is incredibly awkward. I bet anything they get married.
“Dear Jessica…Wish you were here”
Somaya and Jessica are getting drunk and flirting. I love drunk flirting. I love watching* drunk flirting. I don’t know that I really care about their relationship, but I am definitely glad to see more Somaya on this show. I want her to yell at Brandi again. Or anyone. Josh? Josh. He couldn’t even begin to handle it.
The weirdest double date of all time is going weirdly. Aubrey starts going on to Brandi about their friendship and how well she knows Brandi, and Brandi makes the funniest “listening to some bullshit compliments” face.
Somaya and Jessica go back to the house and share what looks like the best bath ever. Jessica says poor Willis is going to be so disappointed. Eh, is he? By now he’s probably okay watching this episode. Hand down pants.
Brandi and The Bad Guy get into another fight about.. something? I think they’re fighting, again, about the fact that they like each other. Brandi comes back to the house and starts crying. I think it’s because the just got out of the bath, and they are also wiping off their makeup, but it looks like they’re ALL crying. But what can I say, I’m crying too. It’s so funny to me that Brandi is several years older than these girls, but she’s the one coming home late, tipsy, and crying over a boy.
Aubrey is trying to put words into Pauly’s mouth while also putting his dick in hers. Pauly is super drunk, I think. He is my favorite drunk. He just told Aubrey, and the world, about how he orders girls on Craigslist. Aubrey thinks that pauly is playing games with her by not saying he’s falling in love with her yet. She has such a weird rule book. Last week she wanted matching tattoos. I’m sorry but does it really mean that much if you have to force someone to compliment you? I’m not talking about fishing for compliments. That’s totally acceptable on occasion. But if you have to corner your drunk boyfriend and squeeze words out of him that you are telling him to say…. Does that really make you feel all warm inside? Maybe I’m just weird and want someone to tell me they love me because they do. The dudes I order on Craigslist always do it that way too.
Next week, the drama continues. Sorry I’ve been flakier than Brandi’s trust issues. I won’t go into my life, because it isn’t relevant. It does feel good to rip these dummies. I’ve missed you all. Please talk to me below. THANK YOU!!!
XOXO KAT