***Please welcome the fabulous Lady Crockett to take on Stranger Things!
Let’s turn back the clock to 1983, where Stranger Things are happening. This new Netflix sci-fi thriller takes place in Hawkins, Indiana, a fictional town harboring bicycle-wielding children, a pill poppin’ police chief, hormonal teenagers, wild wallpaper designs, and rogue extraterrestrials who dabble in the electrical arts. It is also home to the Hawkins National Laboratory of the U.S. Department of Energy, where the adventure begins.
Chapter One: The Vanishing of Will Byers
The ominous opening includes a celestial view of the stars, hovering above the laboratory amidst a soundtrack of crickets and other spooky night creatures. Within the walls of the massive-looking lab, we find a hallway full of fluorescent lights gone wild. Get out your glowsticks, folks. A labcoat-wearing, sweaty man bursts from within a vault-like door and sprints around the flashing hallways, his panting breath punctuated by eerie reverberations. What is he running from, exactly? We are not quite sure, although he seems to believe there is solace to be found in a freight elevator. A suspenseful moment of button jamming and looking-over-his shoulder occurs, but he makes it safely inside, eager to close the doors and lock out his pursuer. Sadly, it appears as if Mr. Labcoat, entranced by the hallway rave, has unsuccessfully evaded his hunter, who is somehow simultaneously gurgling, snarling, and laughing above him. The unseen Predator-meets-Alien sounding beast scoops up our first protagonist, who goes kicking and screaming into the elevator ceiling. Quite strange, indeed.
Going up?
We move on to a sprinkler across town, making similar gurgling noises as it waters the lawn of a suburban family home. In the basement we find four young boys, one of whom is explaining, “Something is coming, something hungry for blood,” in a frightening story that reinforces the theme of mysterious danger, in case you missed it. The only “danger” for these boys, however, is within the world of Dungeons & Dragons, which they’re playing intently. Yes, our four young heroes appear to be huge nerds, albeit adorable ones.
There is speculation of the threat within the game being a “demogorgon,” which sounds really, really bad, based on the panicked reaction of a lisp-wielding, toothless, trucker-hat wearing boy, named Dustin. His style very nearly mimics Ash Ketchum from Pokémon, which is very appropriate, given this summer’s hottest game.
Dungeons & Dragons, Gotta Catch ‘Em All!
It is revealed that the Dungeon Master was simply teasing an army of “troglodytes,” which we can only assume are fairly harmless, as they incite a relieved laugh from the players. Not wasting any time, our freckle-faced narrator is quickly back to freaking everyone the fuck out by alerting them of a strange, booming sound that’s looming. Clearly having a flair for theater, and harnessing everyone’s terrified attention, he unleashes the dreaded demogorgon, a two-headed monster met with alarmed groans.
“I’m not gonna lie to you, it’s gonna get weird. … Two dragons.”
Immediate action is required of Will, who is fated to vanish imminently, as evidenced by the title of this episode. It gets a little heated as everyone chimes in on what he should do, and Lucas, the token black friend, advises him not to be a “pussy.” Our Dungeon Master, not missing a beat, unleashes the booming wrath of the demogorgon as Will rolls the dice and anxiously screams, “fireball!” in retaliation.
Forgetting that they’re sitting at an impossibly tiny card table with no real estate for play action, the dice go flying off the table, chased by all four boys. Dustin goes into a full-on anxiety attack as he covers his ears and repeats, “oh my God, oh my God,” unable to withstand the tension of what the dice will reveal. The chaos is broken by a female shouting, “Mike!” at the top of the stairs. We learn the Dungeon Master’s name, as his Farrah Fawcett-haired mom demands that gameplay cease.
Mike races up the stairs after his mom, who’s being a total buzzkill amongst a sea of Tupperware. He insists that she give them twenty more minutes, as to not interrupt the “flow” of their 10-hour campaign. Perplexed by their endurance, she doesn’t give in. Mike moves on to his dad, who is fussing with bunny ears on the television, working to get David Hasselhoff on Knight Rider into focus. It’s a full-on 80s-fest in this house. Dad, an oblivious geek with gigantic glasses, lets out a monotone voice, imploring Mike to listen to his mother, all while keeping his focus intently on the Hoff.
Don’t they realize I’m a Dungeon Master with shit to do?
Back in the basement, Will has found the dice, and timidly asks Lucas if a seven counts? Because Mike didn’t see it, Lucas assures Will that it doesn’t count, which ensures his safety from the demogorgon. The three friends pack up their backpacks and put on their coats in a flurry, knowing full well that the party’s over. Dustin grabs a near-empty box of pizza, offering the remainders to Will and Lucas, but is met with a resounding “No!” Seizing an opportunity for romance, Dustin sashays upstairs to Mike’s older sister’s room, because beautiful teenaged girls are far less intimidating than a set of 20-sided dice.
The only thing teen girls love more than gossip is unwanted pizza.
Lounging on her swirly, iron-framed bed is Nancy, wearing a set of blue pajamas and gabbing away on a matching blue rotary phone. Dustin interrupts with a wave and offers her the last slice of sausage and pepperoni pizza (a lot of “s” sounds for someone with a lisp), but his toothless grin is met with an eyeroll and a door slam to the face. Burn.