The episode opens with Melissa checking in on things at Envy to supervise Derek exercising his new managerial duties and instructing on picking up poop leaving Joe at home to baby-sit his own kids.
Teresa’s Lawyer Jim picks her up for her book meeting and talks to him about the latest round of Joe is cheating rumors. Jim having learned his lines asks if she thinks this book will help set the record straight and lets her know the last restitution check has been sent.
Jac and Siggy lunch in a very busy place and as they announce its about to get loud in here and sit down the people behind them immediately get up to leave. I don’t know why but I thought that was hilarious because they were totally checking them out to see who they were. Siggy starts in about her kids and Sophie is too into her phone, the boy has hickeys. Jac says Ashley is so busy working she actually misses her.
Crazy, I know right!
Sig brought the wine and they order fries, just fries and they are sweet potato. Although delicious these do not count in my book as the naughty treat. She tells Jac that she has an upcoming playdate with Teresa and Delores to go rock climbing with their daughters and truthfully Jac looks crushed she wasn’t invited. Siggy brings up that there are all sorts of stories out that about Joe and Teresa splitting up and she feels bad. She wants to reach to Teresa about these rumors and possibly offer her services if needed. Jac tells her you can’t believe everything you read in the press. So Sig’s plan is to ease into the conversation by letting Teresa know that Jac said she approach her and Jac cuts her off saying do not mention her when discussing the cheater rumors with good reason.
Joe is at home alone with the kids and this scene is so overly dramatized. You can tell by Antonia’s face when he shoves them outside that they never go out there to play.
Go play on the garbage pile kids, that looks totally safe
Sure kids get out of hand but even toddlers (and dogs) understand simple commands like stop and come here. Also is it safe to let the kids run around outside with all those beavers running amok? Maybe that’s what the garbage dam is there for.
Joe makes a fake emergency call to “my wife” to let her know how important his fake blue prints are in front of him to take care.
I got a multi-million deal here.
Joe explains that he likes spending time with his kids but he doesn’t want to take care of them. Aw that is so sweet! That’s probably exactly, what they are going to tell him when he gets old and they put him in a home. Joe tells us that he’s an Italian Stallion who’s used to have his mom ironing his underwear and he expects that same treatment at home. I didn’t know there was an underwear-ironing scene in The Party at Kitty and Stud’s, must be in the lost footage. The kids come on covered in mud and they sit all over the kitchen counters and wash the dog in the sink. Gross. Antonia who has double the drama genes from Melissa and Joe screams for her mom.
The Gorga drama genes are strong in this one
Teresa arrives at her meeting and first goes into work on the recording of her book. The sound technician tells her not to worry but is she messes up she will have to start over.
Just Kidding
He tells her to read as if she is reading to her kids. LOL, like Teresa reads to her kids. And for a minute, I feel mean for thinking that but then she open her mouth and the monotone voice in which she reads in would make any book Dr. Seuss’s Sleep Book. Her dedications are to her daughters and as she starts she begins to explain how leaving them all was hard but leaving Audriana was the hardest because she is her baby then she starts to get verklempt. Here is a helpful tip DON’T DO THINGS THAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY GO TO PRISON FOR AND THEN LIE WHEN GIVEN THE CHANCE FOR LEINANCY.
After recording for a few hours, Teresa breaks for an editorial meeting with her team of editors and ghostwriter. They reveal the heavily photoshopped cover of what we now know as “Turning the Tables: From Housewife to Inmate and Back Again.” They are going to over photos in the book and come across one where Teresa is sporting the same hairstyle I thought was “the look” in elementary school.
Oh yeah that was the day I took my corn rolls out. Dead.
Teresa tries to make the title seem like the title is super insightful and self-aware. That she is best known for flipping tables and now she wants to be seen turning the tables like she thought her life was picture perfect and then it got flipped around. Did you get that?
Gabby is giving a guinea pig a bath and asking for soap Delores offers up Palmolive. Delores asks her daughter does she ever think about where she was at her age. Her daughter in typical self-involved young person says, no I don’t think about it because I am really busy with school and studying for the GRE. Delores talks about who school wasn’t pushed on her or even the thought because that wasn’t how good Italian girls lived their lives that and how she depended on a man for everything including giving her life meaning. And every time she struggled, she would tell her kids that if she had an education she wouldn’t be here. I can appreciate the sentiment here I had a friend’s mother who told us the same thing except her speech was much more entertaining as told after bar close making totino’s pizza rolls in the toaster oven while she was wasted. BUT, this speech also makes me question so much of her careers because you couldn’t be a corrections officer, surgery technician and real estate agent without some education right? Or were these more like Melissa Gorga careers, did them for a year and then when she got bored or didn’t get the reception she wanted she gave up. Gabby discusses leaving Jersey and I am happy to see Delores encourage both of her kids to live their lives and get out of their comfort zone, it makes you grow. Gabby really wants go and learn how to help cows give birth.
Don’t let those 4H kids convince you cow tipping is a real thing
Chris and Jac are discussing their financial troubles and how they are struggling to pay their bills. They have thrown all their money into the new tiny popcorn snack and Jac’s tore up face and there is no Plan B, which is also, what they said about BLK. They discuss trying to sell the house, even having Kathy and Rosie make an appearance burying and upside down St. Joseph statue in the yard. A lifetime of Catholic school and superstitious Mexican grandmothers did not teach me the meaning of this ritual but apparently, it’s an age-old tradition of degrading saints by putting their head in dirt to get them to help you sell your house, seems logical. FYI, someone out there is making a killing selling St. Joseph Home Selling kits for $12.95 each. Jac says they will make through, Chris didn’t have money when they first met and she loved him anyway. Yeah right then why did you haul your cookies all the way to Jersey for a man you met at a trade show and how did he buy a million dollar home before you were married?
Lots of boobs in this room
Joe catches Melissa working when she should be making dinner and we get another a discussion about Melissa not being home to be a good wife. Guys this is the 4th episode in and I am already sick of this storyline. Melissa is attempting to become a full time working mom who will be able to set her own schedule; that’s the dream! She isn’t curing cancer or joining doctors without borders in another country. Melissa is disappointed Joe is not being more encouraging he made her ambitious and he would be happier if she was just sitting at home watching Oprah. Well Melissa, I am going to go ahead and point out your failed pop career that he DID put money and time into as a benchmark for why he thinks this may not be a great idea because you don’t take criticism well AND Oprah hasn’t been on the air in the capacity of her own talk show for years.
Now go make me dinner
Next, a gratuitous scene of The Sig’s parenting style. Where she “surprise barges” into her daughter’s room, No. 1 Sophie, in a terrible outfit wearing too much makeup. Ugh Sig, I was just starting to like you, do not act as if you just happened into her room to catch her with what I assume was an adult cameraperson by herself. Do the right thing, take a million pictures of her in that getup so when she is grown you can show her photographic proof of her bad taste. Siggy snoops like any good mother does who subscribes to the Emily Gilmore handbook for parenting and finds a test with a score of 73. She tells her that 73 is average and not good. Do you think there is anything average about you? (saving that one in my parenting file for later). She goes into her son’s room check him for hickeys and demands he loves her.
Ugh, ok time for Chris’s big mini popcorn meeting. You guys I am going to say some stuff about the Lauritas that everyone may not like but the poet laureate of TTTV, notwithoutmytv, said they had my back so here it goes #squadgoals.
So as we all know Chris and Jac have started a new business venture The Little Kernel mini-popcorn. Tiny popcorn, so no hulls, made with no artificial ingredients containing whole grains (duh corn), gluten free (again duh corn), non-gmo and dairy free. On their website there is another couple featured in the twitter picture for The Little Kernel advertising who I am guessing are also investors.
Immediately, Chris starts the meeting with the marketing company explain the father of a child with autism it’s hard to find snacks for an autistic child that are non-artificial, to which I sigh. Yes except for the aisles and aisles of snacks listing the same attributes but are also ORGANIC at Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Target and just about any grocery store with an organic/natural food s aisle. Also, I think this meeting is fake because Little Kernel looks almost exactly the same in the art above as he does on the website but Chris needs it revised and done yesterday because he is going to do a trade show and wants to take tiny kernels along to pair with BLK water no doubt.
In the last recap where I said I did some research on season 5 what I meant was that I went back and watched almost the entire season and I find Chris and Jac less then credible on the issue. They get upset because people are criticizing them for not being concerned enough or focusing enough on their kid. Then also take every less than positive comment as perceived slight of their parenting and their child. Look I think that you definitely sell a little bit of your soul when you sign up to do reality TV but I don’t believe for a minute any of the cast would be so callous to criticize a child for actually being autistic. The Lauritas also claimed that BLK Water could help autistic children behave, Albie is actually the one that gave the sound bite but the Laurita’s perpetuated the myth. Given their financial woes and the legal issues they have found themselves in it appears they are utilizing the mass appeal of the show to garner sympathy purchases from people not unlike how the Giudices have used the show to get sympathy for them being shitty people.
Also in his meeting, Chris mentions they plan on giving back to the Autism community without mentioning where and thankfully, the website let me know they are donating an unspecified amount of proceeds to Generation Rescue, which also lists BLK water as a partner. Jenny McCarthy is the president of Generation Rescue, which I can’t, I am sorry you guys. I know Jenny has done a lot to bring forth attention to vaccines and autism for good or bad, mostly bad but honestly I cannot stand her and never have. This is especially difficult to take seriously when the searches related to generation rescue automatically generate 328,000 hits for criticism on the organization and even their Wikipedia page is a giant diss on their unprofessional ethics, a place they can freely edit. Additionally, Frontline, CNN, Forbes and a number of other online publications have written some not so complimentary reviews. Personally I vaccinate my children because its my choice and I do know people who don’t and that’s their choice but a shady charity is shady charity. Particularly one where the president’s husband sits on the board or directors, something the IRS clarifies as a conflict of interest in 501(c)(3) nonprofit organizations. Being associated with an autism charity that relies on questionable ethics does not help in their case for credibility.
**** end rant *****
Teresa takes Gabriela rock climbing to meet up with Siggy and No. 1 Sophie. Teresa is taking time to have individual time with her daughters and that is super nice. I learned that from SWT, co-star of the Rose Pricks podcast on her other podcast! I really like Siggy on this show because I feel like she is hard hitter and the only person who isn’t afraid to go tit for tat on Teresa. As soon as the girls are strapped in Sig starts in…
Oh look they are getting along.
She stirs the pot ever so gently by cautiously mention that she brought up these rumors to Jac and Jac said….
The Sig lays it down that there are a lot of rumors out there in the rags that Joe is cheating on Teresa. Teresa in a very rare moment is at a loss for words. Blink, blink, blink….Teresa finally recovers from being hypnotized by her own lashes and says well of course it’s all untrue. She demands to know what Jac said because Jac is not new to commenting publicly on the Giudice marriage. Teresa is glad to hear Jac kept her mouth shut. Sig offers her services if needed, no ulterior motives and lets her know that she is there for her. Delores comes in with her daughter and they all begin to discuss Melissa’s store opening. Teresa mentions she has to wear pants because the ankle monitor. I did not understand why last episode they kept zooming on her feet and now I get it. Thanks Crappens!
The day of Melissa’s store opening has come and her sisters come over to watch her get ready. Her sister get weepy thinking about their father missing this event too. Melissa, just wants to show her daughter that you can be a wife, mother and successful author popstar serious businesswoman™ (Lisa Wu). Melissa and Joe are either taking the economy level car from a car service or an uber, which is refreshing in series where opulence is always the not so silent cast member and he tells her that her father is always with her watching and being proud.
Jac’s family must really want to secure that funding for tiny kernels because Chris immediately starts asking if she has heard from Tre. Just at that magic production moment Sig calls Jac to let her know that she talked to Teresa and she immediately opened up and said OMG thank you so much for coming to me, I appreciate you wanting to talk to me and being there for me. This is not good because Jac takes everything so LITERALLY. Jac hurt says that all she ever wanted was to be the one Teresa ran to with all her problems. Uh that is not exactly how that conversation went. Siggy, is great but she is one of those friends whose stories you always want to take with a grain of salt sort of like Chunk from the Goonies.
Gia and Tre are on their way to the event but are missing out on Joe’s mothers birthday dinner. Tre is excited to be taking Gia, as Joe isn’t into woman’s fashion and red carpet or press stuff lately. As soon as Chris gets there Joe Gorga sets the stage the Giudices to arrive by asking Chris if he’s ready to see his buddy Joe and how long its been. Given Chris’ estimation it has been probably since the last time they filmed for RHONJ.
Ashley does her part for her mom to be in season 8 (and maybe herself) by pushing the agenda that Teresa doesn’t seem serious about rekindling her friendship with Jac because she hasn’t called or send textes unless when she knows she going to see her. Ashley furthers her mother’s position as a RHW by stating in her talking head that Teresa 2.0 is a publicity stunt and its only a matter of time before she shows her true colors again. Ashley says a real friend would call you and ask what are you wearing, OMG I am wearing this……hmm maybe when you are young and/or single. But Teresa has four children, a husband, a few pets, a handful of work commitments so her time is different AND she is still on probation so maybe its not in her best interest to be associating with those who are also going through their legal problems. ALSO if I am doing the calculations right based on décor and Delores daughter Gabby still being home its probably mid-January. Teresa has been home less then a month and I don’t think anyone should be jumping to conclusions on how she is spending her time. Although she came back, they are preparing for Joe to go in and if I were her I would be spending as much time as I could with my husband. HOWEVER (please read that in Gretchen’s voice), she is making time to film with and see others so maybe there is some truth to the Laurita theory. But the damage is already done you can see the wheels slowly turning in Jac’s head. Its like telling someone with an eating disorder they look fat and then offering them donuts.
Gia and Tre arrive and are greeted warmly by the press and family. Even though Gia is excited to see Rosie and Kathy, Teresa admits that she feels completely detached from them given the last few years but to her credit she is cordial. Despite all the trash talking by Chris and Ashley they both kiss and hug Teresa like a long lost friend just back from prison.
Jackie came as the Black Swan
Melissa gives a nice toast thanking everyone for their support of her and especially Joe. OKAY. Right as the toast is over Chris walks over to Teresa and lets her know that the Lauritas miss them and they would like to catch up, drink some wine and eat sausages. Teresa says she would love to but she cant drink until February 5th, something Chris clearly did not know, so Joe will drink for her. The ladies Melissa dressed for the event give a fashion show including Joe in a red dress hamming it up and thankfully no stripper moves. All in all the shop looks great and the party is a big success, at least no one fought at this boutique opening.