Here we go, Trashies. We finally made it! It’s time for the finale of The Bachelorette. Will JoJo pick Robby – the orange tinted cliche machine with a shady past? Or will she pick Jordan – with a past just as shady, but he’s related to Aaron Rodgers, so we’ll totally overlook all the shadiness? Let’s fine out, shall we?
We open the show with Chris Harrison reminding us that JoJo got her heart broken by Ben (it’s official – we haven’t gone a single episode without mentioning Ben) last season after he told her he loved her. Then he says, “JoJo is about to make the same tragic mistake…” Uh, what? I’m sure Lauren is happy to hear that one.
Ben’s tragic mistake.
We start the actual show with JoJo saying “Phuket” in Thailand (see what I did there?). She tells us that she’s in love with both men, but she doesn’t want to say it to either, because when she’s with Robby, she thinks of Jordan. However, when she’s with Jordan, she thinks about Robby. I’m sure whomever she ends up with will be super happy to hear that.
Anyway, it’s time for JoJo to introduce the guys to her family. I can’t wait to see how her brothers and mom react! First up, it’s Jordan. He tells that he’s often dreamed about the day he’d ask his future wife’s father for her hand in marriage. You know, not his future wife who is an adult (hopefully, anyway) and can make her own damn decisions. Jordan explains to JoJo’s family that he was the biggest skeptic of this show, but he’s really fallen in love. Why do people think that anyone will believe they came on this show as a skeptic. Isn’t the whole point of the show to fall in love? Why come on it if you don’t think that will happen? OK, we all know that isn’t why anyone comes on this show, but Jordan could at least pretend he’s here for more than just self-promotion.
In other news, JoJo has a (less hot) sister.
JoJo’s mother is literally the only person in the world who thinks that Jordan comes across as genuine and like he really cares about JoJo. Also, Jordan brought silly hats for everyone to wear.
No cheese hat? I guess Jordan isn’t a Packers fan.
At least JoJo’s mom comes to her sense and tells us that she thinks Jordan seems like a playboy. Someone’s been reading the tabloids and Instagram! She pulls Jordan aside to ask Jordan about his intentions with JoJo. It’s just the same old “I promise I won’t break your daughter’s heart” thing. Mom tells JoJo that she thinks she and Jordan are too similar because they both want to be the center of attention. In all fairness, I’m pretty sure just about everyone on this show wants to be the center of attention.
Even JoJo’s mom wants to be the center of attention.
JoJo tries to defend Jordan as just being likable. Her mom comes back with, “Who doesn’t like Jordan?” Well, his brother Aaron, Olivia Munn, all the exes he’s cheated on, every team in the NFL… Mom says to us that JoJo doesn’t listen because she’s super into Jordan. That pretty much sums up the entire show.
It’s time for Jordan to talk to JoJo’s dad. I spent last season and now this season trying to figure out why Mr. Fletcher looks so familiar. Then it dawned on me.
He kind of looks like Dennis Rader…the BTK killer.
That unfortunate resemblance aside, Jordan decides to not ask JoJo’s father for permission to marry her (which is super important to JoJo). Basically, it’s because there are two people left. In the normal world, this would be pretty logical. In Bachelor Nation, this is terrible. Also, remember when Nick and Josh asked the awesome Hy Dorfman if they could marry Andi, and Hy just said, “That’s not my decision. Ask her!” Can Hy be the next Bachelor?
And now Robby gets to meet the Fletchers. Why is he now shortening her name to “Jo.” God dammit, Robby. She goes by JoJo. Just fucking call her that. Anyway, the first thing Mama Fletcher asks is why Robby is attracted to JoJo. He says that “she’s smart and intelligent.” Yes, both smart and intelligent.
Robby is neither smart nor intelligent enough to know how synonyms work.
When they all sit down to eat, we hear the story about Robby telling JoJo about he told her he loved her in Uruguay. This is literally the only story he has. That doesn’t last long because, YAY! We get to talk to the brothers! Eh, they’re super subdued. ABC must have slipped them both a Xanax before this started. They both like Robby. While this is going on, JoJo’s mom is talking to Robby. After what she says, a lot is explained about JoJo. “She was raised a princess. I want you to make her a queen of your heart.” With that, it’s time for Robby to ask for JoJo’s father for his blessing and all that. It’s really nice of Robby to allow JoJo’s mom to be in the room.
How progressive of you, Robby.
So, yeah, Robby asks for permission to marry JoJo and her dad says sure. The Dad cries as he tells JoJo that he wants her to be happy.
After Robby leaves, JoJo goes back to talk to her family about both guys. Pretty much, everyone loves Robby. This is when JoJo finds out that Jordan never asked her father’s permission to propose. It makes me cringe to watch JoJo be a brat through all of this. It’s so obvious that she likes Jordan the best and she’s trying really hard to convince her family to get on board with that. It ends with everyone saying, “Yeah, we’d be happy with whichever guy you pick” just to shut her up and JoJo crying because she doesn’t know which guy she wants to pick.
Girl, you’ve obviously wanted Jordan this whole time. Just pick him and get on with it.
Once the crying is over, we move on to the final dates. Robby is up first. They just go hang out at the beach for a little while. There’s something that’s been bugging me about Robby all season.
Why does he always look like he shaved his chest hair three days ago?
The boyfriend is amazed that Robby’s hair looks the same even after swimming.
When JoJo asks Robby what he sees when he imagines their future, he gives the most ridiculous answer of all time. It’s this whole scenario where they’re drinking wine on the couch while ignoring their kids. Also, the meat loaf burns because they’re too busy drinking wine and making out. JoJo asks if Robby sees this tomorrow or a year from now. Uh, JoJo. There’s no physical way that you’ll have kidS (plural) tomorrow or even a year from now.
The nighttime portion of the date is just hanging out in Robby’s room. It’s just a lot of Robby saying he loves her and JoJo not saying anything anything of substance. So, yeah. It’s pretty much a recap of the entire show up to this point. Then Robby gives JoJo some pictures of the two of them. *Yawn.*
And not we move to Jordan’s date. They just sail around on a boat for a while and then kayaking through a cave. JoJo is still whining about Jordan not asking for her family’s blessing. When she confronts him about that, he doesn’t really say much of anything, because that’s what Jordan does.
The conversation continues to the nighttime portion of the date and Jordan continues to not really say anything. JoJo eventually accepts his non-answer so that they can just make out.
You can’t not forgive the guy with the famous brother.
Now it’s time for Neil Lane to show up with the rings he can’t sell to see if he can give them away to these jokers. Robby picks out his ring while Jordan calls JoJo’s dad (whose name is Joe, so Robby calling JoJo “Jo” is now twice as weird). It’s also weird that Jordan introduces himself with his full name. How many other Jordans are relevant to them at this point? Anyway, then Jordan picks out a ring. I wonder which of these Neil will be getting back in a few hours and which one he’ll be getting back in a few months.
While that’s going on, JoJo gets ready. Two notes arrive at her door. First, one is from Jordan to let her know that he asked her for her parents’ blessing. Then she gets a note from Robby addressed to “Ms. Fletcher.” I can’t cringe hard enough. Holy shit, does Robby have to say “in Uruguay” every time he talks about saying “I love you” to JoJo?
Anyway, we all know how this goes. The first one to arrive is going home. And that person is…
I can’t be the only one who knew this is how it would turn out, right?
Robby says a lot of wonderful things about JoJo and then she dumps him. How is Robby so surprised here? He got brought to JoJo early in the day. The person who shows up early in the day is the one going home.
Also, JoJo totally looked at the camera while Robby was talking.
I’m not sure what JoJo means with her stupid “I want it to be you” thing. I’m not sure this makes it any better. This girl is really bad at breakups.
JoJo is still sobbing as she tells us that she’s ready to spend the rest of her life with Jordan. He arrives and his proposal sounds just as scripted as everything else he’s said all season.
And JoJo totally buys it.
And now we move on to “After the Final Rose.” First, we talk to Robby!
His new teeth are practically glowing!
Seriously, looking at Robby’s teeth, I can’t help but think of the episode of Friends where Ross gets his teeth whitened.
This is pretty much Robby’s every date.
Robby talks about how much he loved JoJo, how hurt he was when it ended, blah, blah, blah. Oh, hey, did you know Robby told JoJo he loved her in Uruguay? I had no idea. I had completely forgotten about it. He should have told us about it more. Anyway, he’s doing better now, still cares about JoJo, etc., etc., etc. So, let’s get to the confrontation!
Another rare JoJo ponytail sighting.
It’s just the whole “why didn’t you pick me?” conversation. JoJo loved Robby, but she loved Jordan more. She just wants him to find love and be happy. Robby wants JoJo to be happy too and it’s all a big love fest (or Robby making a last ditch effort to be The Bachelor).
So, let’s reunite JoJo and Jordan. Oh, but first, Chris Harrison wants to find out who JoJo thinks should be the next Bachelor. She says Luke or Chase, but Chad stands up to beg for the job. I love that no one claps when he says he was a Marine. Chris Harrison tells us to turn into Paradise to see why Chad shouldn’t be the Bachelor. Also, he doesn’t like mimosas (you’ll understand with tomorrow’s recap).
Now we have to talk about the rumors surrounding Jordan. Of course JoJo backs him up. Also, there’s all the stuff about Aaron not talking to Jordan and we of course have to be reminded that Jordan is the brother of an NFL quarterback. She says it has all be hard, but she’s glad she had the support of her family. So, yeah, let’s bring out Jordan! Wow, they seem like they don’t even want to be on the same couch.
Seriously, could they sit farther apart?
It’s just a lot of repetition. They’re both happy, things were tough, they trust each other, etc., etc., etc.
And JoJo just looks sad while Jordan talks about how much he loves her.
We look at some tabloids, but they’re just happy to be able to be in public together. Also, they say that they bought a house in Dallas. Whoa! A guy is moving for the woman! Is this the first time it’s happened? Also, Jordan still doesn’t talk to Aaron (because we can’t go a single episode without talking about his more famous brother).
Why are we talking to Ben and Lauren about all this? Is it just to remind us that Ben’s season was more interesting? After that, there’s a big surprise for JoJo and Jordan. They’re going on an all expenses paid trip to…NEMACOLIN WOODLANDS RESORT IN FARMINGTON, PENNSYLVANIA! Seriously, they could have gone back to Thailand, but nope! They’re going to a place just outside of Pittsburgh.
So, yeah, that’s it. Then we get a “sneak peak” of Bachelor in Paradise 3. Is it really a sneak peak if it’s the same preview we’ve seen for weeks? Eh, whatever.
Anyway, that’s it for The Bachelorette! What did you think, Trashies? Do you think Jordan and JoJo will actually move in together? Hell, do you actually think they’ll last more than a few months? Sound off in the comments below. Also, make sure you check out RonnieK and Stafanie Wilder Taylor’s Rose Pricks podcast. Both this episode and the premier of Paradise are up.
I’ll have the Bachelor in Paradise recap up tomorrow. Thanks for being patient with all this show to recap!
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