When it comes to real life, I am not easy to please. I judge and I judge harshly. Text messages riddled with emojis, an egregious uncorrected spelling error, an important reference gone unrecognized, and I am OUT. Sure, this could be the reason I’ve been single for a decade, but I am comfortable up here on my very tall horse. However, when it comes to television, that horse shrinks significantly. It’s more of a mini pony that went lame and got shot on a long trip. I’ll watch ANYTHING and 95% of the time I’ll find something redeemable to keep my interest. I watch STITCHERS, for gods sake. Regrettably, once in awhile that other 5% comes along and I’m left staring at the clock, acutely noticing my brain cells die. No hot people to root for, no jokes that land, not even a whisper of a plot. Thanks Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens, for the two worst hours I’ve spent since the time my mom asked me to teach her to copy and paste. But hey, at least the science checks out.
It’s been five years since the last Sharknado that ripped all of poor Frankie Muniz’s limbs off. You can tell it’s the future because all of the technology is clear and Tara Reid is a CYBORG.
1. Why is making the tech clear the go to? I don’t want a clear phone or computer EVER. My whole day would be spent blindly groping surfaces trying to locate my items.
2. If cyborgs are what we’re looking at in five years, I might as well call it quits now because I’m sure I could only afford the off brand version and I’d start to rust and everyone would make fun of me
How am I supposed to use my “1-800-HOTLINEBLING” phone case on this thing?
The world’s been granted this time of respite due to scientist Aston Reynolds sharknado diffusing beacons that are placed sporadically around the globe. Must have been one hell of a kickstarter campaign because there’s no way a single entity could afford that budget.
To celebrate his accomplishments, Aston opens a SHARK HOTEL in Las Vegas. It’s literally an aquarium you can sleep in—quite a risk in the post-sharknado world. As any gambler knows, though, the house always wins, and this case was no exception. A dust storm forms, picks up speed, hits the hotel, and our first sharknado is in business. No worries though because world famous sharknado fighter Fin Shepherd is in town from Kansas for a family reunion. That’s a loose term because he’s with a random hot niece whom we’ve never met, he left his five year old son at home, and he has no idea Tara Reid is even alive.
I’m sorry, who are you?
He is, however, meeting up with his eldest son who chooses this exact moment to get married, jump out of a plane, and greet his father. In all the fanfare, the dumb dumbs apparently forgot to scan the horizon for GIANT dust cyclones and the newlyweds get swept up in the wind.
I cannot believe I raised this moron
The whole first sequence of the “film” is hot random niece and Fin fighting through sharks to reunite with his son and the son’s new wife. Spoiler alert: new wife dies eventually and literally no one cares.
I did laugh out loud one time and that was when a Chippendale dancer fought off a shark with a pelvic thrust. I’ve seen them in Vegas and 100% it is a plausible defense tactic.
My pelvic bone is impervious to you
About 500 cameos and a series of “nados” (cownado, oilnado, lightningnado, pleasekillmenado) later, the Vegas gang ends up back in Kansas to meet up with Fin’s youngest son. He’s supposed to be the precocious kid that we root for, but I resent having that shoved down my throat, so I am not a fan.
In San Francisco, Tara Reid learns for the first time from her father (who’s low key kidnapped her) that her family is still alive. First she cyborg fights her way to her daughter who’s accompanied by Fin’s father, David Hasselhoff. Then, they set off to locate the rest of their clan.
Eventually the whole family is back together and their reunion is as touching as one could expect given that Tara Reid can barely open her eyes. I do kind of appreciate that her five year old son is like “ew get away from me. I don’t know you, and also you’re a robot?” whereas everyone else is cool with that aspect.
I am a robot
Does sex stuff still work?
The sharknado hits a nuclear power plant and becomes a “nukenado” full of green radioactive sharks. Shit’s really getting dire so Aston and Fin begrudgingly team up. (There was some beef between them due to a plotline in Sharknado 3 where David Hasselhoff was abandoned in space. Duh.) As we all know, the only way to stop a nuke is by cooling it down, so these guys decide to reverse Niagara Falls into the nukenado or something? My feeble brain clearly can’t understand the science behind it, but I am confident it’s there.
Everyone flies to Niagara Falls (isn’t it nice that in the future, air travel continues no matter the “natural” disaster) where the flight attendant is a cameo role by the Hoff’s real life daughter, Taylor. She was THE WORST on Rich Kids of Beverly Hills so I can’t say I was sad to witness her inevitable shark attack. RIP.
Niagara Falls Dogs
There’s hoopla over wearing some sort of squirrel suit to attach the heebie jeebie to the filange or whatever the heck. Aston decides to do it, sacrificing himself, to give Fin a chance to be with his newly reunited family. Shockingly, he bungles the job and promptly dies. Womp Womp.
The rescue is left to Fin who obviously succeeds in neutralizing the “nukenado”. However, the sharks are still attacking and what follows is a ridiculous scene where each family member gets swallowed by a shark which is then in turn eaten by another shark. Excuse me, every family member except the little one, Gil, and the errant cousin who’s floating down Niagara Falls.
Accepting the torch of Shepherd family hero, Gil uses his baby chainsaw to cut each family member out of their respective sharks. Then they all stand happily together, covered in shark acid with an abnormally low pH, not even noticing the weird cousin stumbling up the bank, also alive. Upon reflecting that the destruction is finally over, The Eiffel Tower comes crashing down, ruining their bliss, the silhouette of Nova on top. SEQUELLLLLLLLLL.
My whole family is chum
As someone who genuinely enjoyed the first few iterations of this series, I’m bummed this one sucked SO much. The 4th awakens is the person who lost 30 pounds five years ago and still expects those “wow, you look great!” comments. Unfortunately, it seems the Asylum and SyFy aren’t ready to let it die, instead insisting on chainsawing their way out of a jumped shark to live another day.
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