Hi Trashiis! Before I got to the recap, I just wanted to pop in and say that this week’s recap is a double feature! I was away the week of episode 7, so I’m recapping both episodes 7 and 8 today. Hope you like it! I might take that format for the rest of the season, as I have another recap starting next week, so it would make my writing schedule a little more manageable. But enough with the boring stuff, on to the recap!
Spencer gives all the Liars “We’ve murdered and almost been killed together at least 10 times” (or BFFF) necklaces. It’s pretty cheesy, even more so for Spencer. They all congratulate Aria on the creepiest engagement since Woody Allen’s. Ali gets handed her bill, which says, “Roses are red. Violets are blue. You killed Elliott. I could have killed you. –AD” Wait a second, isn’t Ali broke because Elliott drained all of her bank accounts? I guess she’s college student broke, and not, you know, actually out of money.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
The craziest part about this bill is that these 5 girls spent $200 on brunch.
The cops walk in, and the girls instantly clench their butts, thinking they are after them. The cops bypass them and head to the elevators. Emily uses her status as part-time bartender to get the inside scoop on what’s going on. Another staff member tells her Sarah is dead, because that’s totally relevant to her and not confidential at all due to a pending investigation, but you know, Rosewood gotta Rosewood. Later, Jenna is sobbing to a cop, and the girls find her tears very suspicious. The police roll on down from the elevators with Sarah’s body, very casually, I might add. You would think this hotel would shut down temporarily, with a body having been found there, but the Liars all get a front row seat to the show. They all suspect Jenna had something to do with it, and Emily points out the file she found on Jenna’s laptop called “Charlotte DiLaurentis” that she found when she was snooping in broad daylight in front of Jenna.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
You couldn’t have taken the service elevator to transport the body?
Emily and her mom are jogging together. Hey, Emily’s mom is still alive? And in town? I love how TV moms are super obsessed with fitness. It looks like they are jogging for fun. What an alien concept. There’s some weird exchange about Emily buying her dinner, but it doesn’t seem relevant to anything. Meanwhile, Spencer is spying on Jenna as she chats with Toby. I just noticed that both Toby and Spencer have cleft chins. Think that’s what originally attracted them to one another? Once Jenna heads out, Spencer slides into her chair in front of Toby, and tells him Jenna lied about the reason she was in town. Toby knows, saying that Jenna was there for forgiveness.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
There is no way that is this much fun.
Flashback time: Toby and Jenna are watching fireworks. He tells her that he’s glad that he came on this family trip. Jenna becomes quiet and tells him she’s afraid, because she can’t visualize things in her mind anymore. Toby takes her wine away, realizing she’s at the sloppy confessions stage of drunkenness, and lets her touch his face so she can “see” it. She does that for two seconds and tries to kiss him. He gets mad and walks off. This doesn’t seem like enough of a reason to need forgiveness. What a massive overreaction.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Inviting Jenna to watch fireworks seems pretty cruel, Toby.
Ali and Mary are painting over the AD graffiti. I guess the police are done investigating, so they can just do whatever with it. They hear a noise in the living room and head down to see what it is. It’s Jason, with a long-ass hippie haircut and beard. He asks her if she’s okay, but seems not all that concerned. Mary is trying to hide inside the walls, but Jason sees her. I’m surprised at how smiley he is, since it’s basically like seeing the zombified version of his mother. He hands her a court order appointing him as Ali’s primary caretaker and kicks her out of the house. She takes it pretty well. Later, Jason asks how Ali could have gotten married without even telling him. She retorts that he wasn’t around. Okay, but you know texting, email, calling, and social media exist, right? Ali defends Mary for getting her out of the hospital and being there when he was away.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
With this look, I can see how Mary was lulled into a false sense of security. I’m going to need a minute before I finish this recap.
Spencer is at the hospital watching Yvonne (Toby’s fiancée) get treated by doctors after an assault. The pull out a curtain to keep her out, but don’t seem bothered by the fact that she bears no relation whatsoever to Yvonne. She updates Hanna on what happened, and Hanna asks her to come by the hotel. Meanwhile, Aria and Ezra have so much wedding planning shit all over his apartment. They’ve only been engaged for three days and they already have samples of decoration and giant binders for planning. Ezra is overwhelmed by at all, which is the only normal reaction to this, as it is way too fast. How do they even have a venue to start thinking about decorations? And a wedding planner? I know these people are rich as fuck, but this is ridiculous. He wants to elope in Tuscany, but Aria doesn’t seem like a fan.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Aria is—ahem—efficient.
Hanna has managed to get a key to Jenna’s hotel room. I know her mom owns the place, but come the fuck on. She rummages through everything, but it all looks empty. We see footsteps behind her, and it looks like it’s supposed to be Jenna, but it’s just Caleb. I love how their wardrobe is so gender-neutral, that we could have totally believed that those booties were Jenna’s. Caleb’s not convinced that Sarah’s death was an accident. Back at Ezra’s, they are already buying tickets to Italy. Who in their 20s has thousands of dollars on hand for a ticket to Europe? (Seriously, please tell me. I’m in my 20s, and I have clearly fucked something up) Aria gets a text from Jason (WTF?) asking to meet up. Have Aria and Jason ever spoken on screen before?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
I like how we’re supposed to think this could be JENNA or CALEB.
Emily is working at the bar, and is handing a martini to some dude with a $100 tip, and the camera turns around. It’s Noel Kahn, I think. He basically calls her a loser for still living there. Back at the café, Aria is cozying up with Jason, complimenting him on his modelesque rugged good looks. He tells her she looks good, and she quickly corrects that she’s engaged. To Ezra. He doesn’t seem that surprised. Aria gets worried and asks him if he’s told anyone about them. Wait, what? Has this ever been established before? Now that he knows he has no chance of getting back with her, he asks for her help with Ali, believing that Mary has completely taken her for a ride. Elliott drained their nonprofit’s accounts in addition to Ali’s personal ones. Okay, sure, that totally happens because you get married.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
I’m a fucking failure at life.
Caleb is giving Jenna a massage, pretending that it was provided by the hotel, so that he can get the key to her lockbox. Gotta love these contrived plotlines based on Jenna’s blindness. (No.) Caleb hands it to Hanna and Spencer outside, and they head upstairs. Inside the lockbox, there is not laptop, but there’s a bunch of paper. They take pictures of some pages, but then the door opens. We see feet again, and the shoes look very similar to Caleb’s. The person opens the lockbox, and it takes a few minutes for them to show that it’s Noel Kahn. He puts a stack of burnt papers in the lockbox and calls to leave a message to a mysterious doctor about running out of patience. He kicks at the wall and storms out of the room.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Jenna must be so stressed from sitting around playing her flute.
Emily meets her mom at the hotel bar and is super proud of her daughter for being a small town hotel bartender when she literally had every fucking opportunity to succeed spoon-fed to her. Spencer texts her, saying that Noel Kahn stole Mary’s file from Toby’s trailer (and was the one responsible for beating up Yvonne). They watch in horror as a bachelorette party comes to the bar. Emily and her mom have a terrible time at dinner because of the bachelorette party. Emily’s mom is being a real downer, because she feels guilty for trying to have fun without Emily’s dad. Emily spies Noel Kahn drinking another martini, and he smiles menacingly at her.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Okay, they’re loud, but you’re at a fucking bar.
Mary is back at Ali’s house, and Jason looks like he wants to murder her for not knowing he didn’t drink. The doorbell rings, and it’s Aria. I’m sure it doesn’t look suspicious at all that Aria’s there, seeing as nobody knows about their history. Sure she’s Ali’s friend, but it would be weird to Ali that Jason would invite her. At the hospital, Spencer casually chats with Yvonne about her assault. Toby comes by to pick his fiancée up, and Spencer warns him to leave Rosewood. Toby thinks this is suspicious, but accepts Spencer’s lame attempt at a lie.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Ali looks so happy to see one of her best friends.
Emily and her mom are still at the worst dinner ever, when they have drinks delivered to them. There’s a note saying it’s from the loud bachelorette party. Emily’s mom heads to the group to thank them. Okay. Back at Ali’s the second worst dinner ever is happening. Ali is pissed that everyone’s against Mary. Mary serves them Beef Wellington, and Jason stares daggers at her. She claims that it was a family recipe and that Jessica kept them apart as soon as they were old enough to remember her. She did see Jason a few years ago. Flashback time: Jessica is refusing to let Jason into the house. Mary pulls back the curtain and looks at him. Jessica and Mary argue about “Charles’s” death. She refuses to tell Mary what happened to “Charles.” Back in the present, Mary’s story seems to have endeared herself to Jason, but Ali finds some details inconsistent.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
When did Mary have time to make fucking Beef Wellington of all things?!
Aria heads over to the hotel to chat with Emily about a secret storm cellar of Jessica’s. She reveals that they have to look into it that night because she’s planning on eloping. She suddenly feels guilty about the idea of her codependent friends not being there. Emily convinces her to go ahead and travel to Europe, as she will never regret not playing amateur detection one time. Meanwhile, Caleb is still working on decrypting the files from Jenna’s lockbox, when Hanna tells him about her broken engagement. They have a tender moment talking about it, but don’t kiss.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Alcohol has truly served its purpose as social lubricant for Emily’s mom.
Toby comes over to Spencer’s and tells her he started to build the house for Spencer, not Yvonne. That is totally useless information at this point, Toby. He says he couldn’t imagine his life without Yvonne, though, so they’re moving to Maine. I’m actually a little surprised that Spencer hasn’t managed to destroy Toby’s relationship.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Spencer realizes she has run out of serious contenders.
The girls head to the mysterious storm cellar, sans Aria. There’s a lovely moment when Emily has to explain what a cellar is to Hanna. Wow, when Emily is making you feel dumb, you know there’s a problem. The cellar is full files, maps, and pictures. They find files investigating all of the Liars, except Aria for some reason. The files also include Mary’s medical records. They find out Jessica authorized the use of electroshock therapy on Mary and that she had another child, who, conveniently would be the same age as the Liars. I’m so tired of these mysterious children popping up out of nowhere in this show. I guess now we know why Noel Kahn is back?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
For someone who kept tabs on everyone, Jessica was pretty shitty at categorizing things and buying file folders. Seriously, MD Records and Mary Medical?
Aria and Ezra are doing the final checks on their luggage, because they are leaving for Italy immediately. Good thing that friend of Ezra’s was able to accommodate them at his Tuscan villa on no notice for this. A door knocks, and it’s the FBI looking for Ezra. They reveal that his ex, Nicole, could be alive. Wow the FBI has convenient timing!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Too late, y’all, she’s 22 now.
Back at the cellar, the girls find the pictures of them. Ali is touched by how her mom continued to look for her even after she was believed dead. Spencer’s car alarm starts going off, and the girls panic. The keys are gone, so the girls shut themselves in to stop the alarm. The doors lock automatically and a countdown starts. The girls believe they are about to blow up, but once the countdown ends, all they get is a message that if they find out who AD is before AD finds out who killed Cece, AD will kill them. Then AD blows up the cellar. While the girls are watching it burn, AD takes the time to write “I see you,” on the trunk window. Hanna sees AD, but can’t tell who it is. Back at AD headquarters, AD has both Aria and Noel Kahn’s files, takes a swig of whisky (implying it’s not Noel Kahn—his drink of choice is a martini), and uses the rest of the whisky to burn down Aria and Noel Kahn’s files. Come on, PLL, no more mystery twins/siblings!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Hanna is never leaving the house again.
The girls all regroup to talk about the updates they found in the cellar, this time with Aria and Caleb. Ali reveals that Noel Kahn pushed some sorority girl down the stairs once. Hanna is feeling very threatened by AD’s message, and fully believes Noel Kahn is responsible. She storms off, nearly getting run over by a car. Caleb pushes her out of the way, getting hit himself. As Hanna looks up, she sees Noel Kahn driving the car. And she wakes up. It was all a dream, of course.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Should have known it was a dream by this point.
Hanna goes over to Caleb’s to check that he’s not dead. They hug awkwardly, then pull away. He reveals that he can’t crack the encryption the files are in, except for Mary’s DNA. Caleb has bought Hanna a new phone for her protection, because that’s a thing people do. Back at Aria’s, she feels super guilty about not telling Ezra about the phone call from Nicole’s number. As she’s yelling at Emily about lying to Ezra, he walks in. She explains the phantom phone call. The authorities found one of the trucks in Nicole’s convoy, but they haven’t actually seen Nicole yet. Emily and Aria leave, but things are tense.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Ohshitohshitohshit.
Emily meets Ali for coffee, and spills the beans about all the awkwardness between Aria and Ezra. Ali announces that she will be returning to teaching. I’m sure the school wants you back after missing, what, a year of actual teaching? Ali explains that she needs money, so she has to work. And everyone knows teachers make bank, so that makes the most sense to go back to, of course. Jason is in Philadelphia with a forensic accountant, trying to get Ali back her money, but she needs some now. I like how she’s desperate for money, but still has enough to go on endless coffee and brunch dates with her friends. Emily sympathizes with Ali being “broke,” as she was also “broke,” once.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
I can tell she must be desperate for cash.
Principal Hackett, who Emily seems to remember, but I don’t, shows up to the café with a gigantic pastry order and says he was just thinking of her. The head swim coach position opened up, and needs the cheapest, least experienced person he could find, which brings him to Emily. As Emily has job offers up to her ears, she says she’ll think about it, rather than “Yes, yes, 1000 times, yes!” Emily’s lady love is excited by the prospect of Emily staying in town.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
You look exactly like the kind of desperate, inexperienced job seeker I’d love to underpay.
Spencer and Aria find the doctor Noel Kahn called, and decide to investigate whether he/she is a completely unethical hack. Meanwhile, Ali is being bullied by her students, who are all dressed in black hoodies. It’s unclear whether this actually happened or it was all in Ali’s head. Either way, she throws up after it. Emily tells her about the coaching job at the high school, and Ali says she would love it if Emily applied. Emily’s phone goes off, and Aria asks if she can spend the night at her place.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Looks like an average classroom full of sullen teenagers to me.
Aria and Spencer look for Dr. Cochran and are surprised to find a younger woman. She reveals that the original Dr. Cochran was her father, but he lost his OBGYN license years ago. That seems totally normal to reveal to random strangers who didn’t even ask. They ask how to get in touch with her dad, and she says she hasn’t spoken to him in years. The young Dr. Cochran asks them if they’re “in trouble,” but Aria doesn’t get it. Back at Ezra’s, Emily is trying to take the blame for the deleting Nicole’s call incident, and she justifies it by saying Aria was worried about losing him. She urges Ezra not to let this change things. He gets a phone call with updates from the FBI. Is it common for the FBI to call people about situations like this? I feel like telling a civilian would be a sure-fire way to fuck up the entire operation.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
It is actually kinda awkward to talk to you this close. You were my student once.
Hanna is moping around, thinking about her kidnapping, when someone knocks at the door. It’s the clairvoyant lady from earlier seasons with crazy blue eyes. She had a special dream involving Hanna, and it left her very unsettled. She says she senses a darkness around Hanna and Caleb. At Spencer’s, Dr. Cochran calls to complain that she had someone ransack her office. The doctor says that since she doesn’t want anyone breaking into her office again, she’s going to give Spencer her dad’s last known address, rather than just throwing them to the cops. She says that if they want him to talk, he will require a bottle of whisky. HINT HINT! Hanna takes the psychic down to the hotel bar. She hints at the AD situation, but the psychic is distracted by the Radley’s anguished spirits. It’s always weird when this show tries to get a little supernatural.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Relax, I’m just here for a social call.
Alison is teaching the kids Shakespeare, and the kids are a little too hip for her. This scene looks a little crazy, because Sasha Pieterse looks not much older than her students. Ali gets called to the principal’s office, and the kids find this hilarious. Back at the Radley, the psychic says that all she knows is that the source of the threat against her and Caleb is very close. Hanna turns to the side and sees Noel Kahn, then breaks a glass to attract him over. Noel Kahn gets all creepy at Hanna, and she has a vision of her kidnapping. And the psychic’s nose starts to bleed. Noel Kahn leaves in disgust.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
I’m actually going to need you to step the fuck away from me.
Ali heads to Principal Hackett’s office, and he asks her if she’s doing okay. Hey, Mr. Principal, maybe the best time to have this heart to heart is after class rather than in the middle of the period? The principal questions whether she’s truly okay after what happened and reassures her that if she needs more time to recover, she can take some. An extra walks in to get a student’s file, and Allison notices that they have all of the student’s files in a convenient spot, including her graduating class.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
The role of a lifetime, girl who opens the filing cabinet.
Hanna meets with the other girls and tells her about the Noel Kahn dream and the psychic’s nosebleed. She feels certain that Noel Kahn is AD. Emily asks how Caleb’s doing with the decryption, and Hanna says that it isn’t going well. She thinks they’re at a dead end. Spencer reveals that she and Aria have an appointment with the older Dr. Cochran.