Sweet Christ on a Cracker, those nutballs known as pageant kids and pageant moms are back on Toddlers & Tiaras! TLC, thank you thank you thank you!
And it’s a Tonya Bailey Pageant, what could be better? Hugs, sister!
This is the Mega Ultimate Grand Supreme Rumble in the Jungle, and there is some serious trash talk between Coach Cambrie and Coach Jaimie. Smack. Down!
Welcome to Coach Cambrie…After Dark. No wonder she gets $175 an hour!
First up is Kallyn, 4 and her mom Megan who seems to love giving us crotch shots as the only accessory her couch is missing is a pair of stirrups. Kallyn cheers us all up by puking on her mother who chooses to catch it versus clean it up off the carpet. So, good luck with that.
Next us is Selyse, 3, not to be confused with Opus Dei’s Cilice, which as we all know, is Brenna. Mom Kim is a chaotic dumbshit who doesn’t even know how to work a Keurig and who refuses to get the hole in her tooth fixed so she can pay for pageants. Well, at least it will match the hole in her head.
Then we have Lilly, 4, and mom Amber, who says they have spent $45,000 on pageants in Lilly’s short life. Which I guess is better than drowning in college loans – ha! Who are we kidding? Pageant girls are the reason women will never get equal pay, so why bother with college anyway? Dad works in an oil field and is only home 1 week a month where I’m sure he’s thrilled to see where he hazard pay goes.
This show never stops giving…seizures!
Cambrie has a showdown with some dumbass mom named Jillian and her daughter Jayliana (okay, now you moms are just making up words, right?) who doesn’t want to wear a bow in her hair like the rest of Cambrie’s team. The mom says that it, “Doesn’t take cheer knowledge to be a beauty queen.” Well, it does take a bow, and Cambrie tells them to GTFO if Jayliana doesn’t wear it…so she’s sidelined over a bow.
Jaimie takes her team to practice outside a mall, because that’s what $50 an hour is going to get you, plus the pleasure of having Selyse criticized in front of strangers. Hey, next time, practice, I don’t care how ripped up your house is…probably from you not cleaning, KIM.
Tonya gives a great interview, including the gem, “Life goes flickin’ on!” and “Am I bugged-eyed?” No worries, honey, my most recent employee photo was the same way, to the point when I used it on LinkedIn my dad compared it to Michelle Bachmann’s crazy eyes and begged me to take it down. Must be the lights! Sure! That’s what it is!
Pageant day includes more trash talk, late girls, wrong music, and mommy meltdowns. I swear if I smoked, I’d be jamming and entire pack into my mouth this was so, so satisfying.
Here we go again!
Again, thank you TLC and the production company/crew that must film this. J’adore the lot of you.
Stay tuned for the full recap and thanks for reading!