MTV – UNNNNNNNNNGH
Can I just be upfront for a second, Trashies? I hate award shows. All of them. They’re stupid, masturbatory affairs where beautiful people write love letters to themselves and titter at the grand, opulent comfort of immeasurable fame. Fuck you, famous people!* Anyway, all this is to say that the Video Music Awards were last night and everyone “lost” “their” “shit” (that’s just a hyperbolic way of saying the kids had a good time). Beyonce looked like an ostrich, and she treated the affair – per usual – as Take Your Daughter to Work Day. We are all very proud of Britney, who looks smokin. And my captivating Hate Muse, the terrifying emu Farrah Abraham was there, dressed in perfectly ridiculous fashion and assaulting unsuspecting passers by with a selfie stick. Never change, Farrah.
*Says the girl who signed up to write TrashTalkCeleb.
E! – You Know Who Also Hates the VMAs?
Zach Johnson over hyeah at E!. Here’s his whiny essay bemoaning the absence of Prince and Bowie tributes. “Did MTV forget about David Bowie and Prince?” asketh he, assuming that MTV or the VMAs have any sort of long-term memory or social grace. Oh, Zach. Sweet boy. You’re asking this of the venue that let Miley Cyrus rape it of all dignity not once but twice. The VMAs are nothing more but a flimsy back alley canvas, perforated by excitable teenagers and multiple hits of MDMA.
People – And Where Was Her Highness Princess Sparkle Splooge?
Taylor Swift was at jury duty, guys. Sah-reeeeeeeeee. I bet she had a blast though. Coughs politely. Sigh.
New York Times – Huma Finally Loses Her Weiner
Top Clinton aide Huma Abedin has split – FINALLY – from her horny goat weed worm of a husband Anthony Weiner following what seems to be the 4,901,789th sexting scandal of his career. (Just kidding. He doesn’t have a career.) Weenie’s latest scandal reportedly began in January 2015 and continued with various random women up until this month. In the series of lewd messages and images, a young toddler makes an appearance. How’s that for gut soothing? Anyway, Weenster wisely deleted his Twitter account today. I personally hope he backs off of all sort of technology short of something like this:
The crotch goes ZIP!
TMZ – Oh My God
Hey remember this guy? This is a 42-year-old man. What an inspiration.
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