Welcome back to another season of Indians baseball Toddlers & Tiaras! This episode features a Rumble in the Jungle in Louisiana, courtesy of Pageant Die-rector and T&T good sport Tonya Bailey, and a showdown between 2 very different pageant coaches.
Delicious!
Coach Cambrie is based in Las Vegas but I’m guessing her ass has its own zip code outside of the city limits. The woman is built! Her girls are called “Cambrie’s Court” and she runs a pretty tight ship with coaching. She tells us she’s been doing pageants since she was 2 years old (so for 25 years…that’s like 50 years in pageant years!) and she’s a glitz baby. She makes $175 and hour and damn, if you can get it, good for you.
That’s how she affords the gold-laden Beyonce body.
She complains she can’t keep a boyfriend because she does pageants too much. Don’t men know how easy pageant girls are to date due to their low-drama, low-maintenance, ability to look glam when waking up in the morning?
Cambrie says she has 200 kids all over the world (thank you Skype!) – that’s $35,000 for one hour with each kid. Let’s assume she Skypes with half of them for a discount and she’s at half of that kind of money…damn! IRS, are you paying attention?
And it looks like the Pageant Empire is about to Strike Back!
Then we meet Jaimie, the $55/hour pageant coach in Arizona who runs Sassy Supremes. She did pageants growing up and we see pictures that make us ask, “Uh, really?” She says Cambrie is the coach to beat. She calls their relationship one of “frenemies,” but Cambrie calls Jaimie a hater because she can’t win. “She’s an overpriced babysitter.” Ouch.
I’m guessing she was in natural pageants?
The two of them talk about “pageant season” much like “tornado season,” and I’m guessing they both have the same impact in terms of devastation and destruction to both property and people.
Kallyn, 4, is blonde-haired, blue-eyed pageant kid who projectile vomits all over her mother and then into her mother’s hands. How is that supposed to work? You catch it and…you are going to have to put it somewhere so does it just drip from your hands while you are running around trying to toss in the toilet and avoiding sympathy vomiting? Also, where was dad after he spun her on that ride at the playground? Nowhere to be found during the aftermath!
The money shot.
Mom Megan provides us with an awesome crotch shot and gets embarrassed when she says that even though her daughter is sick and vomiting like a demon, the plane tickets, hotel and pageant are all paid for, so ill child be-damned, they “don’t have an option” about attending. Except you do, and that’s to take care of your sick child before someone calls CPS.
Time for a schmear! And no, we don’t need any bagels.
Jaimie comes over to coach Kallyn (with a baby in tow, very professional!) to hose Kallyn in brown paint. Jaimie calls Kallyn her firecracker, and the phrase, “Get brown to get a crown” is tossed around. Jaimie does a few quick routines with Kallyn and we can all see why she’s the discount coach – neither one of them is very polished. Using Jaimie twice a week hasn’t really helped, and neither has the $2500 they have dumped into this pageant.
I’m here to change your transmission fluid.
Next up is 3 year old Selyse, which is a Game of Thrones name apparently, so kudos to mom Kim for making sure her daughter’s career is limited to “Renaissance Fair Saucy Wench.” Then Selyse sneezes and it goes everywhere. What is up with these kids and their bodily functions this episode?
Kim admits that Selyse is her “surprise birth-control baby,” which I never buy.
Although…
The sad thing is she has two older kids that she clearly likes much less. She tells us that her husband’s job pays for the bills and then says, “And what I get, pays for the pageants.” What you get from where? Does he have you on an allowance? Because way to waste your money, sister.
Kim mentions that she spends more on pageant dresses than she did her wedding dress, and she has foregone getting a hole in her tooth fixed so they can do pageants. Glass ceiling? Not even scratched. So thanks, Kim.
Selyse is in the Sassy Supremes with Jaimie, mostly because of location. Kim’s friend Sheena stops by and it turns out Sheena switched her kid to Cambrie, so now Kim’s trying to keep up with the Joneses. Kim wants to use one pageant dress and Sheena tells her it’s wrong for a southern pageant. Kim’s pissed because she wishes she would have known about this complete and utter tragedy earlier. Too bad there aren’t pageant websites, pageant forums, or something called the internet where she could research things like this.
ME-OWWW!
Sheena lays down the law. She says Cambrie runs this like a business and Jaimie hasn’t grown up yet and loves a lot of drama. And mediocrity, apparently. And burgers, which is even more apparent.