Welcome to Drag Race All Stars!! I have been on a brief recapping hiatus starring in my new one woman series: True Life, I think I failed the Bar.
To begin with, I have a confession. I love RuPaul, but I have never seen even a second of Drag Race, All Stars or Regulars. So I will be viewing these All Stars with the freshest of eyes and with a more judgmental tone. These are All Stars, after all.
Our first contestant is Katya, a self described lovable Russian hooker. Pause: Where has this show been all my life?
Continuing on:
It’s important to start competitions off on the right foot.
Next we have Detox, who thinks Katya is batshit crazy. Alyssa Edwards is our third contestant. Based on no information besides a possibly clinical obsession with her own reflection, I feel like I have a favorite.
Can’t even get a face forward shot…
Next is Phi Phi, who is coming back for redemption. Girl, aren’t you all?
Next is Ginger:
More sass than a 9 year old cheerleader.
Ginger wants to win it for the heftier gals. I’m pleased to see that the age-old reality competition tropes are followed even in this pink and perfect land.
Roxxy Andrews also wants to represent the chunkier lady, yet no longer seems to be one. I spy a rivalry and possibly some sudden and severe weight gain to combat Ginger.
Coco Montrese enters, apparently making this the 100th person from season 5.
Alaska sweeps in and is in it to win it by virtue of no longer being in a relationship. Nothing like a little shade of blame heaped upon your former lover for your loss.
Tatianna slides in. So far she says “Thank you” like a Kardashian, but like a polite one. So not like a Kardashian at all. Also she is from season 2, which makes her so ancient that they are all surprised that she can walk without a cane.
Practically a fossil.
Fuck you all. Thank you!
Next we have Adore Delano, a messy slut and is from AZUZA. Oh god, if Vanderpump Rules has taught us anything, it is to always be suspicious of messes from Azuza. Her thing is lazy drag.
The ladies view a message from GOD, who threatens an immediate eviction. Dun Dun DUNNN.
Ru walks in to remind them all that though they were losers in the past, they need not be now. Apparently, the game has changed this year. No one will be eliminated and every week the top two will compete for $10,000. Whaaaatt?
The first task is to read the skirts off the other contestants. Maybe it was nerves, but I was not super impressed. Here are the highlights: Abby Miller fat jokes, lame poetry, Alyssa Edwards has an overbite (omg- once you see it, you can’t unsee it), Coco Montrese is orange. Hands in, break, challenge over.
Sums it all up.
Alaska inexplicably wins- for falling on the floor?
There will be a drag race talent show. There is talk of someone performing a cappella, which is deemed to be a giant disaster in the making and exactly what I need to see.
The group is convinced that this is a rouse or worse, a RUse, and someone is going home.
I hope more than anything that it’s a trap. We have some strong inspiration from the gang, who would like to throw down, but also be seen as lovely ladies. Don’t we all? This is my daily struggle, but without the reality edits.
The judges are a lady I’ve never heard of, my king Carson Kressley (Queer Eye was the only show that ever needed to be on television), Raven, and Toddrick Hall. So we have a rag-tag type situation, judging-wise.
Raven will never not look insane.
First up is Adore, who is serving up some Avril Levin everything and sings a song with one lyric. I’m not sure if this is the individual who said her talent is singing and song-writing, but if so, only of those things has a prayer of being true.
Next is Alyssa, whose talent is simply: Variety. AKA she possesses all of the talents and none of them involve biting down evenly.
A star is… an insufficient description because she is EVERYTHING
Her performance quickly and not so smoothly slips into rapping and the splits.
Sidenote: My favorite part about this show is zero transitions. We get a powerpoint slide in between each performance and nothing more, no crazy side bars or side trips that make the episode feel 8 hours long (Looking at you, Project Runway)
Coco Montrese performs and underwhelming dance numbers. It’s like old Hollywood, but at bedtime, when you are very sleepy and maybe forget your choreography. Phi Phi said it better than I could: “We all make choices and that was a CHOICE.” Maybe the eliminations will return for a special case?