Hey everybody! I’m a newbie, and I have to admit…I almost quit when I realized that the MTV Video Music Awards were THREE HOURS! I wanted to slit my wrists about 3 minutes in, but I powered through! You’re welcome.
Okay, so we’re in Madison Square Garden, and lights come up to Rhianna. I’m a fan, so this is a good start. I guess I missed the part that said she’d be “performing” 18 times- we’ll get to that later. So she’s in some pink, corset lace up thing with dancers dressed similarly and a bunch of giant marshmallows in the background. She does some medley of songs, but, seemed to really be phoning it in. She’s like half dancing, half singing. Sometimes not into the microphone. I thought, eh…it was okay. Then they cut to Frankie Grande bouncing around with his glittery face and stupid hair in the audience. Sorry, I’m a Big Brother fan…and I hate him. Anyway, from that point on, I knew it was going to be a long night. Oh God! Here comes Key and Peele. I typically like these two, but, I can’t even deal with this. I HATE when people do characters on awards shows. Remember when Lady Gaga came out dressed as a dude and stayed in character? Ugh. Stab me. Just so you know, they were in every break, but I won’t be mentioning them further because I had to fast forward every time they came on. I mean, isn’t Key in a new movie about IMPROV COMEDY that has like a 100% rating? What happened here?! Jay Pharoah is around and some dj who is wearing sneakers around his neck as a necklace.
All right- on with the show! Puff Daddy comes out to present. Are we back to calling him that? I thought we were still on Diddy. I must be slippin. He’s wearing giant gold medallions and gives the Best Hip Hop Award to Drake…who is stuck in traffic. Hailee Steinfeld says something. Is she talking weird? I would compare it to something, but, I can never remember why I’m supposed to know her. Chance The Rapper comes out looking like a Super Mario Brother that was actually painting…he’s beige from head to toe. He introduces Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj. There are two giant legs with heels and fishnets surrounding the stage, meanwhile, Ariana and a bunch of girls are doing Soul Cycle as she sings. Are we out of ideas people? Nicki comes out, and I just stare at her giant ass. I have no idea what they sang.
Next up, Alicia Keys. She’s looking gorgeous with little to no makeup and cool hair. Then comes the MLK speech. Ya know, I love what he stood for, but you know what I hate? That stand-up, beatnik, spoken word poetry bs. ESPECIALLY when they burst into song and don’t know where to stop! I was going to snap for her but I left the room to get a glass of wine. It was going to be a long night! Oh yeah, then I heard her say that we are all equal. Men. Women. Everyone. Then she announced the best MALE video. I think it was the first time I laughed at this show.
Michael Phelps. Does it seem like his teeth don’t fit in his mouth? Just wondering. There is a big USA chant and he introduces Future. I hear such great things about him. Unfortunately, I’m never impressed. Basically a bunch of his friends have a dance off around him and he sings some unintelligible rap.
If you couldn’t tell from my name…this was the moment I was waiting for…Kanye West. Sorry to people that don’t like him, but, I love this guy! Everyone is chanting “Yeezy!” and he’s loving every minute of it. He talks about his Famous video and even say’s, “I put Ray J in it bro!” I died. He calls out Amber Rose in the audience and mentions that he loves everyone! That’s why HE CALLED Taylor. I was loving it, and so was Kim K. With his grills in, he premieres his new video. I think the song is kinda cool, and the video is this girl with a banging bod dancing around a gym in a thong and barely there tank. At that moment, I pushed away my charcuterie tray and vowed to hit the gym everyday! Or maybe I reheated a burrito from yesterday and poured another glass of vino. Don’t judge. Now, I don’t have any kids yet, but, I was kinda thinking that this was pretty sexy for this show. I mean, their humor is obviously geared to 8-year-olds, so they must be watching. No worries parents! Then they hit the shower, proceeded to bang, and she turned into a cat and there was a bunch of sheep and a baby. Wait. What? I only had one glass of wine…what happened? It’s art people. West for president. LOL