Hey trash bags!
Sorry gang. I’m a little late to the party this week…don’t ask. Ugh, so I didn’t even get to view this masterpiece of a show until last night. I was pretty excited because my hubs said he’d watch it with me. He has never seen it, so I knew I was in for a treat!
Alright, so there are five kid contestants left. They are all back stage and about to get their challenge. I’m taking a quick note of what’s going down when I hear, “Take it easy Missy Elliot.” What the? Oh, my dude was gracing me with his one and only comment on the show. I looked up and realized he was speaking of Tyra. Yes, I chuckled and I took note. Within the next 30 seconds, he had ordered a pizza and gone in the other room to watch Thursday Night Football. I guess he’s not a fan.
Okay, so their challenge is to think on their feet, because that’s what they’ll have to do on Food Network (or the website they may or may not be on.) They get some mystery food and have to talk about it for sixty seconds. Tyra is “curvous.” That’s curious and nervous to all you laypeople.
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STAB ME
Liam, our friend in the dumb hats, get oysters. He proceeds to scream, “YAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS Girl!” Alright, maybe I added the girl. He’s going to be great at this because he LOVES food, it’s his favorite thing, he lives for it! Don’t we all live for it? He tells us most kids hate oysters, but he loves them! He likes to pair them with pickled cucumbers. Wait, I’m confused. Aren’t cucumbers pickled pickles? Oh, wait, I think it’s the other way around. Whatever. Or he enjoys pairing them with foam. Huh? Isn’t that birth control? Possibly paired with the sponge? Hey…I watched Seinfeld people! Tia is impressed, and I’m bored.
Next up is my girl Lexi. Yes, I have my favorites- don’t judge. They say she’s too soft spoken and needs to project more. Don’t worry guys, she’s gonna use the MEGA MIC! She get’s stilton cheese. I have no idea what this is (as usual) but she is a total pro, and nails it! It’s kinda like blue cheese, and I’m down to buy it next time I’m at Trader Joes (not really.) Tia thinks she’s great, but has one point to make…she needs to project more. Okay, now I’m pissed. She has a f-ing microphone on! What does she want her to do? Scream like she’s in the diary room on Big Brother!? So lame. I officially hate Tia…but I love Tamera…wherever she is.
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BACK OFF BITCH!
Moving on. Next up is Isaiah. He needs to taaaallllk slooooow. He kinda reminds me of Shaq. He’s adorable, kinda funny, very good at what he’s doing…but a little monotone. He gets kimchi. Apparently he likes the stuff, and does a great job. Okay, now, I watched the adult version for the first time this season. If memory serves, someone got kimchi and lost their shizz! Maybe they should just put these kids on the actual network. They are far more talented.
Tyra is next. She has timing issues and is always late (insert joke here). She is praying for nothing nasty, so she get’s anchovies. She has never had them and pulls a total Jan Brady when she sees them. Umm…are you going to speak girl? She FINALLY takes a bite and proceeds to dry heave for the rest of her time. She sucked. Peace out lady! Sorry, I was distracted by her hideous florescent green peace sign tee. I am aware that was bitchy. Especially from someone who grew up in the eighties. YIKES!
UGH. It’s Amber. I give this girl a ton of crap…but it’s only because I wish I was her. God! I deprived myself of an ice cream cone as a kid because I didn’t want to go order it myself! That’s a true story, ask my mom. And this chick will probably be running the country in a few years! I’m with her! She get’s liverwurst. My dad would probably eat that whole log plain, but, I’m with her…barf. Of course, she’s a total pro and is amazing and confident. You know what guys? I take it back. Why am I selling my childhood self short? I’d be great at this! Liverwurst? Duh…you pair it with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Hang on while I send in my application to Master and/or Top Chef.
I’m back.
So now they all get ANOTHER mystery ingredient. Will it ever end?! They have 5 minutes to cook using it, and then they will be judged on: taste, appearance, how it was featured, and their 30 second demonstration. Here’s what they get: