Remember the screaming white trash from last week’s Toddlers & Tiaras? Well, we open with that and it’s exhausting. So let’s get to the goddamn crowning and P.S. SPOILER ALERTS coming your way.
Selyse wins Division Queen which Jaimie and her team snicker about because it’s a suckfest prize. Kim head-bobbles but says they will do better switching to Cambrie. Special needs Harlie wins princess which is an even worse title, but you know…confidence!
Cambrie’s girls start chanting, “Cambrie’s Court! Cambrie’s Court!” and Jaimie starts with, “If you’re sassy and you know it clap your hands!” And I need some migraine meds stat. Keee-rist am I glad I don’t have kids.
Glitz Mini Grand Supreme…Fugly Cadence! Amy is super disappointed and has to leave the room. But Cadence has no freakin’ clue what is going so maybe we ought to all calm the hell down. 
Still fugly and not a miracle at all.
While the Sassy team is talking, Piper tells one of the girls that she has to wait all the way until the end of the pageant for her crown, meaning she is going to super-ultimate-mega-grand-with-everything-pizza supreme, and Katie and Jaimie laugh. They laugh much less when that fat little ginger tot wins “Beauty Turquoise Supreme,” which WTF is that anyway? Piper cries when interviewed and Katie is pissed. Probably more so because she just lost to Beyotch Becky, hahahaha! Karma is a bigger bitch than the both of you put together!
Kaylee wins Pink Diamond Supreme which is for novices, so it’s the wrong title for her, and Becky is pissed. Grand Diamond Supreme is Caitlyn, so she gets to keep her toys and Cheris gets to unclench. The best part is that Ultimate Diamond Supreme Meatlovers with extra sauce and cheese goes to the kid who dumped Sassy Supremes for Cambrie’s Court – Riley, aka Sheena of the Jungle’s daughter. HAHAHA! Awesome. Jaimie and Katie are pissed.
Katie, in fact, is super bitch about it, saying if Piper hadn’t tripped, she would have won. Yes, if your kid didn’t suck, she would have won. We get it. She claims everyone is scared of Piper. Only if they stand in her shadow.
So now we move to Cambrie’s hometown, Las Vegas, where they are up against the weirdest coaches of a group called Top Models. Based out of Tennessee, coach Amanda and “talent coach” and resident day of the dead nutbag Nisa talk over each other with that dipshit twang only Appalachia can provide.
Really hard to take you seriously, Walking Dead.
Amanda says that her style really “changed glitz pageants” and Nisa just carries around some kind of furry animal while stylin’ in dirty sweats and those freakin’ dark glasses she won’t take off, even indoors. Although at one point we see with them off, and I think she’s just trying to hide some fugly botox accident…put them back on! PUT THEM BACK ON! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
You are getting very sleepy…now take a nap so mommy can get some ME time with Jim Beam!
Although Cambrie admits the Top Models group is better competition than the baby-sat Gemstars, she says Amanda is only in it for the money and to make sure her daughter Landree wins. Because two Es at the end of any woman’s name immediately spells success.
Amanda and Nisa only talk over each other like one brain for two lovers, and honestly Nisa just sounds like a coked-out dipshit most of the time. I don’t think I’d let my kid near her, I don’t care how tightly pulled back her eyebrows seem to be.
And WTF is that? Cat? Dog? Russian hat? Vintage muff? What is left after her bikini wax?
Amanda Skypes with a girl named Addison on how to do a back handflip, and I’m pretty sure she’s the one that takes the back handflip nose-dive into the stage per the T&T preview clips at the beginning of the season. Score for us! Amanda calls Addison “exotic” which I think is code for “not completely white.”
And remember this?
We also get treated to more of Jayliana, but mostly her inebriated (I’m hoping that’s the problem) Bowhead Mom Debra, who is skanky, trashy and someone you just know the other moms avoid at all costs. She said they took time off from pageanting but she came back because she was “bored and needed some mama drama.” Anyone else taking bets on when her husband left her?
Hiccup.
Drama at the pageant ensues when makeup artist Mykel is booked for Cambrie’s girls but also a couple of Top Models…and backs out on the Top Models. The moms run around saying it’s a tragedy of utmost proportions. Because all of them really need to visit a 3rd world for about 20 minutes.
I’m not wrong, here, people. But something is.
Next week? A mom punches another mom? About damn time. Still…let’s think of the children.
They aren’t wishbones, bitches!