Well it’s finally here – the end of Big Brother. Jewpacabra is covering the season premiere of Survivor, and so I have the honor of covering the thrilling conclusion of Biiiiiig Brooootherrrrrrrrr (rrrrrrrrr)! Stay tuned (or skip forward to the end) for a special message from Jewps.
Even though I am typing this Thursday morning, I still have no idea who won yet – I opted to watch American Horror Story for some reason, and don’t have DVR. But enough about my questionable television choices, let’s dive in together and find out: who will win $500,000, who will win America’s Favorite, how annoying will Paul be, and will Da’Vonne punch Paulie in the face (please please please).
PLEASE
The show begins by revisiting the whole past season, and it was legitimately startling to see Tiffany and Frank – it feels like three years ago I watched that part of the show. After that, Julie brings us back to the HOH contest already in progress; one of her eyes is completely closed during her opening monologue in what may be a unreasonably long wink or a malfunctioning circuit, who knows.
System updating: please do not unplug Chenbot
The HOH contest finds our final 3 dressed in what are supposed to be cat suits but really look more like squirrel outfits for the first part of the three part comp. They’re chasing a laser pointer to various stations – sprinting through milk, getting sprayed with various liquids, and running through kitty litter before clinging to a rope on one wall or buttons on a giant couch.
Nicole drops first after humble bragging about having to hold up “all 100 pounds” of her weight on the rope, and then James flops to the ground literally seconds later. Paul wins round one, and I get a sinking feeling that he could win this thing. Please no.
Use friendship you must
Part 2 of the HOH comp is set up like an amusement park with a roller coaster in the backyard. Nicole hopes it’s something to do with being smart because she’s pretty smart. Okaaaaaay. She’s in luck (maybe) since it IS in fact a mental challenge. There are various clues like “never a have not”, and each player must pick which three house guests fit the clue, put their pictures in the roller coaster, and then take a picture of the roller coaster car at the right time to have it centered in the frame. Oh yeah, and also run through a maze of gates that I guess it’s stipulated they can’t just jump over since Nicole (and James) never even tries that.
Nicole’s first attempt is right on as far as house guests are concerned, but the picture is slightly off center. After that first misstep the rest go smoothly. Boo. After Nicole completes the comp, it’s James’ turn, and he is SO. SLOW. He reads the clues slow, he “runs” slow, and his first attempt at a picture is first completely out of frame as well as wrong. Ugh. Eventually he gets the answers right but he’s just shuffling through the course muttering about eating too many hotdogs.
Eye of the tiger
Finally he’s done and it’s time to see who finished the fastest. James finished in 19 minutes and 6 seconds, and I guess Nicole really is smart because HOLY SHIT she completed it in just 7 minutes and 24 seconds. James you suuuuuuuuck. Since Paul has made a Final 2 alliance with both Nicole and James he doesn’t really care who won. James says, “Nicole you smoked me like a cigarette”, so at least with that and his “son of a biscuit eater” earlier he hasn’t lost his quaint sayings skills – that’s gotta count for something, right? Hmmm.
Okay, on to jury – woo woo! The moderator this evening is Dr. Will Kirby, winner of season 2. I haven’t seen that season, but I did watch some highlights and follow him on Twitter so I feel like I totally get it, guys.
Although at first I thought his name was Will Furby
The jury members are debating who the 8th member of the jury will be, and most people want it to be Nicole but we know it’s Corey – whose mama may or may not have raised no bitch. Corey comes in gets reunited with his BFF/Bromance/Shomance Paulie.
I missed your musk
After Corey gives them the rundown of his eviction, they get down to discussing the merits of the final 3, starting with James. Everyone thinks James was safe and boring, but Michelle thinks maybe that was his strategy the whole time. Corey waves his finger around and accuses James of just following Natalie blindly, and Natalie thinks (of course) that James should win because he’s James. Overall, the jury think he’s coasted through and shouldn’t win.