TMZ – Brad Pitt Fights for Kids No One Loves Anymore Because That’s What Divorce Means
I don’t know if you heard, but Brangelina, a powerful, megalomaniac energy force that supplies power for half the Los Angeles grid, is dissolving. Kaputz! Bye bye! Spanks for the mammaries! Reason being that Brad Pitt is sort of a nightmare dad that treats child abuse like in-flight entertainment. Brad’s trying to dispel that rumor, though, by putting up a hefty custody battle to wrest half of his kids’ time back in his control. Oh Brad, why not go the obvious route and just move into a dilapidated apartment and start dressing like an old lady and interview with Angelina and take up working as the new nanny? Your face would look so good covered in coconut cream. Besides, they’re your goddamn kids too.
TMZ – Speaking of Club CPS
Whiny dick muncher Chris Brown is now a card carrying member, but hey, water’s wet. What else is new. Don’t forget to head to TMZ to stay up to date on all the assholes getting on the Beat Kids beat.
D-Listed – Suh-suh-suh-suh-prise Surp-p-p-p-p-prise (That’s My Hugh Grant Impression)
Slowly melting British stereotype Hugh Grant says he just lllloves filming them sexy sexy sex scenes. He’s horny baby, YEAH! What’s not to love anyway? Getting naked for a bunch of strangers, rubbing your mechanically stowed nether regions against someone else’s in the vein of achieving orgasm, moaning and groaning in the direction of a big black camera rig? I mean, it all spells instant splooge. Hugh’s a pro at it, especially the part where he throws a stack of money at his costar from the front seat of his car and speeds away hoping the cops didn’t notice. Thanks for the nut, bitch! 
Just Jared – Famous Hat Expecting Second Child
HAT, the famous recording artist formerly known as Pharrell Williams, is expecting a second tiny little hat with wife Helen Lasichanh. Helen is 36; HAT is … Jesus Christ, 43? This is how a 43-year-old man dresses? Like a greeter from the MGM Studios section of Walt Disney World circa 1993? Get your shit together, HAT, you’re a father now.
Celebitchy – Ugh More Baby Drivel
God damn, the set of The Voice must be loaded with pungent, Axe-dripping pheromones because another one of its jumpy, shouty hosts just had a baby. Congratulations to sex robot Adam Levine and wife Behati Prinsloo (that’s fun to say!) who welcomed their first child – a baby girl. So what did they name the new pink little poop factory? Dusty Rose. DUSTY ROSE. God, the kid sounds like a motif for grandma’s hospice suite. Why not just name her Musty Attic? Celebrities, listen, I get it. You have more money than God so you can do whatever the ding dong diddlyfuck you want. But please, remember that the pour soul you decide to name after an appliance/fruit/weed/stripper needs to grow up and sign documents with that joke of a name. Have some maturity about this, will you?
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