This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras pretty much skirts over the titles won by the girls – titles we’ve been waiting on for like 3 episodes – so let’s review:
Have you considered some concealer around your eyes, or is raccoon what you were going for?
Selyse wins Division Queen which is first loser, which ironically should go directly to Kim. Special needs Harlie wins princess which is an even worse, but as long as Katie is putting her daughter into an activity she hates to increase confidence based on judging her by her looks, we’re good.
This is just so damn sad.
Fugly brat Cadence disappoints her “proud” parents by winning Glitz Mini Grand Supreme.
Oh, joy.
Amy is so upset she leaves the room! Seriously, if these moms put half the effort into cleaning up themselves as they do into making their kids win superficial trophies, maybe they wouldn’t be such wilting flowers when things don’t go their way.
Tragedy that my miracle is so wretched.
The best part for me was Piper trash-talking other girls and pretty much saying she’s going to sweep these awards. She says her award always comes at the end, translation: I’m winning the top award so in your face, and the sad thing is she’s getting this from her mother who is also convinced her ginger snowflake can do no wrong.
Instead, Piper wins something called “Beauty Turquoise Supreme,” which, who the hell comes up with these titles, a Dead Head on acid? Katie is super-pissed and says if Piper hadn’t tripped (twice, I might add) on her Carmen-Miranda style dress, she would have won. I don’t know, her Poison Ivy routine was pretty sloppy.
Wow, guess you shouldn’t have counted all those marshmallow chicks until they hatched. Enjoy with a side of humble pie and crow. And a future of morbid obesity if you continue to eat your feelings.
I think Katie is more pissed about Becky’s daughter placing higher than hers. Oh, and about being called a whore by Becky’s husband, but he probably knows what he’s talking about.
This is America, people.
Then it’s Becky’s turn to get pissed as her non-novice daughter Kaylee wins Pink Diamond Supreme which is for novices. This follows Cheris’s complaint that Gemstars gives out wrong titles a lot, #firstworldproblems.
In your face, mom!
Grand Diamond Supreme is Caitlyn, so apparently nobody else in the free world noticed her routine mix-ups, but secretly Cheris continues to be horrified in her celebration. Then the defector from the Sassy Supremes to Cambrie’s Court, Riley, daughter of Sheena, wins the Ultimate Diamond Supreme, which is the top prize of the pageant amen. Needless to say, Jaimie and Katie are pissed because the truth hurts when it is thrown back into your face with rhinestones and glitter. Oh, and with solid routines and practice.
Post-pageant, Cambrie tells her team that she’s been watching the pageant footage much like a football coach because as we all know, pageants are a sport in no way, shape or form. Although the team continues to improve, she feels like at certain points they drop their focus and they are going to fix that.
Cambrie interviews that this weekend is the Supreme Me pageant in her hometown of Las Vegas, and the Top Models group they will be competing against is more on the Cambrie’s Court level. She admits they have some good pageant girls on the team, and she knows her team’s moms are nervous about stepping things up from the Gemstars cluster.
Based out of Tennessee but claiming “international” presence (UK, Puerto Rico), the Top Models coaches we see are the reasonably pleasant Amanda and the oddball from Hell Nisa, the “talent coach,” who seems to spend most of her time channeling Greta Garbo and acting important.
Get ouuuuut.
Amanda has 12 coaches under her and says what makes her team so great is they work together (like a…team?) and that it takes a village to make a winner. Nisa breathlessly says, “But I’m like second in line to you, right?” Amanda laughs because, you know…awkward, and says, “I love all my coaches.”
Amanda goes off on some kind of self-centered soliloquy about how when she was in pageants, more than 40 pounds ago, she says she was known for the “talent” that she had, thatswhatshesaid. She incorporated a lot of dancing into her modeling (which…what?). “I think I helped change glitz pageants,” she says, “making pageants more interesting.” Which is why none of us ever watching this show have ever heard of her – she’s just that important to glitz pageants!
We hear Nisa scream at a girl who is practicing onstage, “Focus so you don’t look like a deer caught in headlights!” It’s that kind of coaching that costs money, people.
I bet that’s blood in the can.
Nisa interviews she’s been dancing since she was four and has worked professionally – as what, we can only guess. She claims she can turn pageant girls into contortionists, which again, is pure scholarship talent.
Useful skill.
She says the girls in pageants need to “have more depth” than just a pretty face in pageants. Which is why all pageants have the category, “More Depth” which comes right after “Beauty” and before, “Beauty Talent.” But not to be confused with “Glitz Beauty” or “Glama-rama-ding-dong-are-you-pretty” category. Personally I’d be more impressed with a “Long Division” category, but you’d definitely need tutors for that since most of these pageant moms can’t even understand how to add up wasted money.