Hi, Trashies. Like me, did you forget what even happened on last week’s episode? Seriously, ABC picked the franchise’s most boring couple to have their own show. Granted, I’m sure that explains all the ridiculously forced drama making us think that there was a chance that Ben and JoJo aren’t both 100% over one another. Anyway, let’s get to the episode. We pick up right where we left off. Lauren and Ben are about to meet JoJo and Jordan for lunch.
Why did they order before JoJo and Jordan got there? That was rude.
I wonder if this was filmed before “After the Final Rose.” The restaurant is completely empty. Anyway, Jordan and JoJo arrive and there is lots of hugging and Ben proposes a toast. That’s when the awkward silence kicks in. It’s broken by JoJo asking Ben, “Were you annoyed with how much I kept talking about you this season?” I imagine the answer is yes because literally everyone else in the world was annoyed by it. That just leads into some general discussion about the show.
Jordan’s hair was the fifth wheel on this date.
Then there’s a discussion about the couples farting in front of one another. Apparently, a single lunch is all that Lauren needed to completely get over the whole “Ben said ‘I love you’ to JoJo” thing. That was quick. After lunch, there’s a totally not staged paparazzi segment.
This show has like zero structure. We go from the whole JoJo lunch thing to Lauren trying to play a prank on Ben. Oh, and then a date card arrives. Are you fucking kidding me? We’re like seven minutes into this episode and I already know there’s not nearly enough wine in my fridge for all these shenanigans.
Shouldn’t Chris Harrison be drinking mimosas in a robe somewhere?
Ben asks why Chris Harrison didn’t just text them and Lauren says that he’s an old soul and doesn’t want to conform to modern forms of communication. Lauren really isn’t all that smart is she? Anyway, Ben thinks that Chris might be in town to ask them to do Dancing with the Stars. Why the hell would Chris Harrison – who has absolutely nothing to do with that show – be asking them to appear on it? Ben is somehow dumber than Lauren.
Lauren and Ben meet with Chris and all his pastries and tea. Ben thinks “scrumpet” is a word and he proves my statement in the paragraph above. Anyway, this meeting is just about ABC wanting to televise Ben and Lauren’s wedding. Why are they so shocked? Nearly every Bachelor/ette couple (sorry, Des and Chris…congrats on the baby though!) who lasts long enough gets a televised wedding.
Just eat another “scrumpet,” Ben.
Ben is worried that the huge production won’t feel like a real wedding, but Chris assures him that they are all just fine. I’m sure that Lauren loves sitting next to Ben as he says he’s not sure if he’s ready to get married right now. They come to no conclusions, so Chris Harrison says that he has to get back to drinking mimosas (he really says that!) and that Ben and Lauren should just let him know. Of course, Lauren is sad that Ben just doesn’t say he wants to marry her.
Later, Ben gets to go hang out with the Denver Broncos and he decides to ask them for advice about the wedding for some reason. While that’s going on, Lauren is talking to her sister Molly. They both just give a recap of their discussion with Chris Harrison. The football players give no advice, and Molly tells Lauren she has to, you know, actually talk to her fiance. The conversation ends with Ben deciding to show Lauren his guilty pleasure that she doesn’t know about.
Who are you and why are you giving out relationship advice?
When they both get home, Lauren reads her script and asks Ben if there’s anything she doesn’t know about him. He says there’s one big thing and it’s…that he loves the Renaissance festival. Really? That’s it?
Shocking.
Simply, Ben likes being weird, so they’re going to the festival and make up a super white rap on the way. Why is Lauren so weirded out by this? Renaissance fairs have been a thing since, like, always. I don’t for an instant believe that Lauren had no idea this was going to be a thing. There was an outfit perfectly fitted to her just waiting for her arrival.
And it perfectly matches Ben’s.
Oh, and some performers point them out, they throw tomatoes, eat turkey legs, and take a selfie with a guy dressed in leather and chains.
Later, Lauren makes a video and to tell us that she’s going to have the Colorado Rockies call Ben to tell him that he’s singing the national anthem at the game where he’s already throwing out the first pitch. Once again, I’m not convinced Ben wasn’t in on this. Who puts people on speaker phone all the time? Anyway, he agrees to do it, but…doesn’t know all the words to the “Star Spangled Banner.” Wasn’t he trying to run for office not too long ago? What an American. Yeah, so we have to listen to Ben sing for a little while. This about sums it up: