TMZ – Here’s James Carville Franco Channeling a Himalayan Tahr
Insatiable leach (I mean paparazzo, but really, what’s the difference) is suing Seth Rogen’s wife James Franco for “headbutting” him at a Lana Del Rey concert two years ago. God bless the poor, underworked judge that has to hear this case. And god bless James Franco, our darling, squeaky little cue ball.
Huffington Post – I’m So Tired. I’m So, So Tired.
Following the third and final “presidential” “debate”, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump – a 70-year-old teenager with a bad attitude and a sticky stash of Penthouses he’s hiding in the crawl space – attended the Al Smith benefit dinner in Manhattan. As is TRAH-dishuhn, Hillary and Donald “roasted” each other. Or more to the point, Hillary stood up and delivered polite, vanilla jokes written by some late night wannabe while Donald gripped a podium and gusted out unfunny, offensive insults that he wished he had the competency to come up with himself. Instead, he had to read them from cue cards, which really is a herculean task for this snarling churl. Hey, I’m proud of you two!
Just Jared – Two Svelte Aliens Expecting a Larva
Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter, highly intelligent and non-aggressive ambassadors from Galaxy 21B, announced that a small embryonic life form is taking shape in Sophie’s fructiferous vessel. Congrats y’guize! Oh sorry – allow me to translate: gleep glop glorp gloop buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzDEAFENINGSCREACH.
People – Remember These Garbage Trucks Barreling Down The Jersey Turnpike?
Their names are Amber and Jim Marchese and they are professional reality show poachers. And Amber has cancer. Cancer cancer. Cancer cancer in the cancer. We cancer cancer because the cancer cancered. Look at all the cancery cancer cancering in the cancer. I’d like a plate of cancer with a steaming side of cancer. Wash it down with some refreshing cancer. Four cancer and seven cancers ago our cancer brought forth on this continent a new cancer, conceived in cancer, and dedicated to the proposition that all cancers are created cancer.
Cancer! 
Jezebel – Zaym, Lady Gaga!
Lady Gaga, your annoying older cousin who is attending ART SCHOOL and learning how to PRACTICE her CRAFT, just read Madonna to fucking filth, y’all:
Madonna and I are very different, I wouldn’t make that comparison at all. I don’t mean to disrespect Madonna. She’s a nice lady and she’s had a fantastic huge career. She’s the biggest pop star of all time, but I play a lot of instruments…I write all my own music. I spend hours and hours a day in the studio. I’m a producer, I’m a writer. What I do is different. I’m not just rehearsing over and over again to put on a show.
I guess “rehearsing” is a little different than rooting through the garbage and picking out the wackiest pieces to fashion into dresses and shoes and fancy little hats, but Lady Gaga, my dear. Putting on a show you are.
Have a great weekend, little monsters!
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