Calling this episode “The Goat Poop Incident,” Toddlers & Tiaras brings us back to the final portion of the Me & My Pet Pageant.
And this is how she looked at the BEGINNING of the pageant, poor woman.
As you may remember, Klassless Kelly won’t clean up her goat’s poop but encourages other moms to “knock themselves out” doing just that. I bet her house is a hot mess. Husband Ron disappoints in that he completely supports his wife’s craziness…long way to go for that beard, Ron.
Get the Dyson!
Bowhead Deb steps in something and now her socks are wet or whatever, but she makes it the drama of the day. God is she loud. Marcy is horrified because people are walking barefoot and babies are crawling around. Elicia, Hallee’s mom, is like, clean up your shit, beyotch. But first, talent!
Pull my finger or clean up the goat shit, your choice!
Hallee is up first doing a walk-like-an-Egyptian dance with her dog, while Kelly trash-talks the other pageant moms to Gia. Gia looks like she’s just embarrassed to be related to this heifer. We hear ya, sister. Then Kelly tells the pageant workers she’ll give them $50 if they turn Hallee’s music RIGHT NOW. I know she’s joking, but doesn’t really help her case.
And Bowhead Deb’s rocket boobs know it!
Gia gets onstage with her pig which is named Kim Kardashian (heh), and is her “pageant baby” while she herself is a “pageant mom.” Kelly describes her costume as a woman who is in her pajamas and hasn’t showered in over a week, so although accurate, nice compliment to pageant moms. Unfortunately, I don’t think her talent came across very well because Gia’s entire routine is to stand onstage while shaking the pig. Seriously, there was NO ROUTINE. Kelly thought she was awesome. So she’s a sucky housekeeper AND a sucky coach.
Which one is the talented one?
Jessica disappointed me in saying she thought it was hilarious even if the other judges couldn’t figure it out. She says she knows what Kelly was going for and “that’s one mama you don’t want to mess with.” Then we see footage of Kelly dropping the pig out of the baby stroller onto the floor. They must be friends because NOBODY thought that was good.
Son of a bitch!
Aly is headed up to the stage with her new goat Blackberry, and her entire routine involves the goat eating the plants onstage while Aly tries to feed it a bottle. There is no dancing, no routine, nothing, then she pretends to drink from a root beer…which…what? Cambrie says she has a cute personality onstage but that her technique needs a lot of work. In that she has none!
The bottle isn’t open, dumbass.
Someone from the hotel staff goes to Ron and tells him about the goat poop. Ron says it was from a rabbit. Elicia interviews that it was goat crap and they need to pick it up. This should end well.
Look, lady, Ron knows his shit. Literally.
Ron even points out how small the poop is, and says that goats poop bigger. The hotel woman really doesn’t care so she says she’ll help clean.
Marcy sets up Kailia’s contortionist hoop and says that Kailia is both Tarzan and Jane…first she is Jane but tears off her clothes “like a stripper” and becomes Tarzan. I know, I’m confused too. Where does the parrot come into this?
Other than for all these people to guess who is getting shit on first.
Oh, it sits on top of her contortionist contraption. And that’s it.
But Kailia will be the most popular girl in high school, trust me.
However, she does a great job with her routine, that kid is like a pretzel, but the judges don’t understand what the idea was with the parrot that she had absolutely NO interaction with. I think the bigger feat is that Marcy didn’t stroke out during the event.
She will not have a bowel movement for 2 weeks after this pageant.
“Kailia’s pet was absolutely breathtaking,” Jessica says…completely joking. Sad music of wah-wah plays. She says she has no clue why she used a parrot when she could have used a rabbit like everyone else in the free world brought today. So maybe it WAS rabbit poop on the floor, given the odds?
Thrilled!
Unfortunately, the hotel staff ends up taking care of the goat shit by themselves, because HELLO, they are responsible and they need to make sure the hotel stays clean. So thanks, Kelly. Hope Ron’s boyfriend is thinner than you. Cambrie’s moms are apologizing to the staff as Kelly walks in and gets the stinkeye from everyone. But she’s probably used to that what with all the goat shit that must be around her constantly.
I ain’t too bright.
Some mom from Cambrie’s Court gets Kelly’s attention and points out that Kelly should be ashamed of herself for making the hotel staff clean up after her goat. Kelly once again claims it wasn’t her pet that did it and Marcy is like, WTF? Kelly, being the Klass Act that she is, asks them if they want her to bring in rabbit and goat poop in so they can compare… “You guys can taste them and tell the difference!” How does she know how different goat and rabbit poop taste? Those aren’t raisins, Kelly!
And I hope the production crew is getting time and a half for this, although microphone guy’s smile indicates witnessing pageant moms fighting is payment enough.
The mom asks Kelly if she didn’t feel bad making the hotel staff clean. Kelly says THE STUPIDEST thing (no surprise, I guess) and says, “I didn’t say I didn’t feel bad. It’s just not my problem.” Everyone shake their head in unison, I know I did. The goat Ron is holding poops on him so he’s got a perfect specimen to show the lady.