This week it’s the Universal Royalty pageant in Texas episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Ah Texas! With your mesquite, cowboy hats, Baylor rape cover ups, death penalty and Friday Night Lights, is there anything you can’t do?
This brings back Jaimie and the Sassy Supremes who have been practicing, which is probably a nice change of pace, but they are only taking one kid. And it’s the one who doesn’t seem to have made it to practice.
Does this have any alcohol in it?
Deb is drunk again. Or maybe she’s just never sober? Coach Cambrie takes girls to spa and what a freakin’ waste. She sprays her own version of collagen spray on everyone except Deb who confuses collagen spray and bathtub gin.
Jesus is Cambrie using battery acid as spray?
We meet ANOTHER Kaydence a.k.a. “Tornado,” who loves hunting and fishing, particularly in a boat parked in her backyard. She likes fishing better than pageants, saying she does pageants because her mommy “wants her to” and “needs her to.” Mom Autumn (oh for fuck’s sake) tries to talk her daughter into loving both fishing and pageants (that they can do together). They are Sassy Supremes.
Mehayle and her mom Sharilynne, and they compare her to Eden Woods. She says they are the most hated family on the pageant circuit right now. Well, they are the most hated family on my TV right now. Mom’s cigarette-raspy twang is aggravating to the point where I’m searching for my closed-captioning button, and if I didn’t need reading glasses now, I’d be watching in silence. Also, mom says her daughter is going to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader in a few years. Dream big.
Nikki Nicole is her coach because she was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and she’s now a makeup artist and wife-in-waiting when some dumbass ballplayer shows up.
Seriously, he could even be from Baylor.
Finally Abby and her mother Christie are the Richie Rich family of the episode and now THEY are the most hated family on my TV. My TV is a very fickle object. She has everything custom made and usually spends $16,000-17,000 per pageant. She’s coached by Cambrie, because yeah, $175/hour. Also, they fly in a private jet and I want to punch every single one of them. But it’s a prop plane, so maybe they’ll just plunge to their deaths. Happy endings aren’t just for Disney, you know.
Pageant Die-Rector Annette is EN FUEGO and tells us we are going to see “Cray-cray craaazzzzzaaaay.” J’adore her! She tells us this pageant is so glitzy the girls are pooping glitter. Okay, she wasn’t that detailed.
Guess what? Celebrity guest! Wonder who it will be (please be Eden Wood, please be Eden Wood!).
OMG OMG OMG It’s Mickey Wood as one of the judges! Sharilynne calls her a role model and almost goes apoplectic when she sees her. You know what that means! Eden Woods is IN DA HOUSE!
‘amember us?
Sharilynn implodes and explodes at the same time.
Sharilynne needs to manage her dreams a little better.
Pageant is super-glitz glam and Cambrie dresses like a Star Trek escort. Hey, if I had melons like that, I would show them off too.
Sharilynne is upset because of her daughter’s Krispy Kreme donut hair so she decides to pass out and now we need an ambulance. What I need is not more cowbell, but MORE EDEN! And OMFG, what about Ni-Ni? Where is the Mac Attack?