Good Christ alive, this episode was boring. Okay, yes, there were a few good moments at the end of the show, but frankly, given that this episode was sandwiched between The Cabo Meltdowns and next week’s “SLAP,” it just didn’t measure up. Next! Next, I say! Oh, and I could give two shits about Scheana’s staged proposal. Sorry, love to you both, but that was thirty minutes that could have EASILY been ten. We open in the dusty rose paradise that is Lisa’s home, a faint trace of doggy farts permeating the afternoon breeze. Pandora comes to visit bringing a really ugly cushion bearing Jiggy’s likeness. Lisa and Pandora fawn over the cushion, then fawn over the dog ON the cushion, and Jiggy attempts to look as alive as he possibly can – not very, in case you’re wondering. I wonder if he suffers from an anti-aging disease like that girl in “The Orphan.” I wonder if he’s 40 and vengeful…Anywho, the cushion was basically a lame bribe in an effort to convince Lisa to allow Shay to propose to Scheana at Villa Rosa. At first Lisa pretends to balk at the idea (if Scheana wants to get engaged there, then EVERYONE will want to get engaged there). Then she predictably caves, and Pandora gleefully runs off to set up a fake photo shoot that will serve as the stage for Scheana’s dream proposal. Pandora needs to have a baby, like, yesterday because she is clearly bored to tears with every other aspect of her life. We hit the pavement and head down to Sur, where Katie and Stassi are back at work after Cabo enjoying a nasty vacation hangover. Katie’s the only one whose heard from Kristen at this point, and things haven’t changed much since last week. Kristen’s still pissed at Stassi and Katie (because they basically took a blow torch to her life for no frigging reason), and she still hasn’t broken up with Tom. Surprise, surpise. Katie and Stassi snark that they’ve lost all respect for Kristen and are just about finished with her weepy, pathetic ass. It’s not like I don’t get it, but it’s also not like Stassi and Katie command a lot of respect. Stassi’s the devil and, well, look at Katie’s hair. It’s two turds crinkling their noses at a bucket of diarrhea. Speaking of diarrhea, at Tom and Kristen’s, Kristen’s on the bed weeping about how she WANTS her life to change, but she can’t MAKE her life change, and how she KNOWS what she has to do, but she can’t BRING herself to DO it. Tom keeps telling her that all she has to do is choose to believe in him and their relationship, and stop checking his fucking phone all the time. I wonder if he’s ever met his girlfriend before. Seems unlikely. In any case, Kristen needs some time away from Tom and runs home to Michigan (she’s from MICHIGAN? That explains so much. I can say that, […]
Good Christ alive, this episode was boring. Okay, yes, there were a few good moments at the end of the show, but frankly, given that this episode was sandwiched between The Cabo Meltdowns and next week’s “SLAP,” it just didn’t measure up. Next! Next, I say! Oh, and I could give two shits about Scheana’s staged proposal. Sorry, love to you both, but that was thirty minutes that could have EASILY been ten. We open in the dusty rose paradise that is Lisa’s home, a faint trace of doggy farts permeating the afternoon breeze. Pandora comes to visit bringing a really ugly cushion bearing Jiggy’s likeness. Lisa and Pandora fawn over the cushion, then fawn over the dog ON the cushion, and Jiggy attempts to look as alive as he possibly can – not very, in case you’re wondering. I wonder if he suffers from an anti-aging disease like that girl in “The Orphan.” I wonder if he’s 40 and vengeful…Anywho, the cushion was basically a lame bribe in an effort to convince Lisa to allow Shay to propose to Scheana at Villa Rosa. At first Lisa pretends to balk at the idea (if Scheana wants to get engaged there, then EVERYONE will want to get engaged there). Then she predictably caves, and Pandora gleefully runs off to set up a fake photo shoot that will serve as the stage for Scheana’s dream proposal. Pandora needs to have a baby, like, yesterday because she is clearly bored to tears with every other aspect of her life. We hit the pavement and head down to Sur, where Katie and Stassi are back at work after Cabo enjoying a nasty vacation hangover. Katie’s the only one whose heard from Kristen at this point, and things haven’t changed much since last week. Kristen’s still pissed at Stassi and Katie (because they basically took a blow torch to her life for no frigging reason), and she still hasn’t broken up with Tom. Surprise, surpise. Katie and Stassi snark that they’ve lost all respect for Kristen and are just about finished with her weepy, pathetic ass. It’s not like I don’t get it, but it’s also not like Stassi and Katie command a lot of respect. Stassi’s the devil and, well, look at Katie’s hair. It’s two turds crinkling their noses at a bucket of diarrhea. Speaking of diarrhea, at Tom and Kristen’s, Kristen’s on the bed weeping about how she WANTS her life to change, but she can’t MAKE her life change, and how she KNOWS what she has to do, but she can’t BRING herself to DO it. Tom keeps telling her that all she has to do is choose to believe in him and their relationship, and stop checking his fucking phone all the time. I wonder if he’s ever met his girlfriend before. Seems unlikely. In any case, Kristen needs some time away from Tom and runs home to Michigan (she’s from MICHIGAN? That explains so much. I can say that, […]