Hey Trashmii, apologies for any confusion if you saw this recap yesterday. With the site being down and things being all cray-cray with the tech issues, a rough draft of my recap accidentally got published. Needless to say I was MORTIFIED. Thankfully the always fab Ronnie K. took it down, so I could clean this mess up. Now onto the show!
Part One: Alison
Cabin of Illicit Affairs and Waking Up Alone: Alison wakes up to one side of the bed empty and seems unsure of how to proceed. She leaves a message for Noah to find out “what the deal is, yo?” in light of the whole, not being allowed to have her dirty mistress mitts near the wee Solloway’s, and all.
Alison is late for work, and today Yvonne is playing the part of Elsa. Alison could “build a snowman” with all the frost being blown in her direction. BRRRRR. Yvonne has been busy reading Noah’s manuscript, and if I were Alison I would be updating my resume about now because OUCH.
Wait, are you saying that my “kept woman” casual wear has no place in an office environment?
Alison is doing some physical therapy with Robert. Cue Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” because someone’s body is about to talk, if you know what I mean, and I think you do because that was not SUBTLE at all. He notices that she’s distracted and asks what’s up? Alison wants to know if Yvonne is mad at her. Robert is too polite to say that his wife is ready to throw Alison’s husband-stealing ass out, and asks if Alison has read Noah’s book. Nope, and frankly I don’t understand why she didn’t want to read it in the first place. Alison is so low-energy sometimes. I get that she’s kind of a passive audience member to her own life story, but maybe she’d be less bored, if she actually mustered up enough energy to find out what the Insecure Sex Machine she blew up her life for is actually saying about her. Robert is of course, super understanding with Alison. Yvonne was his first wife’s friend, and they had an affair. It all worked out, and it’ll work out for Alison and Noah. Alison decides to open up about her affair with Noah, which gets totes awkward when her not titillating at all story, gives Robert wood. AWKWARD. Robert tries to smooth things over by saying that Alison “just has that effect on men.” EYE ROLL.
Do I make you horny, baby?
If Alison is looking for a new job, this advertisement is better than a Yelp review for her physical therapy services.
Alison leaves the house, and is rattled by the grandpa boner. Really it’s what Robert said about her having the sex effect on men that’s fucking with her head. Look, show, real talk: Ruth Wilson is an attractive woman but last time I checked she’s not a walking wet dream. Feel free to chime in the comments if you disagree, but c’mon.
After running some errands Alison returns to Yvonne and Robert’s where things are super tense. Yvonne and Robert’s daughter, her husband and kid are there and Alison is basically back to playing her old role as a waitress. Things get worse (though not super surprising) for Alison when Robert visits the Cabin of Illicit Affairs and Scarlett A Shaming to hand her a pink slip. Yvonne has found someone from the Iowa Writer’s Workshop that would be a better fit as her assistant (i.e. wears shirts that cover bra straps, and doesn’t make her husband’s arthritic peen hard). Alison is struggling to process her firing, and asks if it was about what happened when she gave all three of Robert’s legs therapy? Looks like Noah screwed over yet another person, but this time with his juvenile prose. He isn’t even in the episode but Noah remains the WORST.
Alison decides to clear things up with Yvonne and bursts into the house, but no one’s home. She decides that NOW is the perfect time to read Noah’s New American Classic. We hear Noah read excerpts, and boy is this book bad. Like, E.L. James and Stephanie Meyers level of remedial writing bad. How many takes do we think it took Dominic West to read his lines without cracking up? Here I thought that Whitney was the only teenage girl in the Solloway family, but it seems Noah is the biggest teen of all. So, basically the show is trying to tell us that Noah got rich writing one of those paperbacks featuring sexy gardeners thrusting some bodice clad woman against a tree that they sell at Ralph’s? That’s hilarious, but also REALLY?! Alison is not happy, probably because her lovah referred to her as pure sex, which is just kind of the topper on a really shitty and insecure-making day. Alison takes out her anger on Yvonne’s bookshelf, tries to call Noah, and then starts packing a bag.