Salutations, dear readers. Here is the 5th episode of Botched, all shiny and plastic and new.
We open with Laura, who proudly exclaims she kicked breast cancer’s butt. Good for her. After a couple kids and now, 10 years post-disease, she is ready for a reconstruction after a double mastectomy. This is the feel good story. Except her chest and her self confidence are not feeling so great. Now Terry and Nassif are on the case to make her boobs look more like female mammaries. Laura comes in wearing a terrible top with circles cut out of the arms and tells her story. Ok we just heard this fucking story, do we need to hear it again? Anyway, the point is also that she has no areolas. She needs ’em.
Terry tells the viewers about 3d tattoos to make areolas and it is pretty cool. Terry examines Laura and discusses fat transfer to round out her chest. Laura, realistically, is not expecting miracles.
No, we are not here for your nose.
Next up is HEATHER DUBROW. Oh lord. She interviews that she has a hideous growth on her hand. Terry has agreed to remove it, after several previous attempts. By making an appointment, she hopes for face time in front of her husband. I like Heather but I really don’t need to see more of her #richpeopleproblems. Terry jokes about removing the entire growth coming out of her neck…wait, no. He promises to do some surgery on her hand. Heather thinks the appointment was wham bam thank you ma’am like it is at home. H’yuk yuk, what a card. Knock it off Heather Paige Kent…your schtick is tiresome. Commercials, including one for the buried miners movie “The 33” who probably were unable to watch reality tv in the mine. Sucks.
We return to meet Tannaz and Golnaz, sisters who get nose jobs together, dress alike and have the stink of ” I want to be famous by any means necessary” about them. They think they felt pressured into getting nose jobs in their teens because it was standard operating procedure in their HS in Calabasas California. Tannaz had a second nose job to correct the first fuck up, which made her nose uneven and her nostrils constricted. A third nose job soon followed. She now hates her profile. I agree. Although I am thinking more about her social media profiles which I would assume is full of dumb photos of cars and food. She says she is in law school but I am thinking it is a Capella University variety as opposed to Harvard Law.
What are your qualifications? Our parents are rich.
Golnaz likes her nose but she snores and snorts like a horse with an angry bee in its stall and it needs correcting. Tannaz has a Michael Jackson effect going on. Terry, hilariously, says “So you want high risk surgery in the center of your face? Nassif, this one is all yours!” Nassif examines them and makes some notes about cartilage and reducing the slope.
Hopping back to Laura, whose day of surgery has come. Terry does his magic and from what we are allowed to see, they look really great.
The two Persian nosejobs are in the office for their corrective schnoz operations. Nassif says a lot of medical terms and muscle names as he futzes around. Golnaz (Golschnoz?) has less scar tissue or something so she will heal faster. Good for her, I guess. Tannaz has more scar tissue and Nassif proclaims she will be able to breathe much easier.
Laura is in the office for her post-surgery follow up. Terry says everything is symmetrical and he thinks she will recover quickly. Terry surprises Laura with the info about the one day nipple tattooing. Laura is very happy and for a show on E!, this is about as touching as it gets.
We jump back to the sisters who are overtalking one another as they chatter and prattle on. Tannaz has annoying “oh my god my god” histrionics as they remove the stitches. Golnaz is happy she can breathe. Others are not as happy and wish she would stop breathing immediately.
These noses were our biggest accomplishments this year!
And…now back to <sigh> Heather. She says she would not trust anyone else on her body but Terry. Good for her. Anyway, let’s get this attention succubus segment over with.
I have an insatiable hunger for camera time! I will eat your face if you don’t film me!
Terry says that she will be whiney during recovery. And during the surgery. And probably pre-operating time. They make a lot of jokes, most bad. He does a punch biopsy (which I know from watching videos by Dr. Pimple Popper on YouTube). Terry stitches her up and gets her back on her way to spending $240,000 on cabinets for the wet bar in Terry’s third office.