We cold open to a man forcefully spitting, “Turn. Sidways.” at the jeans and bikini top-clad woman in front of him. His face contorts and reddens, as she doesn’t understand what “turn sideways” means. His thick southern accent is at the forefront as he monologues about his teaching methods over clips of him abusing attractive women, as if he is a bitter middle-school music teacher. Bill Alverson isn’t just your average attorney-he’s also a premiere pageant coach in Alabama. He is also Alabama’s premiere Todd Chrisley impersonator. I don’t know what it is about the South and Scientology, but they both have a way of keeping people committed to the closet. However, he does vaguely allude to divorce allowing one to know his true self.
Lexi, seventeen going on twenty-six, is Miss High School America (because apparently that’s a thing) and she is seeking Bill’s help in becoming a Miss America contestant. Bill tells Lexi that her major hurdle will be proving that age isn’t an issue, then peppers her with questions about Kurds, ISIS, and Immigration. Lexi immediately has that look you’ve seen in every pageant blooper: panic, fear, and just a little bit of flop sweat. Side note: Lexi’s mother hasn’t met a can of hairspray she didn’t like.
Next we get to see Bill working out by the pool as his daughters mock him and his spray-tanned abs (specifically his abs, because he couldn’t reach his back). “This is going to be a grandfather; nobody would believe it,” he says as if he’s auditioning for Blanche Devereaux in a Golden Girls reboot. Bill’s big idea is to gather the family by the pool for a half-naked, bathing suit portrait before his grandchild is born. No one seems thrilled.
At a depressing dance studio, Lexi does a slow tap routine in a hideous lace costume, as the walking ad for AquaNet silently looks on with a pained smile. Bill, however, cannot pretend: he’s pulling faces like he’s Paul Lynde in the center square. 
“A ten year-old girl doing this routine would be cutesy, but a woman doing this routine…” Apparently, the main issue is that it’s simultaneously stupid and overtly sexual because of hand placement or something. To his credit, Bill also hates the costume, because lace is what Teddy’s are made of. It is no surprise to learn that, while Bill is not a trained dancer, he has been in “a lot” of community theater productions. Color me shocked.
Helen-Anne, the daughter in law, lays into Bill for wanting a family portrait in bathing suits. Bill’s youngest daughter, astutely lets everyone know that he obviously wants to do that because he wants to show off his hot bod.
Lexi prepares to show Bill her new routine in a much less disgusting costume. The dance was so much improved, that AquaNet even smiled a full smile. However, Lexi doesn’t know how to turn without leaning forward for some reason and Bill is bored. BORED.
Bill coaches her through some changes, which include not holding her hands to her chest, because it apparently screams, “Nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple”.
At the photo studio, Bill takes charge and talks over the photographer. We get a series of unnatural looking photos until Blanche (the oldest daughter, not Bill) pulls him aside and convinces him to let the photographer do her job, which ultimately produces the best photo. I smell a produced plot point. After Bill apologizes to his family for his domineering behavior, the show ends with updates on Lexi (still working with Bill) and the fugly lace tap costume (AquaNet refuses to give it away).