Having had zero time between episodes, we plow right into episode two. Bill lets us know that in his town, they don’t hide their crazies, they put ‘em out on the front porch for entertainment. As if we couldn’t already tell.
Bill claims he approaches coaching like he approaches his legal cases, meaning “how are we going to get the jury to go in your favor?” We get to see his approach with Britain, a fifteen year-old Miss Michigan High School America (even though they are apparently from Sandusky, Ohio; someone please explain that to me).
Britain drove down to get Bill’s help for competing in the main Miss High School America pageant. I can’t wait to see her talent costume. Bill is immediately upset that she deigned to walk in public without lipstick or even a gloss. Not even a gloss! What gall. She then gives a spiel about herself that makes Bill pull more Paul Lynde-like faces.
Bill and his daughter-in-law go to a children’s furniture store, where they proceed to disagree about everything. In the interview, they have a natural rapport that is endearing, even when he’s calling her a yippy Chihauhua.
At a dance studio, we get a taste of Britain’s “fun fashion”, which is a bedazzled, skirted pant suit. Of course, Bill thinks the half-skirt calls attention to her vagina, but without the skirt, it’s apparently a stripper outfit (you know, because strippers wear pants). However, Britain’s main challenge is gliding in her evening wear. Apparently, you don’t want to put your hands anywhere but to your sides: you know, like a mannequin on wheels.
Bill charges into his son’s and Helen-Anne’s home to make her a morning smoothie. Suspiciously, Helen-Anne already has make-up on. She goes on to warn him against wearing tight tank tops to the gym, because she’s worried people will see him and think something, but she doesn’t say what. Bill says that yes, they’ll think something alright, “they’ll think I’m hot!” and continues making her home-invasion-smoothie.
We learn that Helen-Anne doesn’t want the smoothie, because fruit is messy and it grosses her out. She says if you don’t fight back, Bill will roll right over you. He then goes a step too far and asks if she’s doing kegels. I can’t tell what’s worse: a cold, disproving father-in-law who only shows up for special occasions or Bill, proponent of vaginal exercises.
Bill surprises Britain at her hotel to talk about why she seemed like she was going to crack under his abrasive tutelage. Her mom downloaded him on the situation in private, so he thought it best to discuss it on camera. It should be no surprise that Britain, Miss Michigan High School America, is a victim of the scourge of Real Housewives everywhere: bullying. Bill is kind and rallies her with an inspirational pep talk about being yourself and having #goals.
The next day, Britain shows up in the makeup she was afraid to wear because of all the bullying. Bill proceeds to throw insults at her while she practices gliding, you know, to help her deal. After she delivers an articulate speech about her platform (bullying), he pronounces her “ready for nationals”.
In Britain’s update, they show a photo of someone who looks older and prettier than her, but is apparently Britain, and let us know she placed in the top 15. Next stop: Miss Ohio USA, but not Miss Michigan USA.