By some kind of ungodly miracle, Bravo decided to renew “Untying the Knot” and we are just the luckiest pieces of shit on this planet if you ask me.
Our lady of the hour, Vikki Ziegler, tells us that saying goodbye to your marriage is hard, but giving away stuff is harder. Fuck yeah it is. I’ll always value my collectible TJ Maxx roosters over my boyfriend any day of the week.
Vikki introduces us to Mickey and Toya as the couple of the week, desperately trying to squeeze every dime out of each other. When Vikki comes over to their version of Chateau Sheree, Mickey tells Vikki “I didn’t invite you.” Toya must be crazy, this guy is super charming!
We get the rundown of how they met and why now they are deciding to divorce. Something about an ex-girlfriend slandering his name and Toya not supporting him. He moved out and literally blames Toya for his life “being ruined.” I want to serenade Mickey with “ You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling” by Hall & Oates right now. I wish he could hear me, he’d make me a star! (He said he made T-Pain a star so I’m feeling like I have a good chance).
Getting down to business though, Mickey and Toya discuss their assests that they need Vikki to help them divide themselves. Rings? Check. Watches? Check. Cars? Check. A camera to shoot raunchy pictures for a magazine called “Hi, I’m Tom.” . . . Hold up, repeat that? Oh, Mickey means it like a “peeping Tom” but just not the creepy kind. Shaking my head. Shaking. My. Head.
We also get a look at another one of Vikki’s clients who already went through a bad divorce and now is living with her new boyfriend, but is scared she will end up in the same place she started, duking it out for the seven jacuzzis she once owned I’m sure. Vikki suggests a cohabitation agreement for her client’s new relationship. Yepp, I’m feeling like this new man is going to LOVE this idea.
The Millea Brothers, a low rent version of the already low rent “Property Brothers” come by Mickey and Toya’s chateau sheree to appraise their belongings and immediately we get to hear more about the “Hello, I’m Tom” endeavour. Jesus, take the wheel.
To find out how this epic love story concludes, check back in here with me as I will have the full recap up asap!
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