“Being King is a Performance.” That’s what Francis tells Charles this week in Ruling a Country 101: Keeping the Peace While Looking Pretty. And while that’s true, it’s not just the King who’s putting on a show. Catherine and Claude feign affection for personal gain, Narcisse acts like marriage doesn’t suffocate him, Bash pretends he’s concerned for Delphine, and Elizabeth is type-cast in the role of “desperate for a husband.” It’s a Broadway Production in European Court and everyone’s vying for that Tony. Welcome back to Reign.
We open with a lackey furiously clip-clopping through the gates, loudly announcing an important message for “Mary Queen of Scots.” Thank you so much for specifying! A double agent surmises something major’s afoot and blabs to Nicolas the Ambassador while Mary and Francis return from one of their infamous death-tempting boat rides.
Mary mothers Francis into swallowing his new-age Austrian medicine which is essentially some horse-peed-on grass in pill form. It seems to be working, though, as Francis is up and about, able to take to the sea with no assistance. A maid approaches to relay the correspondence news.
some horse urine a day keeps the brain bleeds away
It’s from Mary’s mother, Marie de Guise. The last time we saw her, she was chugging opium by the glassful and all but shoving a turkey baster up her daughter every ten minutes in an attempt to get her pregnant. Update: She’s still dying and Mary’s still childless.
The letter is in code which Francis finds strange enough to comment on. She’s taking extra precautions since Mary’s half brother, James, was recently removed from his regency in Scotland. His Protestant followers read a message he penned that discussed his refusal of Elizabeth’s demand to disempower Mary a few episodes back. Two queries: 1) How did Mary get the cipher to decode the message? Is there some sort of trusted servant mule who Maria Full of Graced it all the way to France? and 2) You’re telling me this is the first time they’re using code? I run exactly none countries and still at least attempt to thinly veil my important text messages.
The news reads that the English have blocked the Glen Albyn Pass in Scotland which is the main supply route for Scotland and France’s troops. Marie de Guise needs help eradicating the English before the men starve and resort to eating each other’s legs and what not. Yet again, Francis is determined to help his wife even though Scotland is the tapeworm in France’s intestines.
Everyone, including the Dauphin, is called to the situation room to brainstorm solutions. Marie de Guise is confident she can expel the English if her men just get provisions. Francis is worried. They’re both knocking at death’s door and if one of them enters before the Pass is freed, Scotland will fall to the English.
Finally Charles arrives, despite being summoned hours ago. He apologizes; he thought the meeting was in Francis’s chambers. Poor Charles. Lord knows what horrors he stumbled upon while wandering aimlessly searching for the “important discussions” wing. My Francs are on a room stuffed with still slowly decomposing Plague victims. He does however give the suggestion that France use their new galleon ships to overpower the English. Francis is impressed and gives the order.
Y’all know there’s an indoor pool?
In England, William once again advises Elizabeth to get married, this time to Mary’s back-burner bro, Don Carlos of Spain. Elizabeth muses “why must the fate of nations be determined in a shared bed?” Evidently, she’s never experienced the clear-headedness one gets from cohabitation. My dog is a much better leader for it.
Don Carlos enters the throne room and meets Elizabeth for the first time. Have you ever seen one of your friends flirt? It’s obscene. Like who is this weird try-hard, what are they doing with their face, why are they pretending to enjoy sports, and did they just say “touché”? It may work great on the stranger in the bar, but it really takes a toll on the friendship. Maybe that’s why I found this shameless banter in front of 50 people so cringe worthy. Regardless, they establish a rapport and Elizabeth agrees to consider a marriage.
we’re gonna need a friend break
Not to be forgotten, Robert Dudley predictably confronts Elizabeth in a jealous rage. He’s not just singing a different tune from last week, he’s changed from acoustic blues to electro house synth trap (all I listen to). In their last conversation he was livid that Elizabeth even hinted at harming Amy and this week he’s all “it was just in passing! That’s barely premeditation!”
He implores Elizabeth not to marry Don Carlos—he loves her and can’t be apart from her. Elizabeth argues the nobles will never accept a woman ruling alone. Robert says “make them.” He urges her to take to the Thames on a campaign boat and rally support. Shake hands, kiss babies, make the people love her and not want to share that love with anyone else but them (and Robert, of course.)