It’s the final episode, so this will be my last recap for a while, unless I’m fired for picking this awful show that nobody in their right mind would ever watch, on a streaming platform that nobody in their right mind would ever pay for. Although, it should be said: Amazon (“Studios” lol) is a fucking treasure trove of trash, and if you have any reason other than wanting to watch tv to get a prime account, you should totally do it, because think of all the SyFy classics you are getting as an unexpected bonus. Think of the awful soft-core porn. Think of your children, who don’t care if you said no, they are “interested” in God and stuff, that’s how badly they want to watch Veggie Tales right now. Think of the poor noob TTTV recappers who are trying to make it happen. If anybody has been reading this, thank you so much, and if you made it through all of the recaps/episodes, PLEASE eviscerate me in the comments. It would make my day, xxxxxxxxxxxxxx! Oh! And PS I came across this little gem on HoG’s Imdb page today, TOO LATE:
I really missed an incredible opportunity here, damn it all to hell.
ANYway. You may remember, last week we ended at that masquerade party. Hellboy was going nuts over a Crook$ Innovation$ ad, when suddenly it dawned on him that all of the crap that I thought was unimportant and therefore didn’t include in my recaps is THE ONLY crap that mattered:
“Spin class!”
Was staring at the wall during this, oop.
“Look at this. Look at it!!!!”
MILK.
In retrospect, I should’ve seen this coming when she got a name: Ann Wu is “they”, you guys!!! I have no idea what dirt she had on Shane, and neither does anyone involved in the making of this show, let’s just get that clear right here and right now, so, I can’t tell you. This ep is just the worst. But who the fuck cares anyway, it’s the finale, yay!
Okay: Hellboy stalks Ann Wu at her home in the Ea$twood Apartment$. He brings Sweetness and everything else he needs in a briefcase and puts his disguise on IN the parking garage, which is fucking hilarious. Once he’s dressed and ready, he just stands there doing literally nothing while Ann Wu runs to her car. Lol, being bad doesn’t come easily to HB, okay? PJ materializes to let him know he’s being a total pussy.
“Quid pro quo, mother fucker.”
Mr. Crook$ takes time out of his busy skin mask making schedule to discuss whether or not he likes that bee mascot that Garth thought up while stoned one day. He decides to keep it because it’s a super excellent metaphor for how his worker bees run out and steal software from rich kid flowers for the Crook$y drones to implement in Innovation$ back in his hive. Ann Wu tells Garth she’s a little on edge rn because a man in a hoodie was standing in her parking garage this morning. Garth knows that “big” and “man” are words that can only describe Hellboy, so she demands to know what he has in his briefcase when he gets home.
“A Richard Nixon mask, waddaya think, ya shrew?”
He tells her that Ann Wu, our GOTCHA villainess, ordered PJ’s wife to be raped because she was fucking him, and jealous bitches be crazy and callous af. Garth is all, “WHOA that seems a little farfetched,” but unfortunately she didn’t write this, so that’s totally what happened, you guys. I won’t even. SMH
Icymi:
Requisite black people at the barber scene, holla!
Over at Our Titular Chapel, the Rev and SMP are fighting for the right to bring HB’s piano on tv with them, because the Rev is obviously hoping to get a record deal out of this shit. I would rate this an Utterly and Completely on the How Unimportant to the Plot is this Scene Really scale, but we get to see the Bishop, so it’s not a total loss.
“Bye, Felicia!”
Another totally useless scene is one between Garth and Camryn Manheim. Apparently CM came all the way out to the hospital in San Vicente from Big Sur to tell Garth that HB should still be being held captive at the Scientology Center. That’s what they always say, you guys! The Second Coming of Skyler White is keeping him at home because of PJ’s impending unplugging (HB’s apparently invited) and also because some greedy ass in-law might get their hands on all of her money. CM has the audacity to call her selfish, and I’m feeling very protective of my Garth rn, STEP. OFF, Camryn Manheim. Garth is going to have to do something super drastic to convince everyone that she’s really here for HB. Psst!!! Don’t do it Garth, show him that his money ain’t worth shit!