Hey y’all! This week on the Holiday Baking Championship we seem to be following the exact same script as all previous episodes, with the same one-liners, the same faux drama, and the same Bobby Dean sweater vests.
We are down to seven bakers, and Briana is the last standing home baker. Must have been all those home baking awards that kept her here this long. Bobby enters, and we barely even get an intro before we are right into the rules for the first challenge. Guess there is nothing interesting left to talk about. And no turkey piñatas left to catch the shit out of.
The first challenge this week is all about that cranberry, which pleases ice queen Maeve, who eats canned cranberry year round, because who doesn’t want that gelly mush in the middle of August. The bakers will have one hour to make a delicious holiday dessert using cranberry, and Haley is already stressing. Girls got tears in her eyes as per usual, and seems to require lamaze breathing just to get through Bobby’s challenge speech.
Breathe in …
Breathe out … no more tears.
The clock starts, and the bakers rush over to grab their cans of cranberry, with Padua of course sauntering at the rear of the pack. He of course comments “why am I always the last one” and even the picking of a can of cranberry is the same ol same ol this week. But different this week, Padua wants to impress the judges. Because why impress them all of the other weeks?
Padua decides to make an apple, pear, cranberry crisp, and we are treated to the drama of Padua looking for all of the spice ingredients. Where did that darn cinnamon go? Looks like Melody has it because she is also making a crisp! (Cue Steve’s dramatic “dun dun dun”). The drama. The battle of the crisps. Who will make a better crisp? I can hardly contain myself. I mean crisps in and of themselves are the most exciting desserts. Any idiot can cook some fruit and throw a little oats and brown sugar on top. Where these bakers step it up is their ridiculous use of butter. Yes twenty sticks of butter are needed to make six ramekins of crisp. Mmmm buttery goodness.
How much butter, could a basic baker butter, if a basic baker could butter butter?
I’ma out butta the shit outta her.
As per usual Bobby heads over to talk with one or two bakers to really get in his hosting duties. This week the lucky baker is Adalberto who is calm and cute, and has a nice conversation with Bobby. Unlike the usual frantic nature of the bakers who just want Bobby’s dimples out of their kitchen so they can get to sweating into their desserts. Adalbert is making pasteles, and is using cheese, which is about as exciting as it gets on this show. Cheese in a dessert!? WHAT!?
Wait just a minute here, cheese in a dessert? W
We do learn that puff pastries should be cold when the go in the oven, and Adalberto takes that rule very seriously. Adalberto shares this lesson with the same intensity and sincerity as if he was telling kids to say no to drugs. NO room temperature puff pastries in the oven or you will get pregnant and die.
Adalberto smells bacon cooking, and inaccurately assumes it is Briana, because, well, too easy. But it is actually Maeve cooking up the bacon, since it allowed her to get out her psychosis in the back as she butchered her own pig by choice. The use of bacon by Maeve makes me realize we are on episode 4 and this is the first bacon use in a dessert. Bacon desserts are so hot right now! How has nobody else used bacon yet?
#sohotrightnow
Bobby checks in with Maeve, and the two exchange what I am sure was supposed to be a spicy, flirtatious description of butter, and it just seems super awkward. Even more than the typical awkward we get with this show. Bobby recognizes he needs to cut his losses and says goodbye to Maeve immediately. Maeve is making bread pudding, with just a “tish” of rosemary. New measurement to me. For a change, this week Maeve is going to use Irish whiskey to add an Irish element to her dessert. What a new concept for you there Maeve. I didn’t know you were Irish.
Steve is making a cranberry crumb bar, and we get to learn how to layer crumbs, canned cranberry, and more crumbs. High brow recipe learning for us viewers. Briana is making tarts, and once again she seems to be the “Happy Holiday” ambassador as she wishes the other bakers happy holidays. Do we need to do this EVERY episode? Couldn’t we find a more natural way to work it in? Like Bobby Deen riding in on a donkey, wearing a Jesus costume complete with Birkenstocks, with fireworks going off in the background, and a Happy Holidays banner flowing in the fan generated wind behind Bobby.