Present Day
Toby from the West Wing, Attorney at Law is watching the grainy video of Scotty and Alison. In an interesting twist, Toby is busy building a case against Alison. Excuse me, the Paramour. He’s running with the idea that Alison had an affair with Scotty but we all know that the baby is Cole’s. I can’t see Toby running a “Lockhart curse” defense in court, but if anyone could do it, it would be him. Now I want Showtime to develop a show with Richard Schiff where he has to defend ridiculous clients and cuts them down with his deadpan sass. I would watch the hell out of an irritated Toby cracking wise. Helen and her “international spy” hair arrive – they need to talk (hopefully about less severe hair cuts).
My life would be so much easier if someone would just kill Noah already!
PART ONE: HELEN
Helen and Whitney are taking a tour of Williams College. For once, Whitney isn’t being a total twat waffle, and tries to fix Helen up with a cute dad on the tour. Helen says that she and Noah only just separated, but Whitney calls bullshit – it’s been a year. Get some, mom. Also, ew. Who actively tries to get their parents laid? Helen is thrilled to show her daughter the impressive Payne Hall but Whitney says it’s like, “Hogwarts without all the magic.” Ah there it is, the Whitney we all would like to STFU. Helen tells a story about Noah working in the kitchen there, and she and Max would show up stoned and demand he give them meatballs. Whitney doesn’t want Helen to refer to Max as “uncle” anymore and gives her mom a knowing side eye. BUSTED. Whitney is not down with the school and would like to return to her evil coven in Brooklyn, thank you very much.
Carmen Sandiego cos play is a thing, Mom
Instead of listening to how great life in the dorms is (lies), Whitney has been busy setting up a Tinder account for Helen. Mom is not thrilled about this, but Whitney points out that it’s messed up that Helen has spent the entire day reminiscing about the good times with Noah. According to Whitney, Helen has five or six good years left before she morphs into a hipster Miss Havisham, so start swiping. I have to give props to Julia Goldani Telles who nails just how irritating a character Whitney is: she’s mostly just the WORST but then there are those slivers of goodness but even when she’s being nice, it still seems so nasty. It’s not an easy character to play but she pulls it off.
Back at the hotel (excuse me…motel), Whitney is bitching. Shocker. Helen reveals that she’s on a budget, so I guess she’s been cut off from the Bank of WASP. Whitney is still pushing hard for Helen to embrace Tinder. I kind of feel like Helen would prefer Coffee Meet Bagel. Whitney’s non-stop bitch session continues onto the street. Helen would be totally justified in shoving her daughter into traffic, but instead tries to assure her that she’ll totally get in because she inherited all of Noah’s “best qualities.” Hahahahahahaha. Whitney and everyone watching this show all know that Noah doesn’t have any good qualities. AND it gets worse; Whitney doesn’t want to go to school, she wants to be a model. She met a photographer, nothing to worry about there, because it’s totally normal to climb in the back of a windowless van for a photo session. Helen can’t even believe this shit. Whitney turns the brat up to eleven and disses her mother for always letting her parents support her. Whitney sees Noah across the street and happily greets him. Of course, Noah didn’t remember the college tour and Publicist Eden is like, “whoops, sorry.” Helen is fucking over this shit. Whitney first tries to get Noah to book her a suite at his hotel, but then her dorm host arrives, and because she has fuchsia hair and a beanie, Whitney decides that she’ll spend time with her. Both Noah and Helen share a moment where they realize they don’t understand their enfant terrible at all. Noah asks if Helen would like to come to his book reading, and she responds in the only way possible with an eye roll and a hell no.
Good Luck on America’s Next Top Teen Terror, Whitney!
PRESENT DAY
Noah’s trial is in two weeks, and Helen wants to know what’s going to happen. Toby said he was going to come up with alternative suspects, and Helen would like to know who he’ll be placing in the lounge with wrench for Scotty’s murder. It’s just a theory, and he hasn’t even shared it with Noah – I’m sure he’d be SHOCKED that Alison slept with Cole. After all, Noah Solloway, Insecure Sex Machine is the only fuck that this lowly waitress could ever want or need – but Helen needs some answers and is willing to get her hands dirty to get them. I get that Helen is trying to protect her kids, but WHY is she so adamant that Noah not be sent to jail? Like, just let the justice system take him out with the rest of the trash. It doesn’t matter that he’s innocent of Scotty’s murder; Noah is just a fucking terrible person.