Last week, Porsha narrowly avoided dragging an elegantly dressed woman down the red carpet at the Emmys. Back in Atlanta, she explained to Kandi that she’s besties with Phaedra because they get 2 for 1 discounts at the smut shop. Cynthia had an eyewear party because she couldn’t afford to rent a table at the local flea market and Kim Fields is beginning her descent into DeShawn Snow territory.
Kandi goes shopping for baby stuff with Momma Joyce. Everyone is getting along better because Momma Joyce offed Todd’s mother. They look for cribs and while Joyce wants a versatile one, Kandi doesn’t care about longevity or safety and just wants something stylish.
“Who’s gonna have the coolest baby in the ER? Me!”
Kandi promptly finds a recliner so she can assume her confessional position. Kandi tells Joyce about all of the Phaedra and Todd drama. Joyce offers to talk to Phaedra because she doesn’t want Kandi to be stressed.
“Maybe I need to pay Ms. Parks and her brake lines a visit.”
Kenya goes to Detroit with Brandon and Aunt Lori. She tries to pronounce baccalaureate. I look up the word baccalaureate. Kenya says that she has one ugly ex until Brandon says that he can think of another whom they call “tow truck” man.
“If you say his name three times, he shows up with a Slim Jim and ass crack.”
She not only wants to reunite her family, she wants her mom to come as well. Aunt Lori refuses to give Kenya her mom’s number and wants to stay out of it.
Cynthia and Noelle are in her closet packing clothes for a mystery trip with Peter. All I care about is where the heck is Noelle going to stay while they’re gone on this spontaneous trip. I feel like Noelle is totally allowed to have her boyfriend sleep over. Anyway, Noelle says she’s one and done when someone messes up but Cynthia tells her that when it’s real love, connected to a TV paycheck, she’ll want to work on it more.
Kenya’s dad, his wife and her nephew arrive for the reunion.
Meet the Klumps
Their relationship has been strained ever since Kenya ran away. So, her parents are petty as hell, right? I understand that running away put stress on them and was hurtful but she was a kid with severe mommy issues. Anyway, they all regret letting so much time get away from them so they’re going to make up for it by airing their story and showing the rest of America how not to ruin generations of humans.
Porsha is working out by practically doing squats on her trainer’s face.
I’m not joking.
Porsha can not believe that she’s watching her sister having a kid first. To express her undulating joy, she tells Lauren that her stupid pregnant face is unreliable now. Lauren has been working from home but Porhsa is mad that she’s paying for office space.
“I just found out I can stream it on Netflix!”
Lauren says that she only needs a computer. Apparently Porsha is mad that a package delivery was missed. Porsha starts asking why Lauren doesn’t just go work somewhere else and she responds that anyone else with steal Porsha’s money.
“Remember when you bought that oceanfront property in Las Vegas?”
Porsha is literally shrieking like an eight year old and as I’m thinking this, my dog suddenly lifts her head like Timmy fell in the well. She says she doesn’t want to run around a mulberry bush about what’s happening in Lauren’s stomach. Digestion? Cuz that’s what happens there. And we know Porsha doesn’t want to run hence the trainer molesting workout. Lauren says that she’s always there for Porsha and even flies coach. Porsha can’t believe that Lauren resents her when she’s built all of this, wait for it, on her back. She finally admits what blogs, and sailors, have been saying for years. Lauren feels consumed by Porsha and then Porsha guilt trips her by facetiously saying that she’s selfish, self-aborbed and Lauren, my hero, agrees with each proclamation. Porsha pulls out one more heap of passive aggression and says they’ll sweep it under the rug and let the businesses run themselves.
Momma Joyce visits Phaedra at her rent-an-office. She explains that Kandi’s is a high risk pregnancy and she doesn’t want her to have any problems or for anyone to hurt her. She delivers a threat to Phaedra and then invites her to the baby shower in the same breath. For once, I kinda love Momma Joyce. She uses the awkward situation to get Phaedra to plan, and maybe pay, for the shower.
“My baby’s gonna get her $8,000 one way or another.”
Porsha takes gas station flowers to Lauren’s place and eats fruit. Loudly. She’s decided to change her approach since Phaedra explained that pregnant women are hormonal and need some slack. Porsha says that she was being Petty Wap about not knowing that Lauren was pregnant before everyone else. If that’s true, and not just for TV, that sucks to learn about your sister’s pregnancy by chance. However, when you work for family it can kill the dynamic. Lauren says that she felt Porsha would be upset since she wanted a baby. Porsha insists that she isn’t mad as she furiously re-dips apples into caramel and then stuffs it in her mouth. Either she’s doing some really bad acting or she has no clue about body language and early onset diabetes.