Hi trashies and trashoes! Thanks to this website, I actually watched the Oscars last night! Well, okay. I watched the Oscars until Lady Gaga sang and then I recorded the rest. I had a really long weekend. If you followed the TTTV live tweeting last night, a lot of my jokes are going to be the same ones I made last night. You can’t expect me not to repeat, cmon!
I’d like to thank my friend Chandler for helping me with this one! He threw in some jokes, “all the good ones” in his words, but mostly the ones regarding that fine ass Eddie Redmayne.
(Also about halfway through this, the internet stopped letting me upload pictures. Ronnie and I are trying to fix it. But there’s no time!)
First off I would like to say I’m really happy about Guiliana Ranstick because: I didn’t have to watch her interview anyone, and she finally found those diet pills that make flowers grow out of your butthole!
“I stole this dress from Brandi, she said she wasn’t invited to any more of Kyle’s white parties.”
I love the fact that red carpet coverage has just become us watching people take selfies with other people. This is what is supposed to entertain us. We know you have an iPhone, I am not amused watching you use it!! Yes I am looking at you Fuller House!! Sidenote I watched all of Fuller House and it is TERRIBLE. I have a headache.
Tina Fey looked super cute and we all sat with baited breath hoping she would announce what we have ALL been waiting for. “Tina!!! WILL THERE EVER BE A DATE NIGHT 2????”…. No answer yet. We’ll keep trying, guys. She made her way back to the carpet where everyone apologized to her for not getting around to seeing Sisters yet.
I’ve never been a huge Kevin Hart fan, but I would like to give him a shout out for taking my advice and bedazzling his jacket so he would stand out a little bit!
Is it just me that loves remembering how short he is?
Here you go.
Let’s get to the actual Oscars because I’m already bored with anything else. I’m also kind of bored with the actual Oscars. BUT, Chris Rock killed it with the opening let’s-all-be-ok-with-what’s-about-to-happen monologue. Seriously though, it was good. I’ve already rewatched it. My favorite part was watching the camera pan to all the white people in the audience figuring out how to react. Brilliant.
Maybe it’s just me, but presenters always kind of look like they’re being held at gunpoint, which is super fun to imagine.
Who chose the music for this thing?? People are walking up to the stage to what sounds like SVU background music. Really kills the buzz when all you can think about is Olivia Benson interviewing that gay youth that got pushed off a bridge. (My roommate watches SVU. I don’t. I watched one episode with him. Guess which one.) And at one point they played Footloose?! Who made that call?! Is it Patrick Swayze’s ghost holding us all at gunpoint?! Okay wait actually that’s it that makes sense.
Stacey Dash checked twitter and put on a bear suit around this time, to hide in plain sight.
Tom McCarthy won an Oscar! Why do we care, you ask? THIS IS THE MAN WHO WROTE THE COBBLER! You know, that Adam Sandler movie that Netflix randomly started telling you to watch???
Yep, this one.
Here’s the thing, though: WATCH THIS MOVIE. I watched it with a friend one night like “lol let’s watch this to fall asleep to” and that’s what happened. Then another friend texted me asking if I had seen it, I said only the first 30 minutes. His next text was “You didn’t see the ending? Come over right now” and I did and I ran around his apartment screaming. This movie starts out like a super normal Adam Sandler movie we’ve all seen. Then it gets weird. Then it gets REALLY weird and creepy. Then shit just gets out of hand. Then by the end of it Steve Buscemi has a monologue that will change your world and you will run around screaming too. It’s terrible. 10/10. Show your friends. And then please tweet me about it. God, I am so glad I finally found an excuse to talk about The Cobbler to an audience.
This is me on location of The Cobbler. It was filmed in New York and not on a very glamorous street. My mother took this picture while wearing a red blazer and a pearl necklace. She took it quickly and said we should leave. Worth it.
“Okay, sorry I talked about The Cobbler too much.” -Me, often.
Ryan Gosling and a human pancake who either needs Mucinex or drank way too much presented an award together with some weird sitcom dialogue. I love watching actors be bad at acting. It’s what presenting is for.
Then everyone freaked out and tweeted the word: TRACY!!!! Tracy Jordan! He wore a dress and starred in a lovely Danish Girl parody. It was a highlight for me, and for us all.
After Tracy, we meet Stacey. Stacey Dash was announced as the head of diversity, walked onstage, farted, and left to put on a bear costume in order to hide in plain sight, next to DiCaprio.
Ex Sumo-Smith (get it cuz he lost weight, congrats, SAMurai!!) performed the James Bond movie and we all remembered when Adele did it better. Sam needed to relax his jaw a little bit more, something we’ve all heard before.
Looney Mara sat and texted her more famous sister and asked her who she thought was more gay: Sam Smith or Kevin Spacey? Around this time, someone got secretly pissed at Mark Ruffalo for stealing their armrest all damn night.
I’m really glad they gave us a commercial break right after they announced that those yellow immigrants they call Minions will be showing up. We all needed that time to prepare our jokes. I don’t get it, we let these jags in – but not Michael B. Jordan? Cmon, Academy.
Kate Winslet wanted us to know she’s not like the other girls so she wore her glasses she stole from Zooey Deschanel and her newborn baby, and wrapped herself in Paul Giamatti’s vinyl wallpaper.
My favorite Oscars tweet of the night.
For those of you still pretending you aren’t in love with Lady Gaga, consider this ya burn notice. Life is too short to pretend you don’t love this chick.
Joe Biden accidentally wandered onto the Oscar stage while looking for snacks, and gave one hell of a speech. Which was a perfect lead in to one hell of a performance from our Fair Lady Gaga.
PS Isn’t Eddie Redmayne just the cutest bastard alive?
Look, I’m not going to cover who won everything. The answer is Mad Max.And everyone who worked on Mad Max looked like they know how to party, and I’m sure they did.
If you’re reading this, you watched, or you don’t really care who won, like me! We just want to watch Louis CK wearing a suit and Cate Blanchett do anything slightly cringey.
I’m so incredibly glad Olivia Wilde wore her favorite skirt connected with two pieces of toilet paper. And next year, so will Rihanna.
Leonardo DiCaprio finally won his Oscar, and took the time in his speech to…endorse Bernie Sanders. Which I might think is awesome.
Maybe.
I know what you’re thinking: I just write recaps! I shouldn’t be plugging presidential candidates, it’s not the place. But this is the Oscars. It’s all about unnecessarily plugging politics into everything. If it isn’t a political statement, good LUCK! And that might not be the most fair thing, but it’s definitely more interesting. The real world is becoming more and more like a youtube comment section everyday, and that’s a world I want to live in.
Thank you for reading! Please give me your thoughts and share with your friends who might also think Russel Crowe is a pancake- since none of my friends apparently get it.
See you guys next week when RuPaul starts! Mwah!
xoxoxoxo KAT