Howdy Trashmii! Welcome to TTTV’s recap of the latest VPR episode, plus a short class in Understanding Ari Safari’s Recaps. Grades will be issued below, as well as your very own Certificate of Achievement (in case you run into Ariana) — good luck, Trashies!
Some of you are confused. “Who is Ari Safari?” you may ask yourselves. “What is her problem, and why can’t we understand her?” We here at the Boston TTTV Recappers Conservatory are sensitive to your concerns, and would like to help. Here is your Study Guide, which consists of a little “bare bones” background info on Yours Truly:
I have a multicultural background and was a traveling kid. So my cultural frame of reference is not yours — that’s a guarantee. Sorry about that. Believe me, I try to blend in, but I just don’t, and you’re going to have to deal. Speaking of misfits, I was educated in the sciences — specifically aerospace engineering. So I am your very own Rocket Scientist Recapper, yay!
Like Steve from Big Brother 17, I was on the faculty as an undergraduate (as a Supplemental Instructor for Chemistry). I do like to teach, as I gather you’ve noticed, but what I REALLY love is to laugh (hopefully without getting hit) — and I’ve got my own hard-earned PtsD to prove it.
I watch reality TV as a means of understanding people. This is really true — it’s totally educational programming to me. HAHAHAHA!
And finally — I keep a little black book entitled “People I’d Like to Strike in the Groin”.
There you have it, Trashies! Your assignment is to apply this information to Understanding Ari Safari’s Recaps — Godspeed to you, my Darlings! Once in possession of sufficient understanding after reading the below material, you may print out your very own Certificate of Achievement. (Don’t forget to fill out your name!) We recommend you keep this certificate with you at all times, because Lord knows the bitch has contacts, and she’s not afraid to use them.
I’m so proud of you, Trashies!!! xoxo <3
PS – Honorary Doctorates have been awarded to @snickers and @ceejay, who already totally get me — You GO, gurlfriends!
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Okay! On with the recap…
As we open, it’s Pay Day, and Scheana and Katie are all dolled up for a road trip to Palm Springs! Katie is wearing special Pucker & Pout Travel Gear, complete with 482 accessories and the nose ring. She plans to surprise Stassi, so the bitch won’t have time to fire up her nostrils.
“Pucker & Pouted up the wazoo — and so can you!”
Apparently after the beach party, a drunk Katie tried to get sympathy from Schwa over Ariana’s attack — but due to his drug-resistant strain of Letting Down Katie Tourette’s, he rallied to Ariana’s defense. Then Tequila Katie took over, and send a vitriolic series of texts to Schwa, which are shocking. Let’s just say… hypothetically… that if, after sending these messages, she actually left him, and went to sleep with someone else — and then DIDN’T CALL IT CHEATING, because she’d “broken up” with him first — and then came back as if nothing just happened — this would be an ender in almost anyone’s book ($14.95 hardcover on Amazon).
But, as I thought I made clear in my Royals recaps (but evidently didn’t), I ALWAYS wanted my Jasper back — so he’s a damned lucky bastard, is all I can say, and he better act like it.
Geebus, Katie, tell us what you REALLY think!
We get a lovely flashback of Tequila Katie slurring about some other whore Schwa “stood up” for (lolz). Then, in waltzes that bitch Ariana herself, who snubs them, and sails by with barely a hello. Katie and Scheana are fed up with her condescending attitude.
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