Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, …
You know that Lisa Rinna is the realest of the Real Housewives cuz her housekeeper is the only that has to schlep through Ralph’s. Poor Lorena will die youngish of exhaustion cuz Harry insists on doing “art” instead of a sitcom.
YOU’RE KILLING LORENA, LISA RINNA.
The camera guys are writing poetry tonight, five seconds in. An accused anorexic bipolar standing in a kitchen full of rotting, uneaten fruit, ….
… and literally being upstaged by lemons.
Rinna’s kid has been sick for a long time. Is this the one who makes toast on the weekends? Cuz she might have a gluten allergy. Or rotting fruit is slowly killing her.
Or she just needs to get her tonsils taken out. An actual doctor not affiliated with Feng Planet Fitness in Chinatown calls to make sure the poor kid isn’t terrified of having her throat ripped out. Oh, sorry, her throat will be cut “and burned at the same time.” This is gonna hurt her, but it will be less painful for us than another hoo ha waxing scene so yay!
Rinna hangs up with the doctor without asking if he knows of any tonsil charities having red carpet events that she can get her legit sick kid on, but all the big donors are going to diseases with trending hashtags on Insta.
No parties, but the family can keep the tonsils after they’re extracted. I know Rinna wants to ask if they can be injected into some part of her above-the-neck area, but the cameras are here so she holds off.
Yolanda is still technically a Foster in this scene, but she’s not even hiding how bored she is with Daveed My Luff’s ole song and dance. How the hell do you think HE feels, woman?
Daveed tinkles the ivories and crafts his revolutionary reworking of Ave Maria while Yolanda moves into an offense position. He doesn’t even bother noticing that Yolanda put on actual makeup and not background general poor person chorus member from Fiddler on the Roof face, so she counters his boring talent with her own creation. Maybe he’ll pay attention to her if she positions herself right under Gigi’s picture.
They’re having one of those parties they’re “known” for. They bring in whoever was on understudy standby at the Bowl, lock them in the basement for a few days, and let them out after the proper, working guests have finished eating and are ready to be entertained.
I’m still not convinced the Tenors were ever released.
Yolanda may be sick of Daveed My Luff’s music, but she’ll be glowing when she brags about it later. I just hope someone is there to tell Taylor to shut the fuck up. That is always the best part.
Is GiGi eating her finger in that picture? Jesus. Feed your children. They’re literally eating themselves.
Ken, our lovable flesh roomba, is over at Villa Petsmart eyeing the midget donkey horses. He usually only farms small dogs to use as wigs, but he looks like he might be considering a mohawk. The horses stand on the edge of the cliff, terrified. To be fair, though, no animal likes the sound of a vacuum.
Kyle comes over, and the sound makes the tiny Spring wig do the opposite of what most dogs do. It leaves the room. HAHAHAH!!
Even dogs know Kyle is the WORST.
I sling a lot of mud at Kyle in these recaps, and most of it centers around wearing her goal bra size instead of her real one. Part of me loves that her evil ass is insecure about her non weight problem, but I think even the most evil of us deserve to look good in our proper size. We should be shitheads over real problems, not body issues. Point is, Kyle is not fat, but I love that she thinks she is.
I am proud (seriously have a tiny tear forming) that this woman is learning something. For the first time, I would like to present Evil Ass Kyle in a properly fitted bra and dress.
And they say progress only appears in political ads.
Lisa and Kyle are both skerd to go to Yolanda’s party. Lisa doesn’t wanna have to try and pick a lock this year to save Pavoratti or whoever, and Kyle doesn’t wanna get yelled at by Bananas Foster. They’re gonna go anyway, cuz it will be fun to count Rinna’s bites.
Time for Yo’s party. It’s at Chile’s instead of Malibu, as David doesn’t want her to peek and get the gate code to the house. He’s wise to her tricks. He’s beebop badoobop-ping in the car. I think that’s the opening of the Candice Olson show, which makes me uncomfortable. I really enjoy hating Daveed My Luff and don’t want to know he watches my favorite show.
Yolanda shrugs out of rhythm and complains about how tired she is. He’s like “uh-huh this song is called WHAT THE F ELSE IS NEW badoopeedoopeedooooo!”
I hope that whoever the “most amazeen talend een da world” that’s performing tonight doesn’t take attention away from Erika. She clearly needs it. There are no words to describe her sashay through the music free restaurant, so here’s a GIF.
Poor new girls always arrive on time. You know that doesn’t get you a second season, right? Kathryn greets Erika with a fake n bake “Theeeere’s the girl!” I can’t wait til Erika wrings her turkey neck for betraying her five minutes after swearing never to betray her. It’s like the Bible. OK it’s not really, but Lord knows these betches are on their knees a lot.
Erika is supes tired cuz she “performed” til 2 AM. Nothing says “last call” like bleeding eardrums. “Live like a rock star,” she bimbo growls. Someday, maybe you’ll sing like one.
She’s tired, which seems to be the theme of the party. I hope there’s a fight about who’s more exhausted, cuz Yolanda’s on fire the past couple of weeks and I need her to yell at someone.
Vanderpump and Kyle are in their own limo. Lisa texted Kim Twitchards a happy bday text and Twitch responded “
⛓⚙
⚒⚔
”. Kyle insists this means Kim’s in a good place, but Lifetime begs to differ.
Kyle doesn’t wanna talk about her sister, you guys, so I’ll pretend she’s not talking about her right now while Vanderpump rolls her eyes.
Over at the restaurant, Kathryn is telling Erika about the “I have da keys of da vauld” fight, and compares Vanderpump to Switzerland. Erika now hates cheese with holes in it.
Lisa and Kyle drag their asses to the table and gurgle Awesome Blossom sauce. Yoli walks in with her Fiddler on the Roof brown makeup and a little gloss. She’s found enough strength to carry diamonds on her ear though. TAKE THAT, TICK!
Kyle and Lisa both grab her for a “let’s talk later!” whisper, but Vanderpump won’t let her walk away. Yo insists that they do this later, and even offers to come over to Villa Donkey for tea. It’s a trick so she can blame your new midget donkey horse children for her next round of InvisiLyme! DON’T DO IT!
Lisa says emphatically that she has never, will never, won’t ever, shan’t ever say that Yolanda poisoned her non GiGis. Yolanda whines “I wanna beleef dat!” Lulz. There’s nothing as invigorating as the stubborn nature of a stupid person.
Yo starts crying a bit, which makes me…why lie? I don’t care. Vanderpump asks what her deal is, but Yo won’t admit to the salties so Vanderpump shrugs and tells us “I wondah what has propelled Yolander to tears…” What part of “I’m currendly andz foreverz dying of 379 uncurable deseezez” didn’t you hear?
Eileen’s next in, and she’s still pissed about the whole “apologize the way I want you to” non fight with Vanderpump. She says she’ll just pretend nothing happened because she can hear twitter yawning from there. Instead, she’ll start some shit between someone else and have them go at Lisa. Oh girls, if you’re gonna go after Vanderpump, please do it properly. No one has been able to do it yet, and it’s more exhausting than trying to find a Ridalin scrip in a stack of trapper keepers at Yo’s place.
Eileen calls Kathryn, who’s busy telling YoYo that she doesn’t like wussy women, over. “I usually don’t come when people call out my name like that,” Kathryn shouts. Cuz she’s strong, or something. Call Kathryn over how she wants to be called over, k? Kathryn has more rules than a family with legit lineage in England gets. Eileen cues her up for her storytelling session for the whole table.
She wants Kathryn to repeat all of Erika’s Cinnabon/Boxing Day comments to the table, so she does. Rinna laughs like she just found the toy in her Cracker Jack box.
“She doesn’t even know her!” Yeah but she’s on this show cuz of Yo and it’s her duty to hate on who Yo tells her. It’s called paying for your slot, people.
Down the table, Vanderpump is pulling Erika over. Erika gets that look like she’s just been asked to do the helicopter on Rickles for a couple hours to earn her lease payment.
Lisa asks why she told Kathryn not to get tangled in her web. Erika is taken aback, cuz she just joined the Sisterhood of the Travelling Crotchless Panties with Kathryn and has already been betrayed. To us: “Fucking cunt.” HA! Damn! I thought the c word was all about women empowerment and stuff, lady.
Erika smiles big and says she just meant that Vanderpump is influential. As this isn’t a Chamber of Commerce meeting, Lisa waves that off. She says Erika seems like a strong enough woman and shouldn’t be easily influenced. Erika is backpeddling a bit, so Lisa presses. Did Erika ask Kathryn if Lisa told her to ask how long Erika’s been friends with Yolanda?
Jesus these petty ass fights are really hard to follow sometimes, and I just want you to understand that I feel as stupid describing them as you do reading about them.
Erika DOES think that Lisa planted the question in Kathryn’s head. It’s just too much of a coincidence that Lisa asked her about the length of her friendship with Yo and then Kathryn asked, too! Cut to them both asking how long she’s known Yo. HA HA. Good Lord.
As I’m already wasting my adulthood on this show, I feel it’s my duty to point out that when asked, Erika sounded like a babbling liar. Her friendship with Yo has gone from “one of my best friends” to “we know each other” to “we’re couple friends, so we see each other on and off.”
Lisa tries not to roll her eyes and asks what the big deal is with asking a simple question like that. Would Erika like to know how long Yo has known Lisa? No, cuz Erika doesn’t care. OK, but that doesn’t make it an awful thing for you to ask, ya dumbass. Next season, Vanderpump asks someone if they’re enjoying the weather and gets decapitated on national tv.
Erika is back on guard and ready to rumble. She lays it out plainly. “You’re trying to discredit my relationship with Yolanda. That’s the truth.”
Got her. Lisa groans and insists that’s untrue, but she’s lying. You know cuz she does her touching-the-neck tell thing. She’d lose a lot in poker.
Finally. Someone explained exactly what they’re thinking and caught her shady ass. Now yes, this fight is fucking stupid, but Lisa can’t just shrug it off when it’s spelled out. Unfortunately, Eileen is too busy starting another useless drama to get some schooling.
Erika tells us that Lisa doesn’t like her friendship with Yolanda. No, but close. She doesn’t like that Yolanda got some fame whore a job on TV and is pretending to be her best friend so that she’ll have a young scrappy betch fighting her battles for her. Lisa WAS questioning the relationship. Because it’s obviously fake and you’re lying about it and smacking down people you don’t even know to get off the leather bar circuit.
On the other hand, Erika is right in calling Vanderpump out in acting like she was asking innocent questions when she was really saying “Please stop defending an obviously crazy woman when you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about or who you’re talking to, whore child.”
Erika rolls her eyes and turns away before Lisa can launch into her “Do you know how much Ken and I have done for you dahling?” victim speech.
Erika approaches Kathryn and lets her admit that she tattled. Erika said they were speaking in confidence with a team of cameramen on TV, and Kathryn says that it’s on Erika because everyone knows Kathryn will repeat anything. Okaaay. “There’s a rule. If you don’t want me to repeat it, tell me ‘don’t repeat it.’”
If Kathryn’s always wide open moron eyes didn’t confirm her stupidity to you the first time on camera, this episode has made it official.
This show over any other in the franchise is about fights over NOTHING. It’s the Seinfeld of the Real Housewives Universe, and they’re on a roll tonight. Rinna pesters Eileen to tell her why she’s “maaad at meeeee!”
Eileen doesn’t like Rinna’s disapproval of Erika’s “Vanderpump’s a spider” comment. “You know she can be manipulative. Why are you afraid of Lisa Vanderpump?”
Um, when has Vanderpump ever manipulated Eileen? Or Erika? Or Yolanda? Or Rinna? Brandi, yes, but Brandi just did her dirty work for airtime. Besides, Eileen’s fight with Vanderpump isn’t about manipulation, no matter how many times Eileen uses the word.
The fight is about Lisa saying shitty things in an innocent way and trying to call out Eileen out for being a homewrecker in public without ever saying the words. Figure out what the hell you’re mad about and get back to us. Or get a storyline that makes sense. It’s your second season and you’ve got nothing, so I’ll offer suggestions. Scenes at a vagina waxer. Pretend fear of flying. Shit. I’d love to see you fighting with the loan offers at the Indian Casinos trying to get Vince more markers. ANYTHING.
The party is moved to the basement for the very special performance by the mystery guest. It’s Andrea Bocelli singing Ave Maria. WOW! It’s really difficult to get someone to perform for this many Real Housewives at once that won’t recoil at the site of their faces. Even the blind dude needs to invoke the Holy Mother in this room.
I’m better.
This scene isn’t about Kyle’s money or her sister yet, so let’s watch her make it about both. She lifts her diamonds to the cameras, sits in front of her zillion dollar purse and pretends to cry. “My mom said she’ll sends me signs, and this is a sign to text Kim.” HAHAHAHAH! The. WORST. Only Kyle would hear a religious song and relate it to iMessage.
Vanderpump wants to ask Andrea how long he’s known Yolanda but she stops herself.
Rinna’s kid is getting her whiny kid’s tonsils ripped out. Please stop your moaning in the scene right after the blind guy scene. Rinna worries about accidental tonsil death. It’s hard being married to an actor and they need the kid’s weekend toast money.
This scene seems boring as hell, but it’s kind of amazing. Rinna is going out of her way to show a kid sick with a legit medical issue at a legit doctor and even makes sure Doc explains to us exactly what’s wrong in medical non quack turns. A boring scene can be a beautiful “fuck you” if you look at it right.
Kyle is at home microwaving dinner for Portia. For the first time this season, she has an entertaining scene. Unfortunately, she’s not in that part.
This is for Kim’s house, betch!
Kyle went to see Twitch and they made up. She’s sure to let the Hiltons know it was Mauri’s idea so she can snag him an invite to Nicky’s third Wedding/Merger.
The editors warn us it’s a Yolanda scene before we see her.
Oh, Erika’s here, too.
Please don’t ask Yolanda how she’s fee…too late. “I am like a horze. You know, a horze in da…how do you say een Eenglijh….”
Stable?
“No…da box dat da horze…”
Pen?
“No…eed’s whare da horze is een box of da teeng.”
A STABLE GODDAMIT. Erika answers “I have race horses but I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ah, Erika. Another mention of all that money you didn’t make. I would love to see her and Kyle in a boast-off about their husbands’ money.
Yolanda tries to not get jeal that David will only buy her one horse. Eileen arrives dressed like a Mervyn’s model, complete with a diaper bag that looks like a trashcan. Bless her poor heart.
She immediately starts shit talking. She likes Vanderpump, of course, cuz she’s funny and stuff. But what a web spinner! And can you believe how that Rinna stood up for her, a woman she’s known and partied with for a few years, over Erika, some new straw headed ho living off an ancient rich dude that trips on his own taint? THE NERVE!
They all agree that Kathryn’s the biggest asshole of the bunch for repeating what Erika said. Yolanda tells us that it’s varee eempordan for da womeen to keeb secrets. If you don’t, you won’t be able to threaten those friends with the secrets over lunch when someone pisses you off.
Erika is making her Smart People Gestures to help sound like she knows what she’s talking about as she rails against Vanderpump. She LIKES being compared to Bobby Fisher!! She LIKES feeling “formidable”! Yeah, so? Those are both good things to be compared to and called. SHE LOVES A COMPLIMENT! STONE HER! Erika is adamant. “I said it. That’s how I FEEL!”
Yo knows Lisa, but she’s never been close with her. “I take it on da face value.” No one knows what that means, as there are varying values on the faces of this cast. Erika’s a Groupon surgery type, Kyle’s face is probably valued at the Jag level. Non specificity was probably what Yo’s going for, anyway.
As Yolanda, a woman with no real friends that we can tell, talks to pay for play friend Erika (who’s got no friends that she doesn’t pay for) and Eileen (who works too hard paying off her stolen husband’s debts to have real friends) talk about how to build a real friendship….
Vanderpump’s real friend has built her a house. For her midget donkeys, but still. Mohammed and his child bride bring the tiny pink house to Villa PoopFactory and they all hug. Shiva exclaims “I want that house for myself!” Oh hon. You’ll hit your forties. Don’t worry. MoHam will have you in some glued together box soon enough.
Yolanda in Foul Balls Park trying to say “stable” while her ex laughs with her enemy about the stable he built her is pure fucking art.
Kathryn has lunch with her sisters, and describes her family as one that strives for “normalcy.” Zzzzzz.
Talk turns to their mom, who has early signs of dementia. Kathryn doesn’t get the problem. So she forgets stuff! At least it’s not her hips! The sisters explain that not remembering things or people or where even the fuck you are can be depressing. Kathryn shrugs. Yes, it’s a little annoying that mom keeps asking Kathryn where OJ is over and over, but meh.
A sister sadly tells a story of mom facetiming her, forgetting that they had just spoken. Well at least she knows how to properly use facetime! Dementia is officially less harmful than LymeBrain.
Kathryn tells us that she’s just like her mom and definitely her daughter, as if a mushy brain is something you’re born with.
Twitch is back!! She’s going over to Kyle’s to get icy victim stares. She’s brought a purse big enough to steal all of their mother’s silver back.
Kim is looking great, and Kyle is looking worried that she might have left her Adderall out. Kyle is a bit icy, telling us that it’s way easier for Kim to pretend nothing has happened. It’s hard for Kyle to be fake, you guys. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Kyle immediately asks Twitch if she’s been talking to Brandi. Way to make this positive, Kyle. Kim brushes her off and says that she talks to Brandi sometimes and sees her rarely. Kyle snaps that she knows whenever Kim and Brandi see each other in real life cuz Brandi insists on tweeting it. She also tweets pictures of herself picking her nose and pictures of people moving her couches. Who cares?
KYLE CARES. “Why does she have to do that?” It doesn’t take long for her to switch to the guilt move. She wants to trust that Twitch is really sober this time. “What’s the guarantee?”
Twitch cries and twitches that there is none. Still crying, she tells us “I might just be hard to love.”
AWWWWW!! TWITCH!! You’re extremely easy to love, lady. Just stop showing up three hours late to stuff and then getting threatening after sniffing meth remnants off hotel bathroom floors.
I go up and down with Twitch. She’s hilarious. An addict, of course, but who here isn’t? Raise your hands. That’s what I thought. Mine is down, too. The issue isn’t her addiction, it’s finding fault in everyone’s reaction to her instead of taking responsibility for her actions. I can forgive a lot, but making me side with Kyle? No. That will always burn.
One thing Twitch will always have going for her is that she’s authentic. Authentically nuts? Yeah ok, but authentic is authentic. She’s one of the only Housewives that can legit cry and mean it, as she’s demonstrating right now.
Kyle does the usual wah this is about me thing while Kim tries to wait for her to take a pee break before stealing the remote control and whatever boxed wine is in the fridge.
Twitch wants to try being sisters again, and says that in order for that to happen they need to keep their problems away from “the others.” Cut to flashbacks of Rinna shaking her head at the reunion while Kyle and Kim screeched at each other. “That’s scary voice, right there.” HAHA
I’m sure it was easier when there weren’t cast members and a TV audience getting in the middle of shit. Twitch could be an addict and do whatever she wanted and Kyle would ignore it as a tradeoff for adjacent fame and trust accounts set up for her by Large Marge Senior (their mom) with Kim’s money.
Kyle is fine keeping your secrets if you’ve got enough cash. She could have spilled a dozen Hilton loads by now, but Large Marge (Kathy) is the richest so Kyle stays silent. Now, though, Twitch is broke and all bets are off. Kyle has to scrap for her money just like the rest of these awful people. I suggest you try asking Kyle to be a better sister once this show is off the air.
Next week, the gang shows up at Habitat for Humanity to teach poor people how to bang old rich dudes so they don’t have to live in low income housing and Don Rickles kicks Kathryn’s idiotic ass out of his retirement mansion. See you then!
I co-host the Watch What Crappens podcast twice a week. Find it on iTunes Sticher Soundcloud or any other podcast app. I’m on twitter @RonnieKaram, so feel free to talk it out.