Great, a show about the worst of America venturing out to represent us abroad! What could possibly go wrong?
Each of the three guides serve a purpose and for two of them, that purpose seems to be hotness. Sandhurst is just a mannequin with moving pecs, while Rachel has just escaped a stint as Dexter’s girlfriend.
Jared, from Dallas, thinks he’s funny, but he’s in finance, so we all know he’s a garbage human.
Twins! They’ve been apart for a year or two, so they feel disconnected and are hoping to regain their relationship by being disrespectful to other cultures together. This will go well.
Brothers from Georgia! A gift from the TV gods. One actually yells out, “Yeah, Bro: Camels!” The other Brosef wants to discover if other countries are full of terrorists like Fox News tells him they are. At least he’s inquisitive.
Married gay dancer left his husband behind to discover himself or some bullshit. This marriage will def last, y’all.
Middle-aged interracial couple from Chicago are…interracial. That seems to be their hook. They think they’re a wacky sitcom. We shall see what terrors they turn out to be.
A former model with PSF (Plastic Surgery Face) seems dumb, but she’s still a looker nonetheless. Still wouldn’t recommend her surgeon.
The Bros are impressed by a large wooden door that leads to their palace hotel, while Jared immediately dreams of fucking the twins. He lacks a poker face.
Two Vegas ladies are delayed at the airport and will join the group later. People from Vegas: I just got shivers; this will be a boon to viewers who love schadenfreude.
None of these people appear to be bright, so there’s hope for a real train wreck.
PSF is already working out. I don’t think she even unpacked a damn bag. Thank god she has her Beats.
Married Gay Dancer spots “Ebony and Ivory” and decides the husband doesn’t look like someone who likes black women. I have no words. This is his only contribution to the episode, besides checking out his tour-mates dicks later on. Not a joke, folks!
The guides stand to speak. When Rachel introduces herself and fails to find words to finish her sentence, Gay Dancer shouts out that she is gorgeous. When Pecs speaks, no one takes the time to reinforce his good looks. Gee, that’s so surprising. It’s so nice when people value women for the truly important stuff.
Younger Bro is excited to take this trip, because he was a teen dad and has seen nothing of this world. This is not a shocking revelation.
Twin Jenna is 29, but methinks she has lived a hard life. That’s a rough 29, girl!
Husband and Wife (Jetta…yes, she’s named after a Volkswagon) are on trip because he had a nearly fatal accident, so now they just want to LIVE!
Sad, old Jenna eats the same thing everyday and can’t handle new foods. She seems like fun.
The rotund husband (from Chicago, home of sausage and deep dish) tell PSF that she should eat a hamburger. We all know, if you want nutritional advice, you listen to a fat fuck from the Midwest.
One of the twins hates Jared, so obviously, she will fuck him.
On their first day, the group is going to a Hammam, where they will get naked and have someone bathe them. Everyone is down, but Husband announces that his wife has urgent “work”. This clearly means that she is insecure with her body and doesn’t want to take part. I shit you not: she shows up later in what appears to be a knee-length swim-skirt and short sleeve top (a swim-top?). I should note that she is a somewhat attractive woman and her big production of being cool with herself, when she clearly isn’t drives me nuts. If you’re uncomfortable, be uncomfortable. Live your truth!
Vegas chicks see the hotel and think they are about to live out Sex and the City II. This is unsurprising coming from a woman on her 13th engagement. 
The fellas have no qualms getting naked. The only issue for one of the bros seems to be avoiding an erection. Hang in there, stud.
PSF decides this relaxing communal spa experience is a good time to bring up Jetta’s husband’s hamburger comment. Jetta denies that the incident ever happened. Oooook. PSF makes a good point, “If you get to talk about how we should all appreciate your image, I’m not going to let it slide that your hubby doesn’t appreciate mine.” For once in my life, I side with the model.
Later, the tour group is heading to the souk and tries to wear shorts. Brandon, head guide, tells her to cover up. Meanwhile, almost all of the men are wearing tank tops. SLUTS!
PSF glares at the married couple as they canoodle and then decides to bring up the hamburger issue in the van. Husband Jeff thinks he’s a comedian. His wife is clearly a creepy svengali as she whispers in his ear and insists he never said anything in the first place. She raises her voice to what is supposed to be a soothing and coercive lady-pitch, but PSF isn’t having that shit. Brandon calmly squashes the issue.
Interestingly, some of the women cover their hair and some do not. Seeing the crowd, it would appear not to matter.
Brandon brings the Bros and Jared to a 600 year-old bread oven to sample bread that will later go to all the restaurants in the town square. A Bro tips the bread-maker and Jared dies of embarrassment, because it wasn’t a hundy.
PSF wants to buy her eleven year-old son a knife and Twin Jenna disapproves of her life choices. No one cares, Jenna!
Meanwhile, Twin Misty cries because she can’t handle people, crowds, or life in general.
Bro announces that he “wants to eat a snake”, because he’s seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of doom dozens of times.
The Vegas women can’t handle new foods, much like Twin Jenna, and act like rude Americans in the town square.
The Bros eat snails like pros. These fellas are growing on me.
Jared makes a play for Twin Misty with a thoughtful gift, but we all see through his act of kindness: we know his douche level is at max capacity (as evidenced by the scarf he wears in his interviews).
The next morning, Jared works out in the most awesome tube socks. He has a chat with Twin Jenna in the pool and it’s clear he’s going to make a play for both twins.
Coming up this season: The Maldives, Sri Lanka, Kenya, Japan, screaming on a bus in front of strangers…I can’t wait to see these assholes go to Kenya.