I’m not ready for this.
Hi Trashiis! It’s been a while. This is my first time recapping fiction, so bear with me. I specifically asked for this show because I knew it was going to be so terrible we wouldn’t want to miss recapping it. Now that the show has been renewed for a second season, I am starting to think that maybe I died and am experience my own personal hell. Well, onto the recap! We start with the original theme song of the show and a time skip to 29 years later. The first half of the episode is basically entrances of characters to clapping from the audience. They must have held some poor people hostage and forced them to cheer at gunpoint because there is no way in hell anyone was excited about seeing Dave Coulier or Jodie Sweetin. Jesse has DJ’s baby dressed in an Elvis onesie, because that’s Full House character development for you. Joey brings out a Bullwinkle impression, so current and hilarious!
This has to be child endangerment, right?
Rebecca is the only one of the adults who still looks great, and she must own a TARDIS. Rebecca says she’s exhausted, and Jesse think his penis had something to do with it. Sorry, Jesse, she’s tired from walking down the stairs. And we have our first butt joke, courtesy of Jesse. DJ walks in, and she is just as grating as she was as a kid. Danny and Rebecca sill work together and they’re starting a national morning show. Dude, don’t tell me someone with Danny Tanner’s work ethic was able to continue to be a crappy morning show host for 30 years. Fuller House must exist on a dystopian reality.
Joey and Danny being gay would improve this show so, so much.
Jesse is the new music composer for General Hospital. This actually kind of fits, since Jesse’s overly retro, saccharine style of music makes total sense on an eternally-running soap opera. Stephanie shows up, and I like how they gave her the most unbelievable career as an international DJ so that we can all try to forget Jodie Sweetin’s meth addiction. She’s apparently stuck in a British accent, and they run that joke for so long. She asks for Michelle, and these fucking people make a fourth-wall breaking joke about “Michelle” being in New York to run her fashion empire. Um, no. Just because the Olsen twins are the only cast members from this ridiculous TV show to have enough self-respect not to hop on to this fast-moving train wreck, doesn’t mean you get to act all snooty about it. It’s not like you couldn’t cast literally anyone to play Michelle. Seriously, how many blonde, desperate, shitty actresses are there?
None of you D-Listers have earned the right to be so smug about the Olsen twins.
Oh, wait, did I say Stephanie’s job was the most unbelievable? Sorry, I meant Joey’s. You’re telling me that anyone in Las Vegas is interested in a bottom of the barrel standup comedian whose material consists of puppetry (with plenty of wood “puns”) and horrible, dated impressions? Nope, not even the drunkest people in Vegas want to see that. My new head canon is that Joey is homeless and does his bits on the street corner in front of the Venetian.
Since the show wasn’t able to get their top set of twins, we instead have to settle for Nicky and Alex, played by the original kids. By the way, their acting credits include Full House and Fuller House. They are not actors. They were barely cute babies. Why are they here? Who asked for a Nicky and Alex comeback? The only good part about their inclusion in the show is that Jesse has raised even bigger failures than himself. That takes some talent. Jesse comments on how good everyone looks, and I really hope that was a joke. It’s hard to tell with these people.
Nicky and Alex’s only positive contribution to this show was to injure Jesse.
Kimmy shows up. I will say that Kimmy was the least bad part of the original show, but I have no hope that she will improve this shit show. She says she’s having an “antacid flashback” because she’s never dropped acid. Ugh… you people couldn’t be whiter if you tried. Kimmy is an event planner now, sure, whatever. Stephanie announces that she will be spinning for the party, as DJ Tanner. There’s a whole exchange between Stephanie and DJ about who’s the real DJ Tanner. Stop. She tries to give DJ’s kids some “hot club” mixes from London. DJ asks if they have any references to drugs, sex, and violence (did Candace Cameron write this episode? Wouldn’t be a day ending in Y without her inserting her evangelical beliefs into everything she touched). DJ’s middle kid, Max?, says he knows “the bad words,” including darn, booger, and Donald Trump. I’m dying and I still have 29 minutes to go. Kimmy puts her feet on the table, which causes Stephanie to regain her American accent by dropping the first old catchphrase, “How rude.” Good job, writers, you almost made it to the 8 minute mark before you started with these. Hold onto your hats, because there will be many more of those old beauties to come.
Stephanie’s face is mine watching this show.
After the opening credits, Stephanie shows off her gigantic boobs, and asks DJ what she thinks. DJ/Candace is horrified. Stephanie is uncomfortable with the baby. DJ notes that her husband died in his job as a fireman. That is truly depressing (wasn’t Kirk Cameron a firefighter in one of those awful Christian movies a few years ago? DJ asks Stephanie if she wants to settle down, but Stephanie thinks that’s boring. They start reminiscing on when they stayed in that bedroom together, directly referencing an old episode of Full House. Stephanie rips the curtains, and the dads all come out to see what happened. The girls blame each other, and I could seriously be recapping any Full House episode right now, and it would go the same way. Jesse drops his old catchphrase, “have mercy.” Oh, but it’s out of context, get it? Aren’t they hilarious? (Nope)
Stephanie’s boobs are so oppressive, I have lost the ability to make jokes.
The dads starting patting themselves in the back about what a good job they did. I mean, if the Tanner kids turned out in any way decent (they didn’t, but hypothetically), it’s despite who they were raised by, not as a result of it. Danny thanks Jesse and Joey for their sacrifice. Uh, what sacrifice? They lived in a giant house in San Francisco for free, in exchange for a half-assed attempt at babysitting. Sign me up for that sacrifice. DJ’s baby Tommy starts crying, and Joey tries to comfort him with his terrible woodchuck puppet. I am disgusted and so is Tommy.
Is Joey a terrorist? That would explain a lot.
Downstairs, Danny is greeted by a woman he calls Mrs. Tanner. She is at least 20 years younger than him and extremely attractive, and this must have been written into Bob Saget’s contract, because there is no fucking way this is real. In universe, I’m going to assume that Danny kidnapped this woman and she is displaying symptoms of Stockholm syndrome. Nicky and Alex tell their parents that they’re moving back in with them after college, and both Jesse and Rebecca do a spit-take, which is quickly cleaned up by Max, who apparently inherited Danny’s clean-freak gene. Danny compliments him for cleaning at “housekeeper-level” when he uses Febreeze and a paper towel. Ugh, this shit is why the Tanners are so bad for the universe. Febreeze is not for cleaning. Don’t compliment the kid for a half-assed job, Danny.
That poor woman.
The doorbell rings, and in walk Ramona, Kimmy’s daughter, and Fernando, Kimmy’s ex-husband. Fernando has the worst Spanish accent of all time. I think he’s supposed to be Cuban. Hell, here I am assuming the writers even know there is a distinction in different Latin American countries. He’s so stereotypical, it’s almost painful to listen to him. He calls her Kimmy Hhhibler.
Did somebody ask for a walking stereotype?
We have to pretend that Stephanie is a real DJ, so she brings out New Kids on the Block. Ugh, that’s too far to be retro, Steph. All the women in the room (except Danny’s kidnapping victim) get together to dance to “You Got It.” I’m sorry, but I am positive Ramona would not even know who that band was, let alone any choreographed moves involved. And in case you thought the cheesy entrances were over, you were mistaken, because here comes DJ’s old boyfriend Steve (aka Aladdin). I’m already calling it (not having seen anything except this episode): Steve is the new/old love interest. He has a dog named Comet, because he never grew up.
What happened to you, Rebecca Donaldson? Who hurt you?
Rebecca tries to snatch DJ’s baby. Stephanie bullies Jesse into singing his shitty song, “Forever.” The number of people who wanted to hear this song again is negative. Danny tries to sing “Wild Thing,” but we are mercifully spared. There’s some boring scene with the kids that doesn’t even deserve describing. DJ and Steve talk about how it’s so shocking that they didn’t wind up together (it’s not), but I notice a chore chart in the back that is just riddled with DJ’s name. Aren’t chore charts for kids? Why does DJ need to know when she’s doing things?
I think Jesse just caught sight of Stephanie’s boobs.
The next morning, Kimmy stops by to check on how the party went, and she tells Danny that she used to spy on him from her room. She tells Ramona to make herself at home. Oh no! DJ’s baby has an ear infection and Steve shows up with a dog in labor? How will DJ do everything in a house full of adults? DJ successfully delivers the puppies, and Max asks for one. DJ the vet doesn’t want a puppy. Seriously, I would never trust a vet who doesn’t have any pets.
Kimmy’s necklace is *this* close to being ingested.
Jesse and Rebecca are getting ready to leave, and Jesse gets distracted by a plate of fried chicken. Of course. Rebecca is carrying all the bags while Jesse eats, and how has someone as hot as Rebecca not divorced Jesse’s ass by now. He’s attractive for his age, but he is so fucking useless. Joey shows up with an ugly T-shirt, and drops his amazing catchphrase, “Cut it out.” How did I survive this long without hearing that one again?
Rebecca, run. Ditch the motherfucking asshole already.
Rebecca continues to try to snatch DJ’s baby. The adults all overhear DJ having a breakdown in the baby’s room, and not one of them goes upstairs to help her out. Nope, they listen to the whole thing, and then pretend they care by saying that they’ll stay in San Francisco, except Jesse’s selfish ass. Stephanie tells them no, she will give up her non-job to move in with DJ and help out. Kimmy jumps in. She’s moving in too. Oh, man, this is just like the last show, except it’s three ladies raising three boys. What a clever switcheroo, said no one. And Danny’s going let the ladies freeload at his house!
Now everyone is distracted by Stephanie’s boobs.
The baby starts crying, and Joey jumps in to comfort him by singing the Flintstones theme song with the Dads and the girls. In case you didn’t remember that this exact same scene happened in the original show, the producers have split the screen with both scenes side-by-side. This is how dumb they think their audience is. Considering the show’s been renewed, maybe their expectations are on the mark. Rebecca tries to steal the baby one last time before leaving. The Dads all leave, and the baby starts crying again, so we get a repeat of the Flintstones within 30 seconds of the first one. Kill me now.
I don’t care about this, but I need an explanation for the Joey mannequin behind him in left scene.
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