Hello hatrashy People, thanks for coming back to read about these fools for another week. Let’s get things going. Kwame got eliminated last week, and remaining contestants were like duh, cause frozen waffles. At least they didn’t congratulate Marge on her vagina again this week. We also get some family shit, mainly Isaac talking about how much he loves his kids. You can tell I have a disappointing maturity level for my age because when Isaac said, “Oh god, the first time I held my eldest daughter, man, I got this biiig, huuuge…” boner! I thought. “Rush of emotions,” was the correct answer. Whatever, the words big and huge together will always be associated with boners in my mind, and that’s a good thing.
The rest of that scene was pretty boring, I just don’t care that some chefs are also parents, move on. So quickfire, the chefs are still in San Fran and they go to a place called Commissary. Chef Traci Des Jardin is the owner and of course one of the other chefs comes in talking head style to tell us who she is. Honestly, who can keep up with all the famous chefs of the world? I can’t imagine all professions are like this. I bet if you’re like a really great banker you don’t have a clue who invented the ATM and look up to him/her like, woah! (I obviously don’t know what bankers actually do. Money stuff?)
Regardless of who this woman is, apparently she wants them to make her toast, so that is the quickfire challenge. Padma tells us that toast started here in San Fransisco and has swept the nation. Ok, first of all the toast thing has been over for like years, so no don’t do this challenge.
Secondly, I listened to a radio story/podcast (don’t remember which) a while back about the woman who really started this craze. She had some health problem that meant sometimes, all she could eat was like toast, grapefruit and coffee (or something like that). And she was also super poor, but she managed to open this tiny shack where that’s all she served, and local people liked it because it was affordable and simple. But the place they’re at is the antithesis of a ramshackle shed frequented by dirty old, half-homeless hippies. It’s sooo on-trend with its design, it’s adding a bunch of things to toast, and it’s just so full of shit. Top Chef, if you could have Business Guy come in and decide last week’s winner based on menu formatting, why not bring in the woman who actually started this craze? Just be cool Top Chef, don’t be all…uncool.
Top Chef jumping on the Toast Craze is about as cool as your mom getting an Twitter account in 2016.
Anyway, instead we have some woman with her stupid restaurant explaining the pleasures of toast. I’m not going to waste time writing about it, because I bet if there is one Top Chef delicacy you don’t need me to explain to you, it’s toast. The winner of this challenge just gets a really expensive oven (which, I know they’re chefs, but also whatever), no immunity, and the 2 worst toast makers will face off in a sudden death challenge where one person really will be eliminated. Padma emphasized this, like, I’m serious guys!
You can guess what comes next: frantic kitchen scenes, of course. This episode for some reason, everyone looks a little extra crazy in these scenes, I think it’s because they’re all stressed but know they’re supposed to be talking, so they’re hunched over their bread slicing and toasting and mumbling at the counter. I think if you actually walked in and they were all talking to their various breads, you would think a bunch of people just escaped the local institution, came to this restaurant and desperately started making the only food even they are capable of making, toast. That’s what crazy people do, mumbles and toast, right? (My knowledge of mental illness is limited.)
Here’s the breakdown:
Jeremy: Chicken Liver Mousse, Pickled Cherries, White Raspberries, Jalapeno & Arugula on Ciabatta.
Marjorie: Sourdough Baguette with Pancetta Fennel Marmalade & Dungeness Crab Salad.
Amar: Foie Gras & Duck Breast, Fig Marmalade, Balsamic Truffle Glaze & Prosciutto on Raisin Sourdough.
Carl: Grilled Sourdough with Burrata, Blistered Cherry Tomatoes & Shrimp
Isaac: Butter Fried Ciabatta & Roasted Pepper Spread
This week the winner was Jeremy, his response to the news was embarrassing; “Yesss!!! uhhhnngg.” That’s my best effort to approximate the weird grunty noise he made.
The losers this week were Carl and Amar. Marjorie breathed an audible sigh of relief. Amar’s dish was too heavy according to Traci. I mean Amar, seriously dude, you gave this San Fran fake hippie, foodie, yuppie judge a heavy carb topped with heavy fatty things. Of course she didn’t like it. And Carl, just because you saw someone in Italy mix cheese and seafood once, that doesn’t automatically make it a good idea. Especially during a sudden death quickfire. Also, they brought Tom in to judge, because shit’s getting real you guys.
So the chefs take off running around the kitchen. Carl decided he is going to play it safe by going back to his “old friend” the crudo. Meanwhile, Amar tells us he knows that crudos have come out on top this season, but he is here to cook, so that’s what he’s going to do. There is a lot of hooting and hollering by the other 3 judges on the sidelines. At one point Margie tells Isaac to shut up, and it makes me so thankful she is still here. Finally, time is called.
Amar: Pan-Roasted Sea Bream, Watermelon, Radish Plum Yuzu Brown Butter & Pickled Mushrooms
Carl: Thai Snapper, Crudo, Corn, Nectarines, Chilis, Yellow Tomato & Rice Wine Vinegar
After trying Amar’s dish, P was like, have you ever worked with these flavors before? And Amar says not with plums. Then when she tried Carl’s shit, she was like, another crudo huh? Hmm.
Next, Padma announced that each judge would vote (publicly) for the winner and loser will go home. Jesus Top Chef, can you think of anything else to drag this out just a little longer?
Padma: Carl-Padma liked the heat.
Tom: Amar-Since they both chose fish Tom felt this was a challenge about fish and that Carl did too much. So, although Amar’s fish was under-seasoned, he liked it better.
Traci: Carl-Traci thought his dish was delicious.
And with that, Amar had to go. You can tell he was really surprised, I was too. Carl, how did you make it this far? I guess there is power in being completely forgettable for like 13 episodes.
Next we move on to elimination. P introduces Hubert Keller, Jeremy tells us he is a legend. Tom tells us he hosted the first ever quickfire challenge at his restaurant Fleur de Lys. Apparently he just closed the restaurant, but for one night he is allowing them to re-open it. So the elimination challenge is: Create a Tribute Dish to Send-Off Fleur de Lys.
On top of that, Hubert has invited all of the chefs to the restaurant for a dinner that he will prepare. The chefs are really pumped. As a viewer, I am moderately interested. The chefs spend some time looking at Hubert’s past menus. Carl spends a lot of time talking about himself and his decision on which dish to cook. Marjorie says the dish he wants to make is like a 3 day process when she is giving her interview, but when talking to Carl, she says if someone can pull that off, it’s you. Hahah, Margie, you shady as fuck girl, and I appreciate you.
Next the gang heads to the grocery store. There’s a lot of filler talk of who is making what. Basically, Carl is making his ish, Jeremy is taking more of a fly by the seat of your pants approach, Marjorie is making a simple lamb dish, and Isaac is worried that everyone else has more classical French training than he does.
Is there a more obnoxious way to behave as an adult in the grocery store?
They finally finish shopping, get dressed up and head to Fluer De Lys. Marjorie says it’s beautiful inside, like 1950s France, then she says it’s like a jewel box and she feels like a princess. That’s cool, honestly everything looks super brown, red, and boring to me. I’m not a classy person, so maybe I’m missing the point, but I get stuffy, pompous vibes from the place that would make me immediately want to leave. That said, the dish that he serves them looks like something my grandma makes which is exactly the opposite of pretentious. So all in all it’s a mixed bag for me. Speaking of that dish, it’s sort of a veggie, meat casserole served in a clay pot. Hubert says something about how the meats were marinated overnight and it’s super authentic.
What is this lid? Is that bread baked around the lid, or am I just having a fever dream?
I like it. It looks like peasant food, which is by far my favorite type of food to eat. The food of the masses is always so damn tasty, like cheetos! Only in this case, you know, more historical and homey. Oh yeah, Emeril is there too. He serves them wine and is dressed in peach, which is just inherently funny to me. Jeremy is saying some shit about being in France 150 years ago. Everyone else is busy shoveling food into their mouths. Hubert asks how the competish is going, Carl answers with platitudes and boring words. Then Jeremy asks Hubert how he approaches creating a new dish. This leads to my favorite part of the whole episode.
Seeing Emeril in a peach sweater makes me think he is pursuing grandpa on vacation style
Hubert doesn’t just answer the question directly, he sets a scene first. It’s late at night in the restaurant, maybe midnight, after everyone is gone. I have a glass of wine, and I think about a specific dish on the menu I’m ready to change. Let’s say it’s a lamb dish, so lamb comes in, and I think, I need a spice, I need an excitement, I need a texture. What makes the dish a hook when it comes out in front of the customer. Then I take a piece of paper, and I start drawing. I figure out the placement, where are the bones going to be, the sauce, etc. Then the next day I try it out on the line.
Chef Hubert makes cool drawings of fancy foods.
Wow, this might be the single most interesting moment all season, and it was just an old man talking about doing what he loves to do. No need to bring in supermodels, or washed up ‘90s rappers, or make a stop at a 4-wheeling place in a dessert I’m never going to visit. Top Chef, please give me more of this and less fake contrived “excitement,” please! Then Jeremy says some dumb shit about what he’s going to do tomorrow, I’m gonna bust out a technique that’s soooo old school and respected, man. They’re gonna have to respect me for it. Ok, Jeremy. And with that, the dinner ends.
It’s elimination day. The chefs pile into the kitchen, and we get more scenes of stress. Carl tells us about the Foies Gras dish he is making. He is cooking then chilling it but not curing it. Ok. Jeremy is telling us about his Pomme Souffle, which sounds a lot like fancy potato chips, but that’s fine. Isaac is skinning 7 ducks, then turning the meat into sausage, then stuffing the meat back into the skins and cooking them. So Isaac is making a fancy sausage. Ok. And Marjorie is talking about her technique and artichokes. Meh, I really don’t care. Not because I am not interested in learning, but because we never see enough of their cooking to actually pick up a tip or technique or idea. Since we can’t eat the food and we can’t learn anything, all we’re left with is a bunch of stressed-out chefs talking at their foods. Why is this good TV?
The producers must realize how bored some of us are, because they send Tom and Huber in to ask some questions; unfortunately, they don’t make things any more interesting. They stop at Marge’s station first. Tom asks her if she is nervous, and she says, yep, my hands are shaking right now. As she says so, her voice is also shaking. Pull it together Marge, you’ve come too far with that vagina of yours to fall apart now!
They go to Isaac next and note he is sweating a lot. Tom asks him what it would mean to him to win. The same thing it meant to Marjorie, Tom, the same thing it would mean to every chef: respect, feeling that they have earned a spot at the top, blah blah blah, and other predictable thoughts.
Then they go to Jeremy. He works for Jean George, acclaimed French chef. Apparently, he and Hubert apprenticed together. This makes Jeremy nervous. This makes me want to hit fast forward to the goddamn part where they start serving some food. But then we’d miss Carl telling the judges that he is cautiously optimistic about making a dish in 3 hours that typically takes 3 days. Jesus christ you’re a moron, Carl. Seriously, how did you make it this far? Also serious question, why is this episode dragging so much?
Finally the diners start rolling in. There is a lot of praise of the restaurant, Hubert and what it’s all meant for San Fran. I am sure it’s touching if you’ve ever been, or if you live in San Fran, but I haven’t and don’t. And to be honest, I don’t really give a shit if they serve the food here or in an empty warehouse, let’s just get this goddamn show on the road.
Isaac: Duck Ballotine, Porcini, Beluga Lentils, Broiled Figs & Aged Balsamic Cherry Gastrique.
Everyone agrees that the dish is flavorful and seasoned well, but Tom says it’s dry and needs more sauce. Gail says she would have liked to see a little more refinement, it feels rushed, and Emril says the skin isn’t seared in the right way, he should have cooked it slower. The chef sitting with them from season one looks around like a dope. Oh wow, he was the winner? I watched season one, but I don’t remember a thing apparently.
Marjorie: Roasted Lamb Saddle with Artichoke Puree, Artichoke Barigoule & Roasked Squash, Tomatoes & Olives. Hubert says that this is the type of food he likes, french and colorful. Tom says the artichokes were cooked well, but seasoned poorly. Hubert says the lamb didn’t have enough time to rest (which is funny, since we watched Marjorie in the kitchen a minute prior talking about resting the lamb). The chef from season one sitting with the judges says nothing, again.
Jeremy: Filet De Loup De Mer, Truffle Potato Puree, Pommes Soufflees & Heirloom Tomato. Hubert is impressed with the presentation right away. Emril asks Jeremy what he learned at dinner, obviously Hubert’s bit about how to create a dish. Keep up, Emeril. Padma says, “I really love Jeremy’s dish” in a breathy sex voice I imagine she used to use to get old Salmon Rushdie’s dick hard. It seems a little inappropriate here, but whatever. Gail says the dish really stood out. Tom is impressed with technique. Season One chef says, it feels like a Fleur dish. Hubert agrees, he is again really happy with how it was presented, everything small and delicate and balanced.
Carl: Foie Gras En Gelee with Black Pepper Strawberries & Fines Herbes. As soon as Carl leaves, it’s clear he failed. I think he did this once earlier in the season, where he tried to take a dish that is meant to take days and cook it in a few hours. (Was it with a terrine?) Anyway, no one likes his shit. Hubert says it’s not cured, and so it’s just raw liver really. Season One Chef says doing this dish in 3 hours is just undoable. Gail tries to be nice and says she likes the strawberries and black pepper. Tom says yeah, it was a good salad, but clearly he’s not really impressed. A nice salad is not enough to make the chefs forget that Carl served them raw liver.
The judges discuss how the chefs did. Hubert says they were overwhelmed by the location and nervous to cook for so many important diners, but also says they tried really hard. Tom says they tried too hard. Gail says they obviously respect Hubes, and they make a toast to him. With that, they sit at the judges’ table, and P calls the chefs in.
The winner is obviously Jeremy, because his is the only dish they actually liked. Jeremy is pumped, as usual.
Next they move on to Marjorie. As soon as they say her name, she starts crying. She tells them she took things she loved and combined them in a way that didn’t 100% translate. Hubert says she should have cooked the lamb 45 minutes prior, let it rest, then flashed in in the oven right before she served them. She starts crying all over again and says the mistakes she made were out of fear. Padma tells her if she makes it into the final, it’s only going to get harder. Marjorie says something like it’s a fine line with fear, it pushes her to be better and sometimes it holds her back, but she isn’t going to let it hold her back.
What? No, no, I’m fine. I always burst into fear tears when I hear my name.
Tom moves on to Carl next and is like, dude, how long would you normally spend making the dish you made? Carl says, it takes a few days. Tom is like, yeah. So why would you try to do it in 3 hours, man? Carl says his big chef ego got in the way. And he wanted to take on a risk instead of considering the diner’s experience. I think of Carl as a nobody, and mostly don’t think of him at all. Where did this ego come from? Is this a storyline with him that I missed? Gail isn’t impressed, she says, there’s a reason it takes that long to make. And you’re dumb for thinking you could ignore the one constant in life, time. I mean, she doesn’t say it exactly like that, but you get it. Carl is going home.
Finally, on to Isaac, who says he liked the way his dish came out. Tom says nah dawg, it was dry as fuuuk. You don’t need to use high heat to get a crispy skin. Gail says it didn’t have the finesse he needed. Emeril says good idea, but you missed the mark.
Ultimately, as the judges debate, it becomes clear Marjorie is pretty safe, she made some mistakes but her idea and general dish was fine. Isaac and Carl, less so. Carl’s dish looks like something Hubert would serve, but was gross, and Isaac’s dish had flavor, but was dry and ugly. There’s more debate about which is better, undercooked Foie Gras or over-cooked duck. Hint: neither is good, send them both home. I cannot believe Isaac and Carl have made it this far anyway.
But the judges have kinder hearts than I. Well, all of them except for Padma, who fucks with Marjorie. She’s all like Marjorie, please…and in your mind you’re like, “pack your knives and go home”…but actually P is saying join Jeremy. Padma’s a total asshole, and I like her for it. Marjorie is literally about to have a heart attack, like bitch is actually clutching her heart at that point. Finally we move on to Carl and Isaac. In the end they decide to send Carl home. Ok. Whatever.
And with that, we move on to the finals in Las Vegas. Apparently someone from Last Chance Kitchen is also coming back, because Top Chef can never just let anything go without first dragging it out as long as possible. So that’s something to look forward to. I have to say that, with the exception of Hubert at dinner, this might have been my least favorite episode of the whole season. I guess good news is there’s nowhere to go but up from here, right? God I hope so.
Alright, happy weekend, hope you get tangled up in some fuckery and fun. See you next week!
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