Hi, Trashies! So, The Bachelor is almost over for the season. That means it’s time to watch has-beens and never-weres dance and hope to get some kind of career out of it! So, let’s get to the judging.
First thing’s first. Julianne is out, but LEN IS BACK! LEN IS BACK! LEN IS BACK!
I’ve missed you so much!
On a way sadder note, Tom Bergeron’s mother just passed away. Seriously, can that man just catch a break? For some happier news, Kym Johnson and Robert Herjavec got engaged. Have you noticed that Dancing with the Stars has produced more successful relationships than The Bachelor? Oh, yeah, and Ben will probably be on this show because the most recent Bachelor usually is. I won’t be surprised when that announcement gets made. You know how it goes.
Now for the cast!
Ginger Zee dancing with Val Chmerkovskiy
I have no idea who this is. Google tells me that she’s the weather anchor for Good Morning America and ABC World News Tonight. In other words, she’s on ABC’s payroll already and the show needed a “star.”
Antonio Brown dancing with Sharna Burgess
He plays for the Steelers. With that haircut, I thought he was a life-sized Lego person. He’s dancing with Sharna (my favorite), so I guess I’m rooting for him.
Doug Flutie dancing with Karina Smirnoff
This one is a former football player. For some reason, I have a vivid memory of Flutie Flakes cereal. I never ate it and no one in my childhood home ever bought it. I have no idea how I know it was a thing.
Wayna Morris dancing with Lindsay Arnold
Oh! He was in Boyz II Men. If he doesn’t dance to “Motown Philly,” I’m going to be very disappointed.
Von Miller dancing with Witney Carson
There are lots of athletes this season. At least Von was given a football so we had a slight idea of who he is without having to turn to Google.
Nyle Dimarco dancing with Peta Murgatroyd
He won the final season of American’s Next Top Model and he’s deaf. In other news, America’s Next Top Model only got cancelled this year. I thought that happened ages ago.
Jodie Sweetin dancing with Keo Motsepe
You know, because nostalgia is the name of the game and Fuller House is a thing now. Have any of you actually watched the show? It’s trying way too hard. At least Keo gets to dance with someone who should be good. Jodie has a pretty extensive dance background. Here’s hoping Keo makes it past episode two!
Mischa Barton dancing with Artem Chigvintsev
Ah, yes. Every season there’s at least one person who was a star at some point in their career. How far Ms. Barton has fallen. Most probably remember her from The OC. I’ll always remember her as the vomiting ghost from The Sixth Sense.
Marla Maples dancing with Tony Dovolani
Marla used to be married to Donald Drumpf. That’s what makes her relevant.
Paige VanZant dancing with Mark Ballas
Paige is an MMA fighter. I really hope she beats up Mark. That would make for some good television.
Kim Fields dancing with Sasha Farber
Will Tootie beat out Stephanie Tanner when it comes to the nostalgia vote? At least Kim is dancing with Sasha. We need more of him on this show.
Geraldo Rivera dancing with Edyta Sliwinska
Remember when Geraldo opened Al Capone’s vault on live TV and there was nothing in it? Let’s hope his dancing goes better than that.
Notice something, Trashies? NO DEREK! Yay! I wonder if he just got tired of winning. Lord knows I was tired of him winning. So, what do you think of this season’s cast? Get to judging!
Dancing with the Stars will premiere on Monday, 21 March 2016. See you then!
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