Huffington Post – Halle-Loo, Bieber’s Goin Back Up North
Looks like that “Sorry” track was a little late, since Justin Bieber has run out of chances. In a press release issued yesterday from the White House, President Obama announced that his last Executive Order in office will be to answer this two-year-old petition, officially deporting the tattooed terror of song. Gurl bai!
TMZ – Hey Tweens! Look Over Here!
The Kardashian’s lil’est klick-bait Kylie Jenner sat down for an interview with Cosmopolitan, during which she talked about staring blankly at walls and what the breeze feels like on her perennially exposed midriff. She also breathed out some words about her totally unremarkable lip gloss line, with shades creatively dubbed terms like “Like,” “Literally,” and “So Cute,” and a brand new nonsensical “music video.” Kylie remembered fondly the porno that lent inspiration to her kompany’s logo:
Celebitchy – Idle Hands Are The Devil’s Plaything
A tape was released early this morning by an anonymous male source of our gatekeeper, just husband and king Jim Bob Duggar apparently stimulating himself outside a Fayetteville bar called A-Men. The father of 19 Blessings From The Lord carries on this way for two minutes and 39 seconds before completing his wicked task with a gutteral croak, then sobbing uncontrollably into a photo of Ted Haggard in khaki shorts. Click above for what I consider a true tour de force.
E! – She’s Just Bein’ Miley!
Miley Cyrus, who just fuckin’ loves bein’ an adult and sayin’ cuss words and knowin’ all about sex and playin’ with dicks and doin’ drugs n’ stuff, shocked audiences last night at a concert in Barcelona, where she allowed a pack of nine stray dogs to defecate on her as she sang her latest single (a slow ballad dedicated to her recently deceased pit bull, Hot Dong). During this spectacle Miley was wearing a tasteful souvenir t-shirt from the World Trade Center gift shop sold at some point between 1994 and 1997.
Just Jared – Party Like It’s 2009: Breaking Lindsay Lohan News!
Scrawl a secret “fuck you” on your fingers then cross them today for Lindsay Lohan, who’s set to appear in court for an incident that occurred two weeks ago in West Hollywood. Lindsay, star of such classics as Herbie: Fully Loaded, Just My Luck, and multiple security cam tapes produced in stores across America, was arrested for assaulting a police officer then “kissing him roughly on the mouth, biting said officer’s lower lip until blood was drawn, and declaring ‘let’s [expletive] like I did with James Deen in The Canyons. You make me feel alive.'” Poor, poor Lindsay. I hope that girl gets the help she needs some day.
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