Hi, Trashiis! Here we go, episode 4! We open with Stephanie presumably feeding the baby. He is tricking Stephanie into looking up. It’s played for laughs, but it’s hard to lower the bar for Stephanie’s intelligence. Kimmy walks in and calls Stephanie her “sister-wife.” Gross. DJ is packing the kids’ lunches (which she snobbily calls “a healthy lunch”) and asks Kimmy if Ramona wants some of her good mom food. Kimmy puts money in a brown paper bag, basically telling DJ where she can put her turkey wrap. They face off. Kimmy gives her a ton of money because she made her change schools.
Tommy wonders what else he can make his dumbass aunt do.
Jackson walks in and makes a truly disgusting “erupting my volcano all night” joke. How did this get past Candace Cameron’s approval? Ramona walks in, begging Kimmy not to make her go to the new school. She says it’s worse than when her mom abandoned her in the ball pit at McDonalds. Ramona finds it weird that she doesn’t have new friends, as she considers herself very likeable. Kimmy is too busy to watch the baby, so she tells Stephanie that since she’s a loser moocher, she should. Totally agree. The screaming middle child (whose name I will never remember), shows up in a full jacket and slacks, screaming about it being Puppy Day. Or maybe Poopy Day. It’s hard to tell when this kid’s talking, and he needs to get him some acting classes yesterday.
An unscripted moment depicting Jodie Sweetin’s actual reaction to that joke.
In school, Ramona is fake texting in the hallway, to show that she has no friends, I guess. She says she needs to get out of school, so Jackson promises to bust her out. This seems like a crazy stupid idea from one of DJ’s kids. I thought she was supposed to be a good mom or something.
There is no fucking way these guys are all Jackson’s friends.
DJ brings her screamer to work, because life revolves around these people, and bringing her kid to work to pick out a puppy is totally legit. Again, isn’t the show supposed to be about how awesome of a mom DJ is? As if the show’s stereotypical portrayals of anyone who isn’t a WonderBread American weren’t already bad enough (need I remind you that this is only episode 4 of this shitshow?), DJ’s secretary-slash-receptionist is a walking Caribbean stereotype. Her accent is so thick, I think the show now owes Jamaica and all of the Caribbean islands a public apology. The screamer pats his face with bologna to make the puppies come for him. When he walks in he screams, “Holy chalupas!” He’s said it at least twice by now, so I guess that’s his catchphrase.
I just want to know the casting call for this character said. “Seeking gross Jamaican stereotype. Shitty accent a plus.”
Stop everything! I want to know the story behind this well-dressed man and his pig.
The other vet at the clinic walks out, and his son walks in to greet him. The son is reasonably attractive, so I guess he’s DJ’s new love interest. He and DJ eye-fuck each other, and he walks out, having established his sole character function. The receptionist tells DJ she has to take her dog to the vet. Okay, but you’re at work, lady. If you needed that time, you should have told her way before now. DJ is offended that she’s not bringing her to her own clinic, and the receptionist says she’s too expensive. DJ offers her a discount, and the receptionist says she would never go to a discount vet. Okay, that is not remotely funny and super bizarre logic. I have no idea what the purpose of this exchange was. If they needed that lady out of the scene so bad, couldn’t she have a wacky accident that required her to go to the emergency room, or something?
Hey Fuller House writers, I’m doing your job for you.
Meanwhile, Stephanie’s taken the baby to a coffee house, and some guy is making faces at him. The baby is not amused. The guy thinks the baby belongs to Stephanie, and tells her all about the boners he gets from single moms. She plays along, saying she carried the baby in her “stomach.” And I thought she couldn’t get any dumber. She places her order, which consists of 2 pastries and a latte for $18.50. Stephanie spreads it out into multiple credit cards, which doesn’t fit the whole narrative of her being a successful DJ. Couldn’t she DJ at parties or something if she’s so broke? DJ calls her over to the clinic to stand in for her receptionist, and since she doesn’t have enough money for her insanely expensive food, she peaces out in shame.
The baby tries desperately to find his happy place.
Back at school, everybody in Jackson and Ramona’s science class has a volcano. I’m not sure what grade they’re supposed to be in, but these kids seem pretty old to be working on a baking soda/vinegar experiment. Jackson’s big plan to bust Ramona out of school is to have her climb out of the window. While some girl is presenting a volcano her mother made (seriously how hard is it to slap some papier mache together and paint it?), Jackson starts dumping random chemicals in a beaker, which I’m sure every science class just keeps at student’s desks while there is a presentation going on. The beaker starts smoking, triggering the sprinklers and everyone’s volcanos. The science teacher yells at Jackson, and Ramona gets caught sneaking out the window.
I’m holding the science teacher responsible for this. Who leaves children with full bottles of random chemicals at each desk?
The screamer is still deciding between identical puppies, so I guess he’s just not going to school today (earlier, DJ asked him to hurry up so she could take him to school). Stephanie shows up with the baby, and immediately asks for money. Kimmy shows up to pick up the baby, but just then she and DJ get calls from the school about their kids getting in trouble. DJ puts Stephanie in charge of the entire vet clinic and her two children. The single mom enthusiast from the coffee shop shows up with Stephanie’s coffee and pastries. He thinks that the screamer is also her kid, and she dumps both kids in the puppy room unsupervised. The puppies provide the only enjoyment to be had in this episode.
I feel sorry for these people who just wanted to take their pets to the vet and instead got treated to a front row seat to the Tanner show.
Someone brings in a skunk thinking it’s a stray cat, which is a serious ding to the state of California’s education system. They just throw the skunk in, and it immediately sprays. DJ comes back and finds everyone bathing in tomato juice, including the puppies. Stephanie doesn’t even have enough money for coffee, so how the hell was she able to get gallons of tomato juice on the fly like that? DJ takes a picture of it to post it on Facebook, once again ensuring that this show will remain horribly dated forever.
Okay, I maintain that Stephanie’s a dumbass, but this lady deserves a full on Darwin Award.
Seriously, though, how did she buy this much tomato juice?
Back at the house, Ramona has made a new friend for being a juvenile delinquent. Both the kids are suspended for 3 days, which seems like a crazy punishment, especially for Ramona, who was caught before she actually left campus. DJ walks in with a list of chores for Jackson as punishment. Ramona’s punishment is to visit her friends and get her nails done. DJ confronts Kimmy about her shittiness as a mom. She tells Kimmy her bad parenting is undermining her good parenting. Way to be pompous, Deej. Kimmy starts crying about not being able to punish her kid, which is totally bullshit. Lots of kids have to move and change schools and make friends, and they survive. DJ says she’ll be happier with a parent who actually parents. Kimmy decides to make Ramona help Jackson with his chores. Ramona gets pissed at DJ, but admits that the whole thing was her idea. Except I’m pretty sure Jackson actually made the suggestion. She and Kimmy hug.
And then you got escorted to the principal’s office by the campus cops! How cool was that?!
The screamer introduces the family to the puppy, which is totally indistinguishable from the others, so who cares. The hot guy from the coffee shop shows up to take Stephanie on a date, and gets shocked by the amount of kids in the house. Stephanie maintains her lie, claiming that Jackson and Ramona are twins, and that Kimmy and DJ are her housekeeper and au pair. Uh, Steph? He already knows you’re broke, so of course that cover isn’t going to fly. He’s dumber than he looks, so he says nothing. The rest of the family circles around the new puppy. Man, this episode was so boring. It was way too kid-focused, and the kids have 0 entertainment value and charisma. Anyway, keep an eye out for the return of Teen Mom 2 Recaps next week! I’m super excited! Catch you later, Trashiis!
IT TOOK ME SIX WHOLE HOURS TO PICK HIM!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!