Greetings my babies! My 30 foot yacht is back in service- there was a servant impaled on the rudder (I forgot I sent Raphael under the boat to check about a blockage and I guess the poor dear just couldn’t hold his breath)- and my new flat screen wrapped in stingray skin has been delivered so needless to say I am in a great mood. Everything is wonderful when you are rich and young. Let’s jump into the newest episode as I scan some resumes for replacement servants.
We start at EJ’s horrendously decorated apartment. His friend Kyle is coming over and EJ has purchased caviar for the occasion. They talk about relationships- EJ wants a man. They struggle to get the caviar jar open as EJ’s new wine fridge gets delivered. EJ asks the delivery guy to help get the caviar open and miraculously, he does. EJ does not tip him and the poor delivery man walks out dejectedly, thinking about his bills and past due car notices.
Like Donald Trump- I want things GOLD!
Dorothy and Morgan are having lunch and apologizing to one another. Morgan recognizes her bridezilla tendencies and Dorothy understands and reiterates her desire to be a friend and help. It is a nice moment. Morgan asks about Quincy and Dorothy says she is done. It wasn’t a real relationship anyway- leave this pseudo-storyline alone!!! Dorothy asks about Asscot and they flash a bunch of self-congratulatory Instagram photos of him as he winds his way around Europe on “business.” Morgan reiterates her fake concern about his commitment to the wedding process. They both agree it was a good talk.
Now to a terrible segment- Jonny’s idiotic DJ career. He says you have to know what you are good at and he is good at three things (in the following order): 1) blowjobs, 2) music and 3) partying. His parents must be proud. A wedding DJ earns more of my respect than this assclown.
Let’s give it up for the happy couple: Chase and Melinda! Terre Haute Indiana’s newest husband and wife!
They play a sample of Jonny’s first single and it is a generic dance track that makes me want to claw off my ears. Jonny invites her to a listening party on Saturday night for the new track. Yeah, pass out earplugs to your guests. Dorothy hints at drama between Morgan and Bianca, setting up a future plot line. Commercials.
Dorothy meets EJ for lunch. Unreal, more meals. Dorothy is on the second day of a cleanse. EJ wants her help in finding a man. Dorothy remarks that out of the whole crew, Morgan is the only one in a relationship. Yes, and with a fellow cast member to boot. Dorothy thinks is is because they are “bomb, and sometimes you have to lower your standards a little bit.” Yes, I am sure it is just them and not you. EJ thinks guys get intimidated by him. OH LORD. Dorothy thinks she is approachable. OHH LORD!
Cut to Morgan who is sketching clothing on the floor. Great use of your time. Asscot comes through the door after several weeks in Europe. His receding hairline is approaching level 5-critical. Morgan clarifies that she needs more support in the wedding process, and Asscot wants her to control her spending and attitude. Asscot says that they do not need a half-million dollar wedding and Morgan basically admits that they are not paying for any of it so why should it matter. Also, she got a new car the other week. This is nonsense.
Morgan tries to say that it is both their faults but Asscot thinks he did nothing wrong. HA!
Both me and my hairline are going to run for the hills if your attitude does not improve, Mrs. Boobs and Loubs.
For some idiotic reason, the cast is in a limo going to some second-rate horse racing track that is not any of the Triple Crown locations. This is going to be another big hat and champagne segment like we have seen on countless other reality shows. This is a Bianca segment- it is her birthday and she wants all of her friends to dress up and place bets. Bring back Taylor Hasslehoff.
Bianca meets a triple crown winning jockey who says that her crown (yes this moron is wearing one) is less nice than his triple crown. HAHA! Bianca takes a forkful of cake straight from the middle of the cake and eats it. She is the worst. Dorothy gets a text from Asscot which sparks the whole UBER traumatic story that Bianca is so happy to tell to anyone who will listen. Asscot told Bianca’s brother that she was a prostitute and now Bianca has not spoken to her brother in two years and blames Asscot. Yeah, definitely his fault. No family drama there at all.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Heavy is the wallet of someone who did not work for her wealth.
OOO it gets better. So Bianca went on a vacation to Japan but since she was unemployed, Asscot thought she was hooking to pay for the trip. HA- it is reasonable but also ridiculous and I dont think for a minute Asscot believed that. But, Bianca says that Asscot also said the same thing to her parents- which, if he was a great family friend he might be able to make that kind of joke. I guess Bianca did not find it funny.
ALSO ALSO ALSO, Lily from Shahs of Sunset is at the party. There might have been some additional drama around a house and Asscot but this was all before Morgan came into the picture. Basically this is stale garbage being trot out for a story line because Bianca is a layabout who thinks she is infinitely more interesting than she actually is. To prove I am right, all of Bianca’s horses lose. To further prove I am right, one horse named “The Bianca” is taken straight to the glue factory after its dismal loss.
Now Asscot and Morgan are filling out a pre-wedding checklist/questionnaire. This should be riveting. They met at a restaurant. Then the question is “what is the most romantic thing that your fiancee has done besides the engagement?” Morgan thinks it was him buying her a Celine bag two months into the relationship. I think Asscot is more of a fianancee, rather than a fiance.
Morgan, in an interview, thinks that since her parents supported her before they got engaged, Asscot will take over that responsibility. Boobs and Loubs blogging not bringing in the big bucks? Get out of town!
Say “CHEESY”
They get to the money questions. Morgan thinks Asscot is a bit more budget conscious than her parents. YEAH because he is not an owner of a massive business like your dad, you fucking sponge. Indeed, Asscot’s greatest fear is that she will irresponsibly spend money. Asscot does not have a college degree to fall back on- just massively wealthy parents. Tough situation.
Now for one of the most ridiculous segments that proves how much of a famewhore this cast really is. Dorothy and EJ are doing a #manhunt. EJ is standing on a street corner- not a whore, just a famewhore- while Dorothy rates guys walking down the sidewalk so EJ can approach them. It goes about as well as a fart in an elevator.
Yes, he is wearing a fur rug
Now Asscot and Morgan are meeting with a financial adviser. She asks how they split the finances and Morgan says that she does not pay a bill. They do not know each other’s credit scores. All Morgan cares about is if the credit card isn’t declined at Nieman Marcus. Morgan says she is writing a book and designing some activewear. Morgan says she has a lot to offer. HA. Yeah right. Asscot says he has a will but Morgan is not in it. Morgan reminds him to update that asap.
For someone who does not pay for a fucking thing, Morgan is blown away by the table mock ups for the wedding for which her parents will be footing the bill. Asscot likes the juxtaposition between the old world venue and the modern young centerpiece design. Whatever, it is just white flowers, gold trimmings and candles. Honestly, relax.
UGH, Jonny’s moronic DJ career plotline resurfaces. He is having his listening party, i.e. another excuse to wear a black blazer over a black t shirt. Jonny spills the beans about Bianca and her brother. Asscot, who is already there with Morgan chatting away, clarifies for DJ Jonny Douchebag that this nonsense happened 4 years ago and that Bianca’s brother is his best man. SO I WAS RIGHT- Bianca is holding some stupid grudge and it really did not have much to do with Asscot. Nevertheless, Asscot is MAD. He tells Jonny to shut the fuck up and looks like he is going to storm away from the table. Yeah, why dont you go to Europe for a couple weeks for more Instagram fun?
Then Asscot makes a mistake. He says he does not want to talk about it. He tells Morgan to shut the fuck up- wrong move boy-o. She puts him right back in check and he obliges (smart). Then there is some idiotic story about how Lily (from SHAHs!) asked Asscot to show her a house and then said that because Bianca was upset with Asscot that she would not buy the house from him so he would not get a commission. This is kind of the same storyline with Roxy from last season and she aint around no mo’. Well, maybe Bianca only wants to be a one season star. Morgan calls Bianca a hooker, for some reason, though to be honest Morgan is the one who is TECHNICALLY having sex for money given that she brings home a grand total of $0.00 in income.
Dorothy arrives, in braids. Jonny is turning a knob in an empty club. OH LOOK WHO IS HERE! BOBBY!!! And SAACHI- the guy who looks like Dolph Lundgren’s baby brother with water on the brain and who loves wearing jean vests. The whole crew of hanger-ons has wormed their way out of the woodwork. Morgan is cruising for a confrontation. Then Bianca arrives. Oh goody.
I love this screengrab- EJ in a leather skirt thing while Morgan gives Bianca the devil eye!
Morgan slides over and basically snaps right into the conversation, asking Bianca if she has a problem with her man. It is ON. Bianca thinks this is not any of Morgan’s business and she wants Asscot to apologize to her “like a man.” But that will not happen (ever) or until next week because the episode ends.
What did you think??? Let me know!!!