Last week, Luann was mad at the women for not supporting her win at relationship leap frog. Bethenny found a doctor who didn’t want to cut into her. Jules was mad that she had to have sex with her husband and Sonja was finally allowed to film with Bethenny.
This week, we get to hear a repeat of Luann calling the women “bitches” in that throaty, electrolarynx voice we all know and love. She takes off as the women compare notes on Tom’s sexual conquests within the group. She wanted to leave anyway. Tom’s coming back from a wild weekend in Bolivia – the Swedish model not the country.
Luann pays Jules and Dorinda a drive-by farewell and they join the group so Jules can deliver her speech on not being “a-stupid”. Perhaps that photo last week caused the spirit of Caroline Manzo to inhabit Jules’ vocabulary. It’s not an improvement. As they go back and forth on the topic of Luann, Jules tells them not to talk about their friend and to just let her be happy. Sure. They could do that. And each season would be three episodes long. All of this makes Jules very unhappy.
“Wax lips on.”
“Wax lips off.”
Meanwhile, Ramona puts on her Apologizer cape and texts Luann an apology but Bethenny tells her it’s too soon and Luann won’t believe it anyway. Bethenny is her arch nemesis; The Stonewaller. Feel free to come up with alternate names below. Dorinda confirms that she told Luann what Ramona said about her and we get thisclose to a drunken rampage. Her arms start flailing, she gets super-nasally and leaving out key consonants but unfortunately, John isn’t there to whisper the attack phrase. Also, it looks like Jules has taught Dorinda a thing or two about pleasing her man.
“Yeah, it goes right in there. Now he won’t need his glasses.”
Carole wants to revisit the legend that is Sonja’s vagina and remarks that she’s gotten around. Sonja says she wasn’t looking for marriage with Tom; she simply needed his warm body next to her so she could harvest his heat and use it to power computer #3. She says when he wasn’t with a woman and she wasn’t with a “young man”, they touched base. When she was with an “old man”, they touched way more than bases.
Carole, who’s being a contrarian and wants to dismiss anything Jules related, says that friends talk about each other when they’re not around. Jules disagrees and Carole repeatedly says “yes they do” and tries to shut her up. Bethenny says she’s happy for her but when they had drinks, Luann didn’t even ask about her lady lumps. Jules says that Bethenny never asked about her vagina although Jules texted her “a hundred times” about hers. I’m waiting for their vaginas to pick up banjos so we can have an official duel and put an end to this gynecological nightmare.
Bethenny pulls out her phone to disprove Jules’ claim that she texted her “a hundred times”. As the phone comes out, Jules suddenly remembers she’s not good with numbers and says it was only three times. Congrats Jules, you’ve shamed both strains of DNA.
Bethenny reads them and they’re casual conversations about the Hamptons and vague well wishes for Jules’ cyclops vagina. Jules is tired of Bethenny making her out to be stupid and accuses her of making fun of others. First, announcing that Bethenny makes fun of others is basically reading her resume. Second, Bethenny’s words aren’t the only reason MENSA will never stick a recruitment flyer in Jules’ hematoma.
Jules also claims that Bethenny has spoken badly about her marriage. Bethenny doesn’t recall doing this and Jules’ eyes keep darting to Dorinda like she’s being held hostage. Dorinda ‘Meddler’ only says that there may have been talk of the marriage not being great and there was some food stuff at what she calls the Mexican dinner. What Dorinda will claim responsibility for is telling Jules to speak her mind. She figured it’d be a short conversation.
Jules tells them not to talk about her disorder and to stop talking about her body. However, she follows that up with a request for them to talk about it to her face with her reasoning being that this info shouldn’t make her vulnerable. This information is a privilege that will allow them to become closer to her.
Every time a narcissist is born, a hellion gets her horns.
Bethenny says that she lived with this her whole life and that’s why she keeps her distance. Jules interrupts and Bethenny tells her not to because she gets to talk too.
“I’ve got the referee shirt! I get to talk!”
She says that it’s a liar lifestyle and she’s not comfortable around it. Jules announces that just three days ago she purged.
Jules: I’m sorry, who?
Jules demands respect for what she’s saying. No, no, no! This is not a show about getting help with serious, real life problems with the exception of long standing housewives who develop or make up an illness for a storyline. And honestly, they’ll hate and judge you even then! This show is about putting on a front, eventually getting exposed and using a precise combination of greed, anger and phoniness to stay the course. Sonja says that Bethenny will say whatever she has to say to your face; this is why Sonja has started walking into rooms backwards. Dorinda says that they’ve been insensitive; Bethenny is reactionary but Carole is just mean. The fact remains that Jules has said twice that she wants to be called out on her disorder. She’s got to pick a lane. Carole says she doesn’t know about eating disorders but she knows about denial; she was the one who spotted Moses floating down the river. Bethenny says she doesn’t understand her at all and she’s officially shut off her Jules-ometer.