BBC – RIP Alexis Arquette
Aw, bummer. 
Alexis Arquette died last night at the age of 47. Alexis (sister to Patricia and David) was an actress and trans rights activist, so this sucks. A cause of death was not disclosed, but she was surrounded by loved ones listening to David Bowie. If you need me, I’ll be lighting some candles and watching this on repeat:
People – Bless Her Heart
Someone unfortunately named Savvy Shields from Fayetteville, Arkansas won the Miss America title last night. So… there’s that.
What? Sorry. We need to wait like 3 weeks or so before some sex scandal or racist tweet emerges. I’ll keep you posted.
E! – The 2017 Kardashian is Rolling Out Soon
Guess what! Noted reality stars and underpants gnomes Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna are having a girl! You can almost see it kicking right here, in a dress that’s an easy, portable alternative to a sonogram. Anyway, Robert Kardashian is having a girl. It’s like the early 80s all over again. I hope that in 30 years this young Kardasha-twiggle inherits the same responsibility that was so righteously thrust upon her ancestors. That with bravery and truth, she too will film herself copulating with a young musician and that a ruthless Blac Chyna will nobly disseminate it to the seeping, desperate proletariat. I want all good things for this promising new Kardashian kween, and I anxiously wait for her to lead my children boldly into the next era of self exposure.
Just kidding! I’m never having kids.
TMZ – Breaking: Chris Brown Still Tempestuous Jizz Tart, Footage at 11
Wow, here’s a shocker! Chris Brown at a charity (charity! isn’t this lovely) basketball game screaming in someone’s face and standing on a chair so he looks like a Big Strong Thug. Keep up the good work, Chris!
You uncontrollable fucking lunatic.
Just Jared – Squeaky Clean AccaCouple Gets AccaMarried AccaThis AccaThat AccaShut the Hell Up
Stars of the mildly obnoxious Pitch Perfect franchise (dodges rocks) Anna Camp and Skylar Astin got married this weekend on the central California coast. Anna’s costars Rebel Wilson, Brittany Snow, and Elizabeth Banks were all in attendance. They spent the night dancing gaily and wondering out loud how so many awesome and funny actors like themselves could be in such a boring and overrated series of movies. (dodges bullets) Then Anna and Skylar posed for multiple pictures that will be washed in sepia and thrown in frames for sale at Bed Bath & Beyond. Because that’s what that couple is. A picture frame couple.
Can I get this in a 5×7? I wanna put a photo of my cat in it.
Sorry, I’m hungover on a Monday. GET OUTTA HERE.
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